Dear Melanie,
It’s been
two weeks since I last talked to you, if you even consider that a conversation.
Obviously, you deactivated all your personal accounts aside from your blog. But
since you don’t seem to update it since last month, I really don’t know what’s
going on anymore. I don’t also see anyone from shadows. No one seemed to stay
here in Baguio or in the church. Since I deleted their numbers before and they’re
not texting me anymore, I am totally unaware of their whereabouts now. I guess
it happened, huh?
I heard
RJ’s getting married on my birthday. More reason to forget about February 10. Surprisingly,
this was the first Holiday he didn’t seem to greet me. Actually, as hard it is
to admit, this has been a very lonely Christmas.
I’m
hoping I hear your annoying “I told you so”. You were right. Actually you’ve
always been right. Yes. He did it again.
I wonder
Melanie why Jake’s like that. Yes, I know. I know exactly the answer. Logically
I know everything, but I feel so stupid. We’ve gone through this for almost 7
months and I still play stupid. I’m tired of it really, I’m seriously tired of
it but no matter what I do, I still turn around for him. If I were in his
shoes, I’d never do that to Jully. I’d recognize everything she’s sacrificed,
everything she’s done, everything we’ve been through and treat her better. But it’ll
never be enough, because he’s a jerk.
And as
far as I know, being a jerk is something that can be avoided when you want to
change, especially when you’re called to be a pastor. Seriously Melanie, what
is with him?
Moreover,
what’s with me? I’m sure for a fact that I don’t like him the way I did before.
I am sure that I don’t see a need for him as well. Actually, I know the answer
to that too.
I can’t lose something that I fought for and sacrificed
my closest friends for, even the biggest job opportunity that must have had in
my life. Naghihinayang ako? And perhaps
after how Benj dumped me when he knew about me and Jake gave me the fear that
every guy would react the same if they knew. I also made him a huge part of my
life I don’t really imagine myself apart from him.
Melanie,
will I ever get over it? I wish it was just puppy love. I wish it was just
something I can forget, but Mel. It’s been 7 months already.
I know
also the answer.
It’s
called HOPE.
I wish
it was something that I can just erase easily. But I guess it’s gonna be easier
this time. He’s already decided. That should mean, I must go on with it as
well.
I think
I can do that, though I can’t determine when, I think God has allowed this to
happen so I must believe that there’s something He wants to happen that I will
look forward to.
Another
but…
I can’t
tolerate the fact that I lost you for him, that I lost RJ, Ms. Nikki, shadows
for him. I lost Pfyzer for him. More importantly, I lost myself for him to
enjoy when I see it as something we both must hold on to, but he didn’t. Instead
he looked for ways to get rid of me and catch someone else’s attention.
I wish I
can forgive like Jesus did. I wish I get into accident and forget every moment
since I met him. I must be travelling the world with you now…
Melanie,
I really want to give up now. And frankly, I know that’s the right thing to do.
I don’t
expect you to read my blog. But I guess this is the only way I see myself
talking to you. Well, I felt like I did. I miss you.
I know
we wont be together anymore, or any of my friends. It was all clearly my fault.
Nevertheless, I want you guys to know that I will be fine. I got Jesus.
Your friend,
Jullyet
PS.
I hope one day, I’ll see myself not losing everything for
one mistake.
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