Another Possibility

This is like, the high-school-me blogpost :DD

I like romance. A lot…

I don’t think if the subject of this blogpost is appropriate for now because I am, what I think, in the middle of a heartbreak, but I’m gonna blog about it anyway =))

Sssooooo there’s this guy from the church :DDD

It’s not the same guy (I’m probably the only one who gets this line). He’s actually been there for years now and I haven’t noticed him until now. Maybe because I know he’s in a relationship and so did I (before, of course). I mean, I’ve always been attracted to those kinds of people because I know I can’t do what they do, so I’m interested. He’s not really cute. If I didn’t like him for my personal reasons of being attracted to him, I must say he’s just some random good guy on nice shoes.  In the service early tonight, I just looked at him (though I was thinking of this when we were together last month). He’s quite some guy. No sparks (LOL). It’s just, there’s something that hit me that he can be someone to me.

But I am closer to GOD now more than ever. I read I kissed dating goodbye and I believed in it. I know better now. If I were to engage in such a thing as romance, I know what to do now.

I like summaries.

Point #1. I admit it, I like him.

Point#2. Is this from God? He knows exactly how I feel about my failed relationship. And it’ll stay like this for a long time. He knows that. And I also know that having this new thing would help in my memory deduction and really move on.

Point#3. Assuming that he’s already a “party” in my life, it would still be impossible because (a) we’re both on the peak of our ministry and (b) he, as much as I know it, is still with his current girlfriend (which is not good because I’ve know myself for being prone to insecurities) and lastly (c) I’m not sure if I’m ready to open my vulnerable heart to such risk again.

Point#4. Or am I just using him? Lying to myself that something like this exists just so I can run away from the thoughts of my ex now pursuing someone (which really gives this literal heart ache which sucks so bad every time I think of it). If I was, then this is wrong and I’m, again, fooling myself.

Romance really is fun. But not everything that I think would help me in my situation would say it came from God, or it was an answered prayer from God (uhhh I do remember praying for it before)

But like what I said, prayer is the only key. Whatever I’m in right now, I’m rest assured that I gave up my life to the Lord and I totally packed up down to my destiny.

J

Enough

I have been pushed too hard. I have shown much love and affection that can prove myself that i'm sincere. I fugured, such effort won't be recognized without the initiative of caring to even see it. I have reached the edge and cannot go further anymore. 

I should have done this way before but what a fool I've become to push myself to someone who never really appreciated what I had to offer.

Nevertheless, I am still, and will always be, a CHRISTIAN. I do not bear hatred. I know that this is God's will and it shall forever prevail. I realized I was the only one exerting  the effort and seem nothing has happened because I was letting my emotions prevail.

But not this time..

I was born for this. I am doing a great work and I cannot come down.

!!

Tomorrow, the Pessimist me

Tomorrow, I’m gonna see the results of my hardships on my studies

I’ve been letting others see how stressed I am in school well in fact, it is only partly true. I’m having a hard time on time management and focus. If only I knew how to keep myself on the book, I would have finished reviewing only in a few hours. Things, I mean, a lot of things have been bugging me.

Tomorrow, I might quit on what I think is my ministry in church

My doubts have been a meter which is going up each day. I truly believe that I need God and of course my heart will never deny that I love Him, but the system of religion has been giving me the question marks which make me more unconvinced of it.

Tomorrow, I’m not having that Cum Laude average anymore

I’ve been much generalized on my perceptions on grades. Laziness is an independent factor while my attitude of negative humility is the dependent one. I don’t want many compliments as I don’t want people to see me in such image. All I want now is to pass and have an AVERAGE life.

Tomorrow, I’ll live without Jake

Well, technically, now, I do. But sooner, we’re breaking up. He’ll get tired of me soon, admitting to himself that he doesn’t really like me. He’ll see someone else who can satisfy his emotional and intensive relational needs.

Tomorrow, I’ll never stop crying till I finally get it right

As for now, I’m still living on my perception of getting over Jake. Of course I’d always believe that I’ll never get over him when I lose him. For months, I will cry like I can never stop. He’ll be out there, searching for other girls and expose how in love he is. We can never be friends, I am sure of this. But then, after a few months of tired eyes, excessive use of tissue, failing grades, stupid love songs, heart break blog posts, friends’ cliché advices and bitterness on couples, my eyes will then be open for the many fishes in the sea. Those fishes that I once let go and might come back, even those fishes that kept on coming and insisting their ways to me. I’ll get over soon, just not sure how long the “soon” will be.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna be so different

When all these things happen, I’m gonna change and that’s for sure. I’ll be a stereotype. Weak with faith, without Jake but with some other guy whom I have to adjust with (except of course if I’ll still be with Ralph), no art, no music, same friends, probably with the license though and my new view of happiness found somewhere I don’t know.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna die

I’m guessing because of my Type 1 Diabetes or a car accident or in water, or suicide. I’m gonna have a family either with Benj, and we’ll live same here in Baguio, or with Ralph and I’ll be really rich in US, or any accountant/engineer/lawyer/doctor (since I see studious guy really Hawt LOL). We’ll have children, I’m not gonna be the best wife but I’ll be faithful. At an old age, I’ll quit practice and return to church. Then sometime later, I’m gonna die…

Well, if it does happen. I’m sure my life’s gonna be really miserable. Especially the part when I lose my faith. I still don’t believe in profession and I highly believe in salvation. Added to that, I still want to marry a pastor or a pastor’s son, just to be sure that I’m on track with God even when the worldly things keep on pulling me out. But things are gonna happen and most of them I can never control. I can’t control Jake’s feelings as I can’t control fate. God’s Will should always prevail. But I believe that success has always been a part of His plans for me. I just pray that even when I change perceptions, I’d never lose my grip on life as it should be. FAITH.

Inspire for self-inspiration

Last Sunday, 21^st of August 2011, the graduation for the latest Post Encounter students happen as well as our recognition as SOL 1 and 2 students. It’s a tradition that after the Word and before the presentation of the certificates and special awards of the delegates, a few from us are chosen to stand in front and give off our own testimonies.

I wasn’t chosen but not much of an issue to me. I’m not used to speaking in front of my leaders. In our batch (SOL 2), Tita Lourdes was the one chosen by our SOL Director/teacher.

It amazes me actually that I found myself close to my SOL classmates although they’re not even close half my age.

So she gave her testimony about her inspiration, first was one of Pastor Gaddy’s preaching, and the second, me.

These past few days I’ve been struggling with my faith about the structure and formal processes of the church. I’m quite ashamed of this actually to think that I am now one of the 144 leaders of the church and I still doubt in the formality of the G12 vision. Asking myself often, why do we have to account for every cell member, why do we always have to be in the church even when there’s no scheduled activity, why is it that my leader requires a lot from me when I don’t see them much of the effort they want us to perform. In short, I see the technical flaws of the vision.

I wanted to talk this over with some leaders but I suppose I’d know what they’d say. Jake told me I should pray harder, I do, I always did. But I still doubt about things.

Then came the waterfall vision. Once I get myself in, there’s no turning back. Just like taking up a course and you’re in the middle of the curriculum already.

It’s all about mindsets and passion, which I think I lack now because I’m starting to feel tired with my ministry. I’m having that perspective of an independent Christian who thinks only of “Loving God” and forgetting “Loving people”.

Back to Tita Lourdes’ testimony, she shared about that point of her life when she felt so weak and doubtful herself and that I was the one who gave her the word that inspired her to continue on with her ministry.

Her words were like the wind. I shiver as she speaks of my name attached to phrases of blessings. At that point in time, I knew the Lord was using her to talk to me. I knew the Lord wanted me to know that even in my own way, disregarding the formalities, the requirements and all, I can inspire people. I can win souls to God even when I don’t have my One Verse Evangelism with me. I can inspire people to love the Lord even when a conquest is not scheduled.

The Lord just talked to me that all I have to do is to be a true servant who walks in His ways and He shall make all things come along. I just have to know and live my purpose so that in times where it seem to be so tiring serving the Lord at the same time dwelling with the world, I shall know my stand and I will stay strong with my faith and in love with my ministry.

Inspiring people, especially when unintentional has always been self-inspiring. : )