Monday, July 9, 2012


It’s all done I guess. This time it actually happens. This is not the worst case we ever had as a couple. It’s pretty shallow actually and we both know it’s something we can easily forget and go on with our love story. But it’s been way different already.
He could have regretted coming up with the idea. The fact that he thinks we’re not fit together brought me to thinking that maybe he’s right though he knows he didn’t mean it. 
Truth is, Jake, must be, the only person on earth that I loved this way. Maybe, the only person there is, ever. I love him too much that I myself can’t contain it anymore. I’ve given him too much of me. And honestly I don’t regret it at all, because I do love him.
But its time I move on. 
Many people might think I’m crazy for this. Giving up the Aquinos, Benj, all of my shadow friends along with the band and the crew and of course my passion for music and dance. But I don’t see it relevant to post my reason here. It’s all done. It happened already.
I did have this vision that we’re gonna be together in his ministry. I did see myself as his partner. And I do believe it somehow came from God. I asked for signs. Many times I did, and they were almost all positive. This was one reason why I never gave up on Jake. I believe he was really the one.
But regardless of how sudden this all happen, it just ended that easy. I’m not sure how strong I am to handle the coming days knowing that I’m no longer a part of his life. Can I bear imagining him loving someone else the way he loved me? Can I keep myself focused on things with the doubt in my mind that God might have changed His plans and keep us strangers forever?
Answer: I don’t know, but I have to.
I’m still hoping. 
I am quite optimistic about this actually.
Many may not understand what has actually happen, or why this is happening. One thing’s for sure, the Lord won’t put us on a situation without a purpose.
I’m all on His plan now.
And maybe, if ever the guy I love the most in my entire life come to read this post (I’m sure that won’t be so soon)
I want him to know that I love him beyond words. Every memory we had those I will always treasure. I want him to know that if I was to compare him to any other guys; I kept my self in love with him because he was the best I ever met.  I will always believe in him because he’s got full potentials. One day we’ll meet, hopefully I’m the successful CPA I dream of, but no doubt he’ll be a great pastor, a very talented one actually hehe. So if there comes a time when he feels like the whole worlds against him, he must know that there’s me who has always believed in him.
I love him so much and counting the times I mentioned that four-letter word in this post will never be enough for me to express how unconditional my feelings are for him. I want him to know that I’ll still be waiting. I may be moving on not apart from him or from my love for him. I will be moving on to be ready that if that day comes that the Lord sees that we’re both ready for this, then I will be. 
I know I can’t assure myself that he, too, will wait. Perhaps next month or next sem, or after he graduates, he finds someone else. That would really hurt me of course, but that’s part of the risk I’m taking. I’m letting God decide on everything now so if that happens, thats when I know that I’m not supposed to be in this direction. So, I want him to know that I wish him the best whoever there is who is planned for him. I hope she would love him the way I did or better.
So this is it…
I love the state of falling in love. But now, I understand clearly where I was falling really. I hope this will be the last time my heart will ever be hurt this bad.

I surrender it all to God.

I removed some of my friends in facebook. I hope they understand that I’m really trying to heal. It may look unreasonable but I hope they bear with me. They are really good people I met, and I will always keep their goodness in my heart.
Esp:  ate adri for being that friend I needed. I love her so much despite the awkward situation we had in the past.
        shadows for always having the right understanding. i love you guys so much.