the dream date is set (regardless of the surprise act haha XD)

jake duque: oi
jake duque: kamusta naman?
BUZZ!!!
JA: oh at OL n nmn tinataguan mo
jake duque: ahh wala yoq lang magpakita s iba hehe
JA: bkt?
jake duque: yoq ng maraming kausap tinatamad aq ee
JA: ako din ee
JA: haha kidding
jake duque: yah rayt
jake duque: well first day of being a twr member eh ang sakit s likod haha
JA: kahapon?
JA: kmsta nmn?
jake duque: yep
JA: nagrecord record kn?
jake duque: ok lng saya
jake duque: dpa s monday ako magrecord ee haha
jake duque: kc review q p material
JA: ah so kelan kita maririnig?
jake duque: cguro next saturday
jake duque: pero tanong q p
JA: yey haha
jake duque: nyeh
JA: magbigay k nga ng song n pwde pang contempo
jake duque: pero eshh ang sakit s mata ng work q kahapon kaharap q coputer haha
JA: about nature
JA: bumili k ng salamin mo
jake duque: madami aning claseng song?
jake duque: la pq pera ee
JA: oo nga iniisip ko din un e
JA: hiramin mo muna ung akin
JA: pang ballet
jake duque: hmm xure
jake duque: well contempo pangsayaw ba?
JA: oo
JA: contempo ballet
JA: puro joey ayala naiisip ko
JA: parang common nmn n kasi
jake duque: hmm waw thats hard
JA: oo nga e
jake duque: only hope nlng haha
JA: nature ee
jake duque: nyek anu kea un
JA: haha puro tlg joey ayala
JA: e tinulugan ko lng un nung sining
JA: esh
jake duque: haha umalis yata q nung time n u
jake duque: wala akong inatenan n session ee haha
JA: gabi un nung bday ko
jake duque: wala tlaga 2log ako nun
JA: galing ng PHSA
JA: nakakaiyak sa sobrang galing haha lol
jake duque: oww
jake duque: keii
JA: haha
jake duque: ang init ngai nakakaasaar
JA: oo nga
jake duque: prang ewan ang humidity
jake duque: jalala
JA: ayoko n magaral
jake duque: apai manen?
JA: ngaun n nga lang magbakaxon rami pang gagawin haha
JA: well joke lng
jake duque: haha tlga lng huh argg
jake duque: thou shall not be lazy pero im super lazy padin
JA: ok lng yan bsta hndi palagi
jake duque: oo nga buti nga ee
JA: o db'
jake duque: hehe masama padin un
JA: haha oo nga
jake duque: ok lng un oi kunin mu ung pera q ahh
JA: kelan b
jake duque: txt mu c mum
JA: la akong lowd
jake duque: edi paload ka
jake duque:
JA: wala akong pera haha
jake duque: 10php lng eshh
JA: oh d ikaw n lng haha
jake duque: panung ako ee wala akong fone tska sau papadala un ee
JA: sauce
JA: geh bukas
jake duque: ok hirap ahh
JA: ng?
jake duque: hirap pasunurin
JA: sauce
jake duque: oh?
JA: oo n oo n
jake duque: prang ayaw mu ahh
JA: d nu
jake duque: wehh
JA: oi hanapan mo n ko ah
jake duque: hanapan ng?
JA: nung kanta
jake duque: ahh pang ballet tlga tapos nature? ok ok
JA: opo
jake duque: waw eww
JA:
jake duque: haha d aq ganun katanda
JA: hahah
JA: kasi sabi nung friends nung naguusap kami
jake duque: same age lng tau
jake duque: anu?
JA: ah pano b ung pgkakasabi..
JA: bsta
JA: kasi sabi ko d ko alam manlambing something
jake duque: go lng
JA: tapos sabi gummit lng ng po at opo ok n un
JA: hahah
jake duque: yes boss haha
JA: haha
JA: gayahin nga kita
jake duque: go lng hee
JA: cge
jake duque: under ako sau kea boss kita ahhaha
JA: kht au
jake duque: ohh?
JA: nu pinakamalaoit n beach dito?
jake duque: huh?
JA: pinakamalapit
jake duque: ahh ok uhmm wala b s pangasinan?
JA: malayo un e
JA: ung tipong 1hr lng n pwde kong puntahan haha
jake duque: ahh wala
jake duque: bat anung meron?
JA: as in wala?
JA: gusto ko lng tlga makakita
jake duque: wala.pra san ba?
JA: gusto ko nga makakita
jake duque: never ka pa b nakakita g beach?
JA: in almost 2years
JA: ata or 1
JA: pag nagbyabyahe un lng
jake duque: ahh ok
JA: gusto ko matouch ung shore
jake duque: waw senti
JA: seryoso haha
jake duque: nahh
jake duque: cnu kasama mu?
JA: ikaw haha
jake duque: nyek walang beach d2 puro bundok d2 ee
JA: magtataong ako
JA: malaymo
jake duque: cge go lng
JA: titingnan lng nmn e d nmn magswim
jake duque: onga naman
jake duque: try mu tapos punta tau haha
JA: sa agoo daw
jake duque: why did i feel n meron dun haha
jake duque: well wala pa 100 faredun hehe
JA: oo 69 daw
jake duque: haha naks
JA: sakto one hr ang byahwe
JA: jake punta tauu
jake duque: kelan tau punta?
JA: after ng exam ko, mo
jake duque: haha lets try if we have money o k
JA: wag n try, ipon tau
jake duque: cge hon
JA: yey
jake duque: haha get away natin un
JA: magkano kaya?
JA: geh d n ko sasama sa carne
JA: un n lng haha
jake duque: ahh idunno hehe
JA: hmmm
JA: 69
JA: 150 fair
JA: 300
JA: plus fud
jake duque: 700php
JA: uhh
JA: wow! taung dalawa lng un
JA: w8
JA: sabay n lng tau sa blockm8s
JA: para free fud n hahaha
JA: pupunta din sila e
jake duque: ayaw mu maging alone
JA: hiwalay n lng tau after
JA: nagyayaya n din sila e oh
JA: sakto kasi fiesta daw sakanila dun
jake duque: anu un iiwanan muq?
jake duque: eww wag nlng
JA: hindi nu
jake duque: anu pala?
JA: bsta bsta ipon kn 250
JA: sakto n un haha
JA: at wala k p b id?
jake duque: wala ee
jake duque: mga kelan kea un/
jake duque: ?
jake duque: dapat monday un
JA: kelan b exam mo?
JA: kami 17-20
jake duque: ahh edi mga 29 nlng un ang last monday dv
JA: d b pwdeng 22?
jake duque: may clase pq nun
JA: ay cge cge
JA: edi d n tlga tau sasabay sa block
jake duque: 26 ang tapos ng clase q ee
JA: cge 29
jake duque: okay
JA: dalin kon cam ko nun haha
jake duque: haha tlga lng huh
JA: oo, sana mahanap ko n charger nun haha
jake duque: san kea un banda s agoo kc nakapunta nq dun ee
JA: o ako din feeling ko
jake duque: anung feeling mu?
JA: na nakarating n ko du haha
JA: dun dumadaan paputa samin e
jake duque: hehe ako as in nakatungtong nq dun ee wee
JA: oh edi alam mo n
jake duque: pero dq lam kung san ang beach dun oh
JA: pupunta nmn kami ata aftr exam dun
jake duque: anung meron?
JA: fiesta nga nila charm, nagiinvite xa
jake duque: aj ok
jake duque: ingat
JA: kung may pera ako pupunta ako haha
JA: hirap magipon rami inabayaran
jake duque: tlga lng ah hheehe
jake duque: sana sumweldo aq s TWR hehe
JA: haha blis nmn
jake duque: well sana tlga hehe
JA: bsta ipon n tau ha
JA: sana lng makaipon ako haha
jake duque: yes boss hehe
jake duque: paalis nq hin la nq pera ee haha
jake duque: pero kunin mu ung pera ko ahh
JA: haha nagtataka nga ko bat k nagol e
JA: opo
JA: haha
jake duque: hinihntay q lng matapos time q ehehe
jake duque: loveyou
jake duque: ok right spelling na haha
JA: haha lol
jake duque: nyeh
JA: hehe
JA: ui napapansin mo b humahaba buhok ko d? haha
jake duque: uhmm ok lng
jake duque: ako tagal humaba ee haha
JA: papagupitan ko ng onti haha
JA: ok n buhok mong ganyan
jake duque: wag na ok n yan
JA: bsta ayusin mo
jake duque: esh
jake duque: wag ka n magpagupit argh
JA: ay
JA: cge d n pla
jake duque: oo tama yan pangkain nlng natin ung pang haircut mu hehe
JA: haha lol
jake duque: pra kewl dv
jake duque: haii i miss you
JA: hehe
jake duque: sayang d ka makakapunta s mini concert eshh
JA: gustuhin ko man d nmn ako papayagan
jake duque: ok lng yan kesa pagalitan ka hehe
JA: yes
jake duque: be a good ate haaha
JA: oo nmn nu
JA: ambait ko nga
jake duque: good
jake duque: tlga lng huh
JA: kaya madali sila utusan
JA: haha
jake duque: haha 3mins nlng
JA: sa thrsday ha
jake duque: ahh yes after ng class q teka s cosmo n tau magkit a kc dadaan ako ng TWR nun ee
JA: e may praktis kmi nun e
jake duque: so panu un?
JA: sunduin mo n lng ako hehe
JA: tapos diresto n tau dun
jake duque: saan nanaman?
JA: para walang angal mga kasama ko
jake duque: san ang praktis nyo
jake duque: cge lng
JA: baka dun din sa sunshine
JA: or ewan e
JA: txt mo ko
jake duque: mahirap un
jake duque: eshh
jake duque: wala bang specific place nlng
JA: d ko nmn kasi controlled sila
jake duque: cge ttxt ako huh mag reply ka huh
jake duque: hehe
JA: yes sir
jake duque: ok boss
jake duque:
JA:
jake duque:
JA: ingat ka jake
jake duque: ingat ka din nu
jake duque: dont worii about me
jake duque: ok
jake duque: bbye
JA: bbye
JA: love you
jake duque: loveyou 2
Last message received on 2/27 at 2:27 PM

bring it on... back

Dancing, to me, is a sport, the only one that I’m good at, the only one that I know.

Tomorrow will be the first special Saturday for me not to wake up 2-3 am, to dress up fast to catch up with my 4 am call-time. I will no longer spend the early hours of tonight to prepare my costume for tomorrow’s event; instead, I will be preparing clothes, not for costume, but for laundry day.

Thousands of people are here to celebrate and to watch, what I was before competitive as I anticipate dancing. I was walking with JE on my way home earlier and I envy, as much as I disgust way before, the people and all the preparations for tomorrow. I envy them like crazy. And then I realized, I still want to be a performer.

I was a performer. I once dreamt of doing this my whole life because I know I’m actually good at it. But something made me think that performing isn’t me; rejection. I got this over my head already, I have totally moved on but is this normal to feel?

I remember spending my money on costumes, counting “5, 6, 7, 8…”, exposing my body in a frying pan while I glance and run, screaming for props, costumes, instructions, counts, steps, making face at my mentors back while she seriously give funny and cliché lines to us, dance, perform, dance.

But all these are gone. I am now accounting not the performance’s financial positions but learning it instead. My name is now written in a tarpaulin not for achieving artistic excellence but for academic excellence. I am now holding handbooks and big books, not scripts and wavers.

And now I conclude, I want to bring back the performer in me.

12:36 am

“your emotions are like that of the robbers”
“what?”
“the criminals, the most wanted criminals, they kept on hiding their selves. But do you think they’re really happy? Or at least contented with their situation? They’re not, because there’s one thing they don’t have that keeps happiness for real, its freedom”
“what is this to do with what I feel?”
“you feel sad, you kept on hiding it, you think it’s easy to be one self-criminal?”

HAPPINESS
Everything seemed normal and typical.
People don’t hate me.
My name was printed over that overcrowded tarpaulin.
I am kept in track of love.

SADNESS
Regrets for some shallow request.
Doubts for someone I trust.
Boredom about typicals.
His constant absence.


I wish your name would just appear online even when you don’t talk to me. I wish you’d still read my hopeless e-mails. Don’t forget, that’s what you said. And I feel stupid.

You people just don’t get the idea that I don’t want to be the best. Being called a “dean’s lister” would bring so much contentment but why the bitterness? I still got one spot. And I’m not reserving it. Because I just don’t want to excel.

I hope you mean what you say. I hope it’s true you love me more like what we are. I was never the best you’d ever imagine but I’m true to you. I believe I never did something wrong and it’s your part to understand since you’ve given me one title in your life.

I’m looking for excitement and I thank GOD, my friends and the others who kept on insisting enjoyment in my existence. But still, I am bored.

I love you. To any extent my words would reach, I love you. And I miss you. I was stupid to think that it’s gonna be easier for me to adjust not to see you. But it was fire between pride and love. And fear overpowered me and now I can’t be my self-criminal. Prayer is the only one keeping myself up to what we have. I am waiting…

Keeping up, really keeping up! i am VERY STRONG!

IFIMWRONGPRIDEWILLBETHEBASIS.BUTILOVEJAKE

01-03-10 "Finally" is unexpected, but worth it :)

First night

Opening the door of 7-11, I saw this familiar guy who walked through the pedestrian. He was wearing one of those Edward Cullen coats I've seen in the movie. As he walks towards the walk way, the light opened his face to me and I was unbelievable not to respond with what I saw. He’s taller with his pale white skin like that of the Koreans. His eyes grew incredibly beautiful and with the smile that made them shape like the moon not to mention the dimples showing off in both sides.

He’s expression was blissful like a father who finally saw his lost daughter. I was just standing in front of the door. Very still I am that I didn’t even notice my mouth almost open. I just stared as he waited for me to respond.

Then I heard his enthralling laugh I've been longing to hear for months.

“Same old Jully”, he said.

By his voice that have uplifted my mind-set, I felt happiness that finally, God gave me one of my wishes in my list. Leophold

We went back to the secret hiding place, which now had been invaded by street vendors. He had his guitar with him serenading me like we were before –my favorite part of falling for a musician.

The hot topic was Pen Uni and my Jake. I’d ask more of Uni but he tries to run away from them but in opposite, I love it when we talk about my Jake. It amazed me how mysterious he was to me. His words for Pen, it was the same when it was me. I can see he really likes this girl. But I can still see how he envies Jake with my words. I know how he calculates my feelings and he knows I’m beyond what I'm saying.

“as Jully, not as a friend or a girlfriend, you’re pretty amusing to handle”

“translate shakespeare?”

“mahirap kang i-let go dahil masarap kang alagaan”. He would always try to catch up with my tagalong but he still sucks in his own language.

“ano ako pet?!”

Final Sight

He still loves me because he knows I still need him.

-this I concluded with evidence through everyone else’s opinions.

His plans were sudden and I never expected the change of schedules.

In the taxi on my way home after the service, I heard this…

I cant back down; I’ve been loosing so much time… coz it’s you and me, and all of the people with nothing to do nothing to prove. And it’s you and me and all of the people and I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you

I remembered the prom on top of the hill attended only by two people. I ordered the taxi to immediately go back to Ralph’s place. But they weren’t there. I did not loose hope. We went to Mel’s and their car was just leaving. I thought they’ll be out 5pm?

Being the last to enter the car, I shouted Melanie’s name. There was Ate Nik with Kuya Kyle. They were very shocked as Mel hugged me tight as she can. I felt her tears on my shirt. Kuya Kyle grumbled with his derisive smile as I hugged him. Ate nik sitting by the front sit tried to ignore me but she wanted to save the best for last as she blocked the car. All the aloofness she had for me for the past few days turned out to be the normal ballet adviser I had before as she kissed and hugged me and allowed me to see her brother for the last time.

I waited, everyone stopped breathing, I think as they also anticipated. His silhouette was hesitating and trying to get courage as it appears from outside of the car. Then there he comes, the very most immortality he had with his charm intensified my beat. He gave me a grimace as I stood waiting for my blood flow through my veins and voluntarily get myself attached to him for the last time. For seconds, we stared at each other. I was memorizing him as he gazes only at my face. For the first time, I wasn’t intimidated with this act.

I smiled; I already felt the awkwardness of the scene. He smiled back. I was never amazed by it. It wasn’t the best he showed me but the fact that it was the last gave me the happiest remark. His dimples, his lips as it touches his eyes, his eyes, as perfect as a straight moon. Slowly he came closer as the beat of my heart went more rapidly.

I clinched in his arms so fervently. He was my father, my brother, my best friend and my past lover. I waited for him to talk but it seemed like he was focusing on what he feels. I can hear his heart beat. He was so warm and I was still calmed.

I closed my eyes, my mind was scanning the whole scene for me to remember and then one image came in. Jake.

I must had loosen up a bit for him to notice

“Don’t, yet. I’ll never have one like this for the next 10 years or forever”, he muttered but clear enough for me to understand.

“You’ll have more from Penelope”, the image I had gave me a bit of guilt. If Jake would see this, or if I would blog this and when he reads it without his name being mention in this scene, he might think of it as cheating, not to mention I haven’t talked to him about this.

“You are not Pen, you’re my only Jully”

I almost got irritated with the italized word but I realized one reason why he didn’t like to let go yet though my arms were completely on my side already. He was crying. He knows I would laugh to see him like that. I’ve never seen him cry, ever. I guess the last time would now be the first time.

“G-O-O-D space B-Y-E”, I wanted to see his smile again, that’s what I’ve been anticipating since I decided to see him.

Ate nik signaled that they have to go as they hugged me for the last time. They were already in the car except for Ralph.

More of my sweet talk as he responds then ate nik disrupted.

He came closer. It was a perfect pose for a kiss but I showed him my punch pose and then he laugh as an angel again. He kissed my forehead. That’s when I felt like a daughter letting go of his father.

That’s it. The last time I saw Ralph Jacob Aquino.

This time, until I get use to be alone and independent, I have to learn to be more dependent on Jake’s love, which I should’ve fixed before I committed myself to him. I have to admit, I sometimes think of RJ when I feel like I need care that should’ve been Jake’s role to me and mine to him.

Mel was right, the only way to let go is to be independent to him.

I love Ralph, and he will always be the best brother I’ll ever have.

A loving, self-sacrificing, unselfish friend he was and will always be.

I don’t regret much on this decision. I am never happier as he can be when I finally learn to be independent, and for him to finally learn to let go.

God’s purpose was clear. We both learned one of the greatest lessons we’ll always have for the rest of our lives.

For the last time, I love you Ralph J

~yet <3

01-01-10 how i wish... boredom it is

Out of my depth, I wish I’d never wake up from a sleep. Things won’t slow down the way I want it to be so maybe just a stop. For a day of celebration that was suppose to applaud my real inside, gave me such monotonous attempt to be whatever I had to be for the rest of my existence.

There was nothing amusing about anything right now, but I still managed to be seamless sanguine to uplift anyone’s pose. I wish I’d make something out of nothing I have right now.

I wish I’d fall in love again.

I wish I was high school again.

I wish I’d see the same day I met Jake.

I wish I knew how to make a perfect tumbling again.

I wish I’d die with just God’s will for it to be evident.

I wish my head was above the clouds and then I’d fall.

I’d fall… and I know, tomorrow or the next day won’t be the same for the one who would always catch me from my reckless dreams would leave me. I wish, things would just slow down for us a bit.

I want Jake, I want him now. But what else can I do. as slow as I want time would be, I wish it would just fast forward till I see him… next week. Next week, and things would really change.

Why do I always have to see Jake the time Ralph leaves? I guess God’s perfect plans would make the uncertainty of the reason.

Ralph leaves, why am I terrified by imagining it? It was, after all my decision. But I wont get everything I want. Jake’s incessant absence would still linger and make me one crazy writer of my grief of missing him every now and then. Yes, I won’t have everything I want.

I feel more impatient by the time and more idiotic with my mindsets of slowing down and fast forwards of events.

I wish I could just sleep. Sleep all day till Ralph’s gone, till I see Jake, till I die…