Another Possibility

This is like, the high-school-me blogpost :DD

I like romance. A lot…

I don’t think if the subject of this blogpost is appropriate for now because I am, what I think, in the middle of a heartbreak, but I’m gonna blog about it anyway =))

Sssooooo there’s this guy from the church :DDD

It’s not the same guy (I’m probably the only one who gets this line). He’s actually been there for years now and I haven’t noticed him until now. Maybe because I know he’s in a relationship and so did I (before, of course). I mean, I’ve always been attracted to those kinds of people because I know I can’t do what they do, so I’m interested. He’s not really cute. If I didn’t like him for my personal reasons of being attracted to him, I must say he’s just some random good guy on nice shoes.  In the service early tonight, I just looked at him (though I was thinking of this when we were together last month). He’s quite some guy. No sparks (LOL). It’s just, there’s something that hit me that he can be someone to me.

But I am closer to GOD now more than ever. I read I kissed dating goodbye and I believed in it. I know better now. If I were to engage in such a thing as romance, I know what to do now.

I like summaries.

Point #1. I admit it, I like him.

Point#2. Is this from God? He knows exactly how I feel about my failed relationship. And it’ll stay like this for a long time. He knows that. And I also know that having this new thing would help in my memory deduction and really move on.

Point#3. Assuming that he’s already a “party” in my life, it would still be impossible because (a) we’re both on the peak of our ministry and (b) he, as much as I know it, is still with his current girlfriend (which is not good because I’ve know myself for being prone to insecurities) and lastly (c) I’m not sure if I’m ready to open my vulnerable heart to such risk again.

Point#4. Or am I just using him? Lying to myself that something like this exists just so I can run away from the thoughts of my ex now pursuing someone (which really gives this literal heart ache which sucks so bad every time I think of it). If I was, then this is wrong and I’m, again, fooling myself.

Romance really is fun. But not everything that I think would help me in my situation would say it came from God, or it was an answered prayer from God (uhhh I do remember praying for it before)

But like what I said, prayer is the only key. Whatever I’m in right now, I’m rest assured that I gave up my life to the Lord and I totally packed up down to my destiny.

J

Considerations, considerations

He looked me in the eyes. He said I was lonely. I felt it was awkward to laugh. I begun to have that kind of rush. This is so not happening. Then, “What if kaya kong baguhin emotions ng mata mo? What if I can do better pala? I-coconsider mo ba ako para palitan siya?”

I am so over boys. I know I am. I am sure when Jake and I won’t work, I’d never let anyone work on me with a relationship till I reach what I want. I am very certain of that. So what made me think too much on this for days? I’m not even sure myself.

I never thought I’d be friends with Fin. Melanie knew I have this highschool crush on him but it’s far from the boarding line. I am very serious about my relationship with Jake. I was never pretty enough to be someone’s girl friend, someone like him at least. He’s that perfect guy type (except when he won his title, guys joining pageants always turn me off), but why me?

That I presumed myself, that guys like girls who are very fragile. They want girls when they know they can take care of her. Guys like girls when they’re naturally funny and quite smart enough to joke with. They like girls who are unusual in a way that they’re pretty, simple and unique. So maybe that can be me. Such characteristics Jake never really noticed, or if he did, never really liked about me. Sometimes I feel like he’s in love with me only for the sake of compliance, but whatever, he’s mine.

In summary, Fin likes me. What makes this an issue? I wouldn’t really consider taking a chance on him. He’s too much for me and I don’t deserve someone like him knowing my deepest darkest secret with Jake.

Well…

It’s not Fin, maybe it’s not Jake either. It’s all on me.

I’m unreasonably wary about Jake, that sooner or later, maybe after a few months after our 2^nd anniversary, he’ll find someone in the internet, or elsewhere, and cheat on me again. I can’t let go of the past knowing how much it hurts. These past few days he’s been trying to convince me that he loves me so much and that he’ll never leave me blah blah. On my part, I believe he loves me now, I just can’t be so convinced if how long that’ll last, I mean, those were the same things he told me before he cheated on me. We even had our best days together (as I think we did) during his pre-cheating acts (when I discovered he made a video for the Korean girl, I knew he was pursuing her already and those times, we were enjoying Panagbenga together, I even slept in his house). So my point is, that time I thought we had the perfect relationship, still he had his other plans on other girls, what difference would it make now?

Right that was really long, well, bottom line; I really can’t trust him that much.

Fin on the other hand gives me reasons to consider breaking up with Jake, well not because I want Fin, because I can’t be hurt again. Those nights were the worst nights of my life and I can’t let that happen again. But I still can’t let go of Jake.

Before the August 10, I’m really fighting with myself about that. Fin contributed a lot with these ideas.

If I were to focus on my studies, I know I should break up with him if I am certain that he’ll hurt me again and eventually its gonna be hard for to move on which takes me to bad grades.

And if I were to let my heart rule, of course I’d stay with Jake.

For days, I tried weighing these options until august 10…

Jake made a video for me. I have to be honest I was really on a cloud nine watching it. I thought, was it obvious that I’m considering ending the relationship? Because he’s seriously trying to make me feel loved, which I am.

So I decided, I’m cutting my connections with Fin. I’m staying with Jake and when that time comes, when he’ll be his self again, I’d kill my self

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Of course I was kidding. Things will happen as they come by. Just now I realized I am a Christian. Whatever happens, God’s plan is good for me. If he cheats on me again, or hurts me on any kind of his Jake-ish actions, God knows who’s fault it will be, and that great things are waiting for me as a single person : D

Besides, being a single CPA would make me really rich, and guys are not that hard to find.

But if that happens… Jake wouldn’t be a part of my life.

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I still hope that doesn’t happen because as for now, Jake is my future. I want him to be.