Doing my best to avoid the drama

Can you do the same?

Updates

I didn't have the chance to get back with RJ because my heart said it was unfair for Jen, now his ex-girlfriend.

That day we were suppose to talk about clarifying things about us

well

it'll all end up to getting back together I thought

Melanie set me up on a date with Jake

That day I expected to have a boyfriend again

but I thought it's gonna be RJ

yet

I still fell for Jake.

So yeah

me and Jake are on again

People should think I'm stupid

I think I am

But Hell I care

Now

I know I love Jake but

I really don't trust him

I do regret

sometimes when I see Jake hitting on other girls

(at least this time not on my face)

I sometimes think

I deserve something...

someone better

But that chance was already given up

when I decided to give my whole life to Jake since last year of April

I'm still hurting. And I wish RJ knew how hard it is for me.

Hurting...

Why can't I be enough for Jake when I was everything RJ could have ever wanted...

Why can't they have same hearts to relate with mine

I'm not asking for RJ's perfection to be imitated by Jake

I want him to feel the same for me as RJ did

I love Jake, that I want myself to feel

But what about RJ?

I know he's hurting but what else can I do

I'm stuck with Jake

forever I'll be

I want to be

I want him to be

but not like this

I just wish this was easier

I am not a victim. I am an overcomer. I am a leader. I am a conqueror.

I'm going out of the cage but I'm not coming back to the market yet. I'll be staying in the light instead as it leads me to the right direction.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

NGAYONG GABI AKO'Y MAKAKASULAT NG MGA PINAKAMALULUNGKOT NA LINYA

Ngayong gabi, ako'y makakasulat ng mga malulungkot na linya

Halimbawa, "Ang gabi ay nabasag at ang mga bituin ay kumikinang sa malayo"

Ang hangin sa gabi ay nalilibot sa kalawakan at kumakanta

Ngayong gabi, ako'y makakasulat ng mga malulungkot na linya

Minahal ko siya at minsan minahal niya din ako

Sa mga gabing katulad nito ay hinahaplos ko ang kanyang mga kamay

Hinahalikan ko siya nang paulit-ulit sa ilalim ng kalangitang walang hanggan

Minahal niya ako minsan, at minahal ko din siya

Sino ba naman ang hindi magmamahal sa kanyang mga mata

Ngayong gabi, ako'y makakasulat ng mga malulungkot na linya

Iniisip na hindi siya sakin, at ang pakiramdam ay wala na siya sa sakin

Nang marinig ang walang hangang gabi, mas malawak pag wala siya

Ang mga linya ay nahulog sa kaluluwa tulad ng hamog sa damuhan

Para saan pa at ang pagmamahal ko ay hindi makakapagpanatili sa kanya

Ang gabi ay nabasag at kami'y hindi magkasama

Eto na ang lahat. Sa malayo ay may umaawit

Sa malayo. Ang aking kaluluwa ay hindi kuntento na siya ay nawala

Siya'y hinahanap ng aking paningin na tila'y umaabot sa kanya

Ang puso ko'y hinahanap siya at hindi ko kasama

Ito din ang gabing namumuti ang mga puno

Tayo, sa oras na iyon, ay wala nang pagkakapareho

Hindi ko na siya mahal, sigurado, ngunit kung paano ko siya minahal

Ang aking boses ay nagsubok na maghanap sa hangin upang mahawakan ang kanyang pandinig

Sa iba'y, Siya'y mapupunta sa iba. Tulad ng aking nakalipas na halik

Ang kanyang boses. Ang kanyang walang kupas na mga mata

Hindi ko na siya mahal, sigurado. Ngunit maaaring mahal ko siya

Ang pag-ibig ay napakaikli, ang paglimot ay napakatagal

Dahil sa gabing katulad nito hinahagkan ko siya sa aking mga kamay

Ang aking kaluluwa ay hindi kuntento pag nawala siya

Maaaring ito ang huling sakit na ipinadadama niya

Ito ang huling tula na aking maisusulat para sa kanya

Pablo Neruda

salin nina Ja, Jose at Rebekah

If ever he'll try to make an effort of coming back to me, I won't hesitate in giving him the chance. But I know in my mind that's gonna be foolishness

Nevertheless, if I do that, I'm missing the point of God teaching me a lesson. And the lesson is very clear to me. The only thing is that, I refuse to accept the deal of losing a huge part of me. But in time, I'll be okay.

God's time is perfect. He's always faithful. And who else should I turn to?

In my perspective, the "we" had three sides.

• First, she who had tried her best to be faithful and patient in waiting, yet she had incapabilities and

I may have lost something but I know God has still planned someone. I'm 18, I'm young.

Today is MY first 10th

I had to finish our IT project in 3hours today, and i did. I have to finish two chapters in accounting, I haven't yet. But I must say, blogging an entry for this day must be the most difficult one.

I'd say I'm too much affected by our almost-very-obvious break-up though we haven't talked over it yet. I don't like to blog anything about what I feel with him cheating on me and not a word reaching me. I didn't like the feeling, not at all. But I'm still facing it, I am without him.

The wind keeps me still with the feeling. The annoying sun didn't even help in putting up the optimism. I don't like to describe the feeling because it hurts even more when I admit it to myself.

The guys who tries to impress me didn't even had an effect on me. I'd still think of him as a huge part of my heart, that I'm losing it.

He's like a petal that kept me as the flower, the most beautiful one. But as they say, good things never last. I knew the fact that sooner or later, that petal should fall away from me. The thing that hurts most is the way I am after being left by my petal.

Cliche as it seems, I have to move on. But it's a process. I know it is.

Today should have been our last 10th together in this town. I should have been anticipating this. But instead, I'm trying to runaway from the date, the calendar, from writing it down to my notes and papers, from facing this day with the most difficult emotion. I'd say it's bitterness but I still won't accept it.

I still love him and today is the first 10th of my life without him saying "I love you" to me.