2011

Too much drama, I can’t even blog it myself.

I’m serious about the whole New Year’s resolution thing. And I’m starting it now. I’ll still have this blog activated. This is after all my diary.

Last active post. HAIT!

Curiosity suicide

At times I feel like I’m restricted to many things. The other night I tried drinking and that was pure curiosity but it seemed like I knew there was something else. I need someone, apparently it’s not him anymore.

- RJ

Wag ka nang umiyak sa mundong pabago-bago
Pag-ibig ko ay totoo
Ako ang bangka
Kung magalit man ang alon at panahon
Sabay tayong aahon


Kung wala ka ng maintindihan
Kung wala ka ng makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan

Wag ka nang umiyak mahaba man ang araw
Uuwi ka sa yakap ko
Wag mo nang damdamin
Kung wala ako sa iyong tabi
Iiwan ko ang puso ko sayo
At kung pakiramdaman mo'y
Wala ka ng kakampi
Isipin mo ako dahil
Puso't isip ko'y nasa iyong tabi

Kung wala ka nang maintindihan
Kung wala ka nang makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan
Hindi kita paba-bayaan (di kita paba-bayaan)
Kapit ka... kumapit ka...

Wag ka nang umiyak sa mundong pabago-bago

Pag-ibig ko ay totoo
Ako ang bangka
Kung magalit man ang alon at panahon
Sabay tayong aahon


Kung wala ka ng maintindihan
Kung wala ka ng makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan

Wag ka nang umiyak mahaba man ang araw
Uuwi ka sa yakap ko
Wag mo nang damdamin
Kung wala ako sa iyong tabi
Iiwan ko ang puso ko sayo
At kung pakiramdaman mo'y
Wala ka ng kakampi
Isipin mo ako dahil
Puso't isip ko'y nasa iyong tabi

Kung wala ka nang maintindihan
Kung wala ka nang makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan
Hindi kita paba-bayaan (di kita paba-bayaan)
Kapit ka... kumapit ka...

I can never be against God's will

I'm on process of accepting it.

The Bar

I had this gathering with my high school friends today which caused me to miss the Christmas party at my church. Ugh. Well all’s fine because I enjoyed it.

And it’s like my first time also to drink, well not like shots and stuffs. We did “Lasing Bobo” and I participated well because I lost like 4 times so I had the Bar 4 times as well :)). Yeah that was my first time. The thing is, am I getting prettier or guys just make me feel like it? I had this high school love affair. Well we’ve never been a real couple but there was something. He was quite surprised and concerned about me drinking because he knows I don’t, I never did. That gave me a bit of the red cheek. I felt like I like him again or something.

When we left, I was separated with the girls because they weren’t that conscious with the time so I had the guys with me and I tell you, it is that faaaaaaaar. I mean, like walking from bakakeng to main campus and no exaggeration! So I was with them and we hitched except that I was in a fancier car. I was with him and the guys and he intentionally helped me out with the gifts and sat beside me on our way to town. (yes, the hitching didn’t reach the town so it’s that far). We were having a good time. They, him in particular, asked me a couple of questions, including me and my Jake. I didn’t like the fact that because I was with Mel and I’m letting him show off something familiar from the past, that I was cheating over my Jake. No. that’ll be bad and I don’t lke it either. I stayed silent and smiled like we were fine. I saw the look in his eyes and I saw a little hope and he then asked me “Maguunli ka ba mamaya?”. I ignored that though. They asked me about debut, I know he was expecting me to make him a part of my 18 dances but they laughed when I told them I wanted a Mcdo Debut.

I changed the topic and asked him about his church life, he said it’s not like it was before. And then he went back to the Jake question. I told him, “Ewan ko, ok ata kami except that lilipat na siya ng school sa Pampanga”. Cam in joshua with “Panu ba yan, iiwan ka na niya”. That stopped me and they then started teasing me with “Uyyyy bitter! Masisingle-an na naman si Jully”. That’s when I stopped talking.

By this time, he’s texting me and I’m ignoring him. I don’t want Mel to expect that because my boyfriend’s leaving me, doesn’t mean there’s gonna be us.

That bothers me though. I can’t stop God’s will. Jake will indeed leave me hanging here alone. Traum…

Timothy

There’s this dude, he was my classmate before and he’s I think making the moves. I do remember having a crush on him before I was officially in love with my Jake. And now that we’re about to get off, this dude then comes in. the thing is, I can’t be like as serious as I have been for Jake, I mean, I don’t even think I’d fall in love with someone else as I did for Jake. And lastly, I don’t see relationship as something my heart seeks for right now. But the thing is, this dude’s really hawt, apparently, I’m not that interested anymore sooo… SCRATCH :p

yeah, like I choose to be happy :)

Still...

I'm not in conclusion yet, but for now, i know i am still profoundly and irreversibly in love with my Jake.

Christmas Shopping :)

Presents. Presents. Presents. I feel like Santa today. My favorite day of the year is coming!!! I am really excited but my Christmas spirit is being spoiled a bit by my coming exams. But I won’t worry much. I know I won’t have the best results for this prelim so I guess I really have to start over next year.

Giving gifts is like my theme this year since I really love 2010. But the thing is I spent like a lot, I mean A LOT for Christmas shopping. I already did last week but it seemed not enough so we continued Christmas shopping earlier today. Here’s some of the list

• · For my mom, I spent 200+ for the blouses
• · My father, 200+ also for the polo (really huge, hope it fits him)
• · For April, 200 for the sandals
• · For Armel, 150 (exact) for the bag
• · For Alvin, 100 (the cheapest yet) for the CP case
• · For my SSG mom, 350 for the belt (she’d love that)
• · For my exchange gift thing, 200 for the jacket
• · And for my Jake, 550 for the bag (I’m still thinking about that shirt I’ll be painting so probably 800 for him, hope he’d put effort on his gift for me)
• 
  

So all in all, I spent more than 2k. I feel broke but I think those people would love such gifts. I’m not really expecting much from them (except for my mom and cousins), especially Jake. I mean, I don’t know. I just feel like spending a lot for him. Besides, I’m not sure if he’d like the bag, but I do, but it’s a guy thing.

Most of my gifts are from UK (you know) haha, I wanted all things to be branded and I thought I’d be having someone in the same gift if I was to buy in the mall. But just now I realized, I would have spent less if I have chosen the mall =))

Merry Christmas y’all.

Conversation e :)

JA (12/16/2010 2:59:07 PM): jkae

jake duque (12/16/2010 2:59:13 PM): hey wats up??

JA (12/16/2010 2:59:28 PM): i heard uuwi daw si dana

jake duque (12/16/2010 2:59:38 PM): yah januar daw

jake duque (12/16/2010 2:59:41 PM): january**

JA (12/16/2010 2:59:49 PM): bihin mu daan xa dito ha

JA (12/16/2010 2:59:56 PM): i wanna see him, sana with ate

jake duque (12/16/2010 2:59:56 PM): ahh yah xur

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:04 PM): ahhh rayt

JA (12/16/2010 3:00:28 PM): wat tym ka uuwi?

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:43 PM): after ng party cguro 9pm

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:46 PM): u can see me rught?|

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:52 PM): i mean for like the last time

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:53 PM): haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:00:55 PM): gusto mo hatid kita?

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:01:03 PM): ksama ko cla kuya im fine hehe

JA (12/16/2010 3:01:06 PM): pero maxado ata late un

JA (12/16/2010 3:01:13 PM): ok lang

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:01:26 PM): ahh join the party nlng

JA (12/16/2010 3:01:40 PM): christmas party din namin bukas sa roa e

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:01:55 PM): ahh okeii so ill just text u tomorow ne

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:02:01 PM): pabaunan mo narin ako ahaha

JA (12/16/2010 3:02:19 PM): hehe, broke ako dahil sa chrismas shopping

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:02:30 PM): ahh u have gift for me na\|

JA (12/16/2010 3:02:41 PM): oo

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:02:46 PM): ahh yey

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:02:56 PM): wat?ahh nevermind surprise nlng haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:03:06 PM): uhm oo, magagamit mu un

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:03:18 PM): liek what?

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:03:19 PM): haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:03:31 PM): youll know

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:03:44 PM): ahh yah like february ahaha

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:03:53 PM): ill sing your universe for u haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:04:17 PM): bkt un?

JA (12/16/2010 3:04:29 PM): tnx jake

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:05:11 PM): just i think its good for you

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:05:17 PM): the message of the song

JA (12/16/2010 3:05:34 PM): salamat

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:05:44 PM): walang anuman hehe

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:07:35 PM): hey ill c u tomorow ha

JA (12/16/2010 3:07:47 PM): behave jake huh hehe

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:08:02 PM): haha u know i will

JA (12/16/2010 3:08:12 PM): i trust you then

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:08:23 PM): tnx jully!

JA (12/16/2010 3:08:43 PM): wow u spelled them all

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:09:01 PM): yah atleast i spelled itright diba haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:09:11 PM): a ya

JA (12/16/2010 3:09:41 PM): jake what tym tomorrow?

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:10:07 PM): ill be in baguio before 6 pa ill text u kay ate tin ha just keep in touch ne haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:10:37 PM): may exam ako nun e. mga 6.30 pa nga ako makapnta ng church

JA (12/16/2010 3:10:45 PM): d ko alam what tym matapos party namin

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:10:51 PM): yah its ok lng naman hehe

JA (12/16/2010 3:10:53 PM): plus ihatid ko pa mga anak ko sa dorm nila

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:11:07 PM): waw then jsut keep in touch ne

JA (12/16/2010 3:11:23 PM): cge jake

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:11:43 PM): yah thats beter

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:15:12 PM): ill go na ja

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:15:18 PM): c u tomorow yeah tnx

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:15:21 PM): bbye

JA (12/16/2010 3:15:53 PM): cger jake bye

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:16:01 PM): ok bye

JA (12/16/2010 3:16:09 PM): love you

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:16:15 PM): hugs and kisses from me i loveyou too

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:16:19 PM): bye

Never Lose the CHRISTmas spirit

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

I am actually weirded out more than others do. I came in Litt earlier than the teacher (I tell you, that’s way beyond my usual thing haha!). My smile reflected on everyone’s mind and they we’re like “JA abot hangang 10^th floor ngiti natin ah”. Others were even joking me “Ano ulit sa Philo yung smiling involuntarily?!” Haha I didn’t care much but I am happy for such lovely Christmas songs :D

So I had this headache for sleeping when I got home early this afternoon. Men, it hurts. And then I heard fireworks and children’s voices. I suddenly felt this morning’s Christmas spirit again.

I am happy. And I chose to be one. I envy most of them though. Today’s their last day in school. My mom’s enjoying Christmas parties here and there. And I’m stuck with my exam. Ugh. But nevertheless, I still choose to be happy. I mean, it’s Christmas! :D

Reminiscing, I saw myself with Jazell one night when we were around 7 or 8? we were too excited in caroling that we did it just the two of us. At the end of that night, we had a fight over the distribution of the money we collected. Haha! I always thought was more of an accountant than he was haha. Well memories. I asked my Armel and April if they would like to experience caroling, I decided to let them along with Jazell’s siblings too. That would be fun. Hope they’d get to agree with me with that one.

No Jake drama today, though he’s leaving tomorrow. i just have to stop thinking about him, which I think is uhm, impossible. But who says that? Men, I miss him. I hate it when I have to face that fact that he’s soon gonna see someone else. I was even imagining myself getting dumped by him over some other girl. But I don’t know. I don’t want to miss this Christmas spirit.

I feel like a little girl, and I love the way I anticipate on Christmas. Despite all my drama, I can always choose happiness over some thoughts.

I do love Christmas

10-min goodbye

The Lord never gives me something I can’t handle.

It may be cliché but I felt that today. The Lord is shaping me and until now, I’m still in such a starter level. I still find it hard for me to lead me heart, but I’m really trying and holding on to that.

Last night was a tough night with me and my mom. We had this fight and I do admit that it was my entire fault. I kept on crying for the cutting words they uttered. I couldn’t help but to get livid at my parents, but then, my friend, Charmain texted me. She, I think, is in the same situation. She was asking me if she can stay with us this Christmas because she hated her parents that bad. I felt like the Lord talked to me or something. He reminded me of His love. I continued crying not because of their continuous words, but I just had to pour it all out to Jesus. In my playlist was “By Your Side”. That’s when I can’t stop crying.

This morning was like a continuation of last night’s clash. I kept myself strong for I knew I was going to face another drama.

Jake

He’s been in my mind for the past few days. Today was the last day I saw him for this year. This year actually had been one of the best years of my life and I’d say he was one of the reasons. Sad that it didn’t end quite the way it did last year.

It was far from drama. We met in like, less than 10 minutes? I knew I should have asked him if he had classes later after we met but I was scared of being rejected again. I just let it all pass. I would regret but I thought, there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’m still sticking on my plan of separating myself from him for a while, maybe until my birthday. But I don’t know. This doesn’t make sense anymore.

Anyway, I’m good with my family now. It’s just him that bothers me. What would happen next to us?

crush

It's really true when you're crushing on someone, you feel like he's staring back at you :))

Genesis :)

Last thing I heard, “It’s not about me”. I know it will never be about me. I am becoming selfless every time I grow in Him. I consider that as the best thing that could ever happen to me. I love the fact that I am indeed in a process of having this intimate relationship with Him. I love the actuality that His love is changing me.

But one thing I’ve learned, as I become a new person, I must never go back to my old self and wish I was that person again. I do. I love who I am now. And being in the state of devoutness, the Lord keeps me strong.

I am keeping myself from most of the social means in forty days. In the Bible, people like Moses, David, Elijah and even Jesus was given forty days. I believe I also have to make use of those forty days of my life in more for my self-discovery, moreover, my search of myself as God’s daughter. I don’t mull over this as identity crisis, but it is so much more than that. I don’t want to change; rather, I want to be changed.

Keeping me away from my Jake can be really hard. It doesn’t affect me much really but the holiday couple spirit thing usually hits me up and gives me the conscience saying, “He would love it more if you were there to remind him that you still love him that much despite this new Faith thing”.

I pray that he will understand. I kept myself waiting, I thought. I miss him though but I know I would keep myself from loving Jesus more than I do for him if I would just leave him for a while. I still pray he’d wait. I know my heart and now I’m leading it. Even more, I pray that he too would see us as an opportunity and a blessing given by the Father for us to grow more spiritually. I do believe that the moment I texted him, the moment we saw each other the day he transferred from his place to mine, it was all planned by the Lord. Of course as an opportunity, the purpose though is not for me to state but I believe and trust in God’s will.

This blog will reflect some of my insights in this journey. The secular world is still very demanding but I can never give up my time with the Lord. I cannot commit myself to this blog though. But this entry is a start. Well, for all the readers (if there were) hope you guys could also reflect with my thoughts, objection is accepted, I consider that as correction

heavy

Ralph Is Leaphold: Jully, please

Ralph Is Leaphold: Jully

Ralph Is Leaphold: You know Mel, she gets what she wants without me interrupting so please talk to me.

Ralph Is Leaphold: Okay then, I guess everyone's gonna see you with the Pink one

JA: WAT ARE U DOING RALPH?! I THOUGHT YOU MEANT UR WORD???? I CAN SEE YOU CAN'T

Ralph Is Leaphold: Not everyone can promise things they can't do for real

JA: still cant talk to u

Ralph Is Leaphold: but you are

JA: i'm telling u i cant

JA: bbye

Ralph Is Leaphold: i read your messages

Ralph Is Leaphold: i know you need me now

JA: i dont

JA: im perfect

JA: and mind u, those mails were ANCIENT

Ralph Is Leaphold: Last week was "ancient"?

JA: waebr

Ralph Is Leaphold: it's just about the Boyfriend?

JA: wat do u want ralph?!

JA: i thought we finised this already?!

Ralph Is Leaphold: obviously incorrect

JA: the emails

JA: rj

JA: i needed to talk to sumone

JA: i thought u wont be using this account anymore so i didnt care

JA: i had to let everything out of me

JA: but u got it all wrong rj

JA: i need you

JA: yes before

JA: but not anymore rj

JA: i'm perfect with jake

JA: we have lots of flaws but i love him

JA: and i believe he loves me too rj

Ralph Is Leaphold: I see

JA: I have nothing else to say ralp

Ralph Is Leaphold: I miss you

JA: i dont care

Ralph Is Leaphold: So you don't want to see us anymore?

JA: not aftr i graduate

JA: or marry jake

Ralph Is Leaphold: too naive

JA: wat do u mean?

Ralph Is Leaphold: you can't just say those things jully

JA: y not

JA: u didnt want to hear them dontu?

JA: hows pen

Ralph Is Leaphold: we're off

JA: haha! kaya pala!

Ralph Is Leaphold: it's been months already jully

JA: ohw since when

Ralph Is Leaphold: lasted less than 3 months

JA: alwys thot u liked her

Ralph Is Leaphold: to compare with you?

JA: waebr

Ralph Is Leaphold: do not worry jully. i have clean intentions

JA: good bcoz if there was, its never close to possible

Ralph Is Leaphold: wrong again

Ralph Is Leaphold: but really, no more than talking to you

JA: i'm in BIG trouble, u knw that?

Ralph Is Leaphold: but why? for talking to me right now? breaking his rules for entertaining your ex-lover?

JA: wat made u think it was his rule

Ralph Is Leaphold: oh come on

JA: and i never treated u as my ex rj u know that

Ralph Is Leaphold: irrelevant.

Ralph Is Leaphold: but true

JA: ironic

Ralph Is Leaphold: i meant the statement

JA: wen r u guys comming back?

Ralph Is Leaphold: I'm not sure

Ralph Is Leaphold: Melanie really wants to have her debut with yours

JA: but i dont have one

JA: and uhm, we might have plans

JA: out of town plans

Ralph Is Leaphold: with the "uhm" in your sentence?

Ralph Is Leaphold: still not a good liar jully

JA: esh

Ralph Is Leaphold: you can at least attend

JA: xe can celebrate there

Ralph Is Leaphold: she wants you

JA: you want me

Ralph Is Leaphold: true

JA: ralph you'll die of jealousy pag nakita mo kami ni jake'

Ralph Is Leaphold: i'll see you not him

JA: u'll never see me without him

Ralph Is Leaphold: i dont believe you

JA: i dnt care

Ralph Is Leaphold: how are you jully

JA: miserable

Ralph Is Leaphold: with him?

JA: withOUT him

Ralph Is Leaphold: really

JA: yes really

JA: and with YOU!

JA: ralph, we've been thru a lot. butr seriously jake wont be happy about me doing this

Ralph Is Leaphold: he doesn't have to know

JA: i can't keep anything from him. you know i'm not very good with that

Ralph Is Leaphold: true

Ralph Is Leaphold: but you know he needs to trust you

JA: stop the point rj

Ralph Is Leaphold: i'm just saying

JA: i dnt care!!

Ralph Is Leaphold: can you please stop being so impolite

JA: fine

Ralph Is Leaphold: didn't you miss me?

JA: got over it already

Ralph Is Leaphold: that has to hurt

JA: im sorry

Ralph Is Leaphold: i understand

JA: thanks

Ralph Is Leaphold: jully, you're sure you dont want to see us?

JA: wen?

Ralph Is Leaphold: next year

JA: jake wont like

Ralph Is Leaphold: but do you?

JA: not sure

Ralph Is Leaphold: just say the words and we'll be there

JA: why do everything has to rely on me?

Ralph Is Leaphold: because it's all about you

Ralph Is Leaphold: for you

Ralph Is Leaphold: i'm all about you

JA: tell me again you hav clean intentions

Ralph Is Leaphold: i do, i just want to see you

JA: wat for?!

Ralph Is Leaphold: can you ask me the same question considering what i feel?

JA: i dnt knw what to say

Ralph Is Leaphold: tell me you want to see me

JA: you'll cross states just to see me. how can i not stop you

Ralph Is Leaphold: because i want to see you

JA: but i dont

Ralph Is Leaphold: you're not sure about that jully

JA: i dont want to see you rj, face it!

Ralph Is Leaphold: i dont believe you

JA: you dont have to

Ralph Is Leaphold: why jully? because your boyfriends restraining you?!

JA: rules or no rules, rj i dont want to see you

Ralph Is Leaphold: tell me why

JA: ayoko masaktan si jake

Ralph Is Leaphold: so this is about him again huh

JA: this is about us

JA: i know this sounds ridiculous but rj, i love him

JA: and everytime i get to hurt him

JA: it all goes the same through me'

JA: nasasaktan ako pag malungkot xa

JA: nahihirapan ako pag masama loob nya sakin

JA: rj, i wont make you ruin our almost perfect relationship again

JA: read me rj

JA: of all people

JA: you know me more than anyone does

JA: rj, stop fooling yourself

JA: mahal ko n xa

Ralph Is Leaphold: i understand

Ralph Is Leaphold: jully don't cry

JA: and you know that too

Ralph Is Leaphold: i'm sorry

Ralph Is Leaphold: i should have not insisted anything anymore

Ralph Is Leaphold: but jully, i'm desperate. i need to see you

Ralph Is Leaphold: it's been how many months already. but it's really hard

Ralph Is Leaphold: this time, i'm the one who's very dependent

JA: you have pen rj

JA: you like her i know that

JA: she's a very nice gf to u

JA: i know she loves you

JA: you need a gf, you hav pen

Ralph Is Leaphold: i don't need a girlfriend

Ralph Is Leaphold: i need you

JA: what am i rj?

Ralph Is Leaphold: my sister

Ralph Is Leaphold: my daughter

Ralph Is Leaphold: my best friend

Ralph Is Leaphold: my everything not more than life

Ralph Is Leaphold: jully, you don't have to be the girlfriend

Ralph Is Leaphold: you dont have to kiss me

Ralph Is Leaphold: or live by my rules

Ralph Is Leaphold: jully, i just need you to be with me

JA: rj,

Ralph Is Leaphold: please try to understand

JA: rj

JA: you are willing to give up a lot

JA: but i won't let you

Ralph Is Leaphold: please just try to understand

JA: i do!

JA: but rj

JA: there's no enough space for you in me anymore

JA: it's all jake's

Ralph Is Leaphold: i can't believe it's almost like i'm talking about sharing

JA: im sorry

JA: i need to go

Ralph Is Leaphold: please, stay

JA: you're not crying are you?

Ralph Is Leaphold: of course not

JA: your words are too heavy

Ralph Is Leaphold: i'm sorry

Ralph Is Leaphold: it's just that. you know, it's been a while

JA: what books have you been reading hehe

Ralph Is Leaphold: wow, i was that dramatic huh

JA: yes

JA: but

JA: i felt like you really wanted to say them

JA: this was the first time rj

Ralph Is Leaphold: like lines in a novel?

JA: like my lines

Ralph Is Leaphold: i've been reading your novels

Ralph Is Leaphold: and your blog

JA: what novel?

Ralph Is Leaphold: the first 6

JA: ohw, theyre now 7 hehe

JA: i finished "paramour" and then i stopped writing

Ralph Is Leaphold: would you mind to send me?

JA: sure

JA: soon

Ralph Is Leaphold: okay

JA: rj

JA: can i see some of your pics?

Ralph Is Leaphold: Mel's facebook

Ralph Is Leaphold: I tried creating one for myself but i still find social networking stupid so i discarded mine

JA: weird

JA: favor

Ralph Is Leaphold: yeah?

JA: can you go first?

Ralph Is Leaphold: why?

JA: im blogging this

JA: just to let jake know

Ralph Is Leaphold: he really cant trust you

JA: he does

Ralph Is Leaphold: okay

Ralph Is Leaphold: i'll try to fix things with him

Ralph Is Leaphold: i hope i could talk to you more often

Ralph Is Leaphold: if i can't see you, at least talk to you, that's all i'll ever wish for

JA: jake really doesnt like you rj

Ralph Is Leaphold: really?

JA: like he wants to physically fight your way out of mine

Ralph Is Leaphold: ha ha ha, he won't like that to happen

JA: i wont make that happen

Ralph Is Leaphold: me too, i can't hurt you by hurting him

JA: glad you know that

Ralph Is Leaphold: so, i'll talk to you soon jully?

JA: no promises

JA: pls go

Ralph Is Leaphold: we're still not finish with this

JA: we are. just go

Ralph Is Leaphold: okay, good-bye

JA: bye

JA: and dont say the words

Ralph Is Leaphold: i know you know, goodnight Yet

Dota... o Syota?

by: Pao's group in fil2

Kung ika'y pipili ng isa

Ano kaya ang sa iyo'y papasa?

Dota... o syota?

Ikaw mismo ang huhusga

Syota:

Bakit sa dinami-dami ng bagay sa mundo,

Ako ay ikinumpara sa isang laro?

Nararapat ba ang ganitong pagtrato?

Ga'no ba kababa ang tingin mo sa syota mo?

Dota:

Sa paglalaro ng dota maaaring lumingon sa iba,

Tiyak marami ang iyong makikita!

Hindi katulad sa syota

Na dapat nakatutok sa iisa

Syota:

Ang dota ay walang kwenta,

Aksaya lamang sa pera

At kung dito iikot ang iyong mundo

Mawawalan ng direksyon ang buhay mo

Dota:

Ang syota ay mas magastos, umaalis pa nga at nangiiwan,

Ngunit sa dota kailan ma'y hindi ka mapagtataksilan

Makaiiwas ka na sa kadaldalang sobra-sobra,

Hindi ka pa makararanas ng masakit na sampal sa mukha!

Kapwa may punti ang parehong partido

Iyo na bang napagtanto kung saang direksyon tutungo?

Mas gugustuhin mo bang mawala ang dota?

O ipagsawalang bahala ang iyong syota?

Syota:

Ako'y hindi perpekto,

Ngunit sa aki'y mas maraming positibo

Ako sa iyo ang nagsisilbing inspirasyon,

Magagampanan ba ng dota ang papel kong iyon?

Dota:

Ang syota ay nakakasawa,

Lalo pa't kadalasa'y selosa

Sa aki'y maraming kaibigang bago,

Iba't ibang uri ng tao ang makakasalamuha mo

Napagtanto mo na ang mga pagkakaiba,

At kung susumahin ay mayroon ding mga pagkakapareha

Timbangin nang mabuti at ikaw mismo ang pipili,

Siguraduhing seryoso upang walang pagsisisi

april 8, 2010

I opened my eyes and then I saw him, just when I realized I wish I wasn’t dreaming until an infuriating sound woke me up, shouting. I prayed this day isn’t what it has to be, the start of summer.

I do remember myself waking up eagerly to embrace the essence of summer when all that it meant was happiness, freedom, pleasure, and all else far from the ordinary. But it’s going to be a lot more different this time.
I opened my computer hoping he was there for me to say my last goodbye but he wasn’t. I gave him my simplest message giving the obvious clue.

And there came the arrival of my bridge to my worst summer.

I didn’t expect I’d be leaving that early. On with the usual preparations of leaving but more images this time. Taking a bath remembering last Sunday, looking for the missing comb, and for the longest time I had the chance to choose what clothes I’d be wearing today. I wanted to wear one of his clothes left with me. I paired it with normal spaghetti with the shorts I should be wearing on the 10th of April. I was still not contented so I blow dried my hair and fixed them on pigtails, just like the April 10th plan. I looked funny and as usual, I didn’t care.

For the first time, I hated the travelling car of Kuya.

Avelino Street had been the first to reminisce on since that was the last place I saw him. I anticipated as we passed by his radio station wishing he was on his way there, pathetic. And funny how plans gave me more chances of reminiscing as we drove along Trinidad to Buyagan and eat lunch in Mcdo Trinidad, as I was scanning us together in the Strawberry Fest.

There I saw the road going to his church and how I looked stupid wishing Kuya would stop for just a little while when we passed by the way to his house. And then driving back to Baguio and all the way to somewhere I didn’t care already.
People were still not talking to me, awkward but it gave me more time to think. He must have read my message already, even Ate Adri’s. I can’t imagine how he’d be reacting with all these surprises.

To think how happy we were yesterday, I’m not even sure about smiling or crying imagining his smiles and laughs. I’d always glance at my hands as I cross them together and then embrace myself.

More images than typing… I wish there’d be a chance for me to publish this as I step on the roads of Manila.

But then again I was thinking, the whole mock enrolment plan went successful even for my friends. I had the chance to tell April, I guess she was fine with it. Je, I think, is very miserable about it now as much as I am miserable for not seeing her, Letty and Cham. Ven thought it was all drama. Kuya Mj was disappointed and planning to see me here which I really doubt. But above all of my friends, how did my Jake react?

If ever Rj would know about what I’ve done, he might compliment me for the first time for not being a very bad liar myself.

But most of the time, right now, all that’s on my mind is Jake

I miss him already…

Guilt…

45 days

The fervent kiss, so perfect it was one sunny afternoon as the sun pulls itself down to set. The filthy grass, as two hearts unconditionally collide in romance. The lofty trees, as it covered every bare fondness they had. There were many stories to tell from a talker to his perfect listener as she worries about the time while he consumes it all. Perfection, almost perfection. He stares at her as she glares. She’d absorb his scent as he gives more compliments on hers. He gives her perfect three words as she clinch to him.

And then she stopped in his tender presence when a droplet fell on her forehead. Her face went plain as she talks and his were covered with bitterness. She didn’t care about his reaction. She wanted to go home already as she anticipates on the bigger drops.

The rain, they both hated the rain for sullying perfection and then gave her impulsive happiness.

The past, the juvenile kiss, the filthy dark road, the absence of such trees, the first time left with nothing, running, running like she never thought she’d have such speed, running, as physical rain run out of her. These were all replaced by what she thought was perfection.

She still didn’t care about his hatred about the rain; she wanted to enjoy that with him. They ran to the mall exposed apart from the rain. She was never happy until they reached their destination. She was incredibly soggy in approval to her contentment and she didn’t care how other people react. And then she turned to him and hugged him, but all she felt was irritation. She was quite thwarted but that didn’t stop her from loving the scene. They went in with people looking at her with trifling questions in them. His annoyance was still obvious as he hides it from her. Still she didn’t care.

Almost dried up but still very damp, she then started worrying about the time, and more sullenness from him with his evident facial expression. The energy, her excitement, went down, down, to gone. She tried to keep up but her whole bliss turned into pessimism. She was silent. It is indeed an annoying attitude of her, as he tries to bring back her cheerfulness but she remains quiet.

As they walk, she can indefinitely feel the literal frostiness of the air. She’s wearing her damp clothes and the wind came rushing towards her as she unwillingly shivers. For most of the time he tries to approach her, she’d just remain speechless by the freezing aura with guilt in her that she is again making him miserable.

She went home and he followed her until they both reached nearest to her house. He wanted to make sure they’re okay because they might not see each other in quite some time, but then again, she was very selfish of that fact. All she was thinking was she was very cold and she wanted to go home already. She tried to keep up with him with a smile. His pleading eyes wanted her to lose aloofness.

“He loves me, he just can’t keep up with my immaturity”, she said in her as she shivers not by the wind but by guilt and the fact that he followed him all the way to her house.

Words have always been impossible to be voiced by her. “Sorry” would almost be perfect to make up to him, but she made her “usual expression of her feelings”.

“Goodbye”, still holding on each others hands, pulling her towards his chest as she presses her lips through his. Still not enough to let it go like that, and then again, another one. Such warmth she felt from him. Funny why she thought of kissing him earlier for her not to be affected much with the cold wind and for him to lose irritation.

“goodbye”.

I am selfish I am snob I am unpredictable I am naïve I am WORST THAN EXPECTED.

I’m sorry… and I love you.