Saturday, November 26, 2011

Chess

The moment you start a move, the one who is wiser gets the vision of what’s gonna happen next. In the game, only one loses and the other wins. Very rarely that it would end up a draw, especially when the other one plays stupid.

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I didn’t see it coming myself. He was with me for a long time and just when he left I realized I didn’t use the time we were together efficiently, instead, I indirectly ignored them and got used to his presence. And now that he’s gone, guess the proverbs hit me the worst. “You only get to appreciate something when you lost it”.

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Despite me ignoring the thoughts of Ralph, I still get to see him in my dreams. In my dreams, only Ralph and Jake get to be so real. Only by dream I get to see my bestfriend like we were before we had that awkward intimacy. I always loved RJ as my brother; I don’t understand why people don’t get that.

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There has been quite aloofness in Jake the past few days. I always considered he was busy, pressured in school and all. But me missing him too much brought me stress. I felt like I needed more from him, but he’s more often unavailable.

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I know I wasn’t supposed to entertain Ralph’s messages, till I got hit by the news of his engagement. I know I decided to cut of myself from him since they left the country, but I knew this was coming. Everything else about us has to end because he’ll be taken away by fate through his forced marriage. I needed company in my down times in my family, school and church. Ralph was there, I took the chance.

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I was upset about not seeing Jake this Christmas, but Ralph’s gonna be here… right when plans were set, Jake knew I was communicating with him again. That’s when he intensified his detachment over me. And in some point, I knew he wanted to quit on me already.

On the other hand, Ralph’s family had their eyes on me again. I had exams the next morning when they started hitting me by their calls blaming me for Ralph’s efforts of going back to the Philippines by his own expense. Moreover, Jake couldn’t resist his self but to burst out of anger.

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I didn’t know what to do…

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I quit the Aquino family. I’m cutting off all my connections with them. I blocked them in all my accounts and even deleted my skype account.

And since I was told by my leader about submission, I’m also running away from Jake by communication.

I am bound to lose them both. Good news is, there will be a greater chance that Jake would stay with me if I let go of the other, but that would still not guarantee me because I know him too much that gives me lesser hope of letting him stay with me.

I just didn’t know what to do so I’m running away from the problem.

________________________________

Jake will reach me soon when I get myself fixed already, but this time, I know Ralph’s not gonna be there anymore.

________________________________

So, to sum things up. In the end, either I lose my bestfriend and still have my boyfriend or I lose them both…

In the game, when the one who plays stupid loses, there’s still another chance of winning by trying it again and again.

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I may not do things right, I know I’m trying.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

A Test of a Cell Group Leader

For two years of leading cell groups now, I still haven’t chosen my disciples. Reason for this is because; I’m usually the weather type of a leader. I get myself back in and in sometime I still manage to pull myself out of the fire.

A few months before, as I blogged about this, I seem to have a lot of questions that turned into doubts about the vision and the church. I’ve been stumbled down because of the human flaws I can see around me but all my questions were then answered by God Himself.

So I went back in, this time having a stronger grip on the Vision. I now see the worth of having to complete my 12 disciples which many may not understand yet. I now desire in my heart forming my own close cell group but my problem was my old members. As I left the Vision, I seem to have left them behind as well. I needed to start new cells to meet my goal.

I started winning high school students, by myself as a challenge, entering classrooms and sharing the gospel. I now have two open cells in BCNHS, one open cell in PSHS (my old cell group) and one mixed open cell as well. Because I knew I had that desire, in a month I already have 26 members all in all.

So I’m very happy that the Lord is really helping me with my goal

But today, I’ve been tested, big time!

We had our One-Day Ignite Retreat today in the center. Out of those 26 members, I expected 8 of them to attend. I prayed a lot for them. I even asked my Christian friends to pray for them as well. I woke up with the strong wind. When I arrived in the center, I’ve been told that we don’t have classes because our city’s signal leveled up to #3 so I thought that was a good sign. But no one came, not one in those 26 youths….

I decided to just attend the ignite myself but I’ve been very depressed. Constantly asking the Lord why? How can they have such little faith because of the typhoon?

A few times I considered quitting that I really can’t do this, that I’m a failure and all. But of course, the Holy Spirit would always help me on times like this. My friends helped a lot too.

I completely understood that the Lord is testing my patience and faith. I don’t have to expect my members to have established within themselves the loyalty they must have for me as their leader considering the fact that we only started our relationship last month. Then I truly discerned on God’s time and trusted on Him.

And in that point in time, I knew my biggest reason of depression is because of compromise. It is true that we have to obey our leaders but God knows I did my best on my cell members. I put a lot of prayer and sacrifice for them to know the Word but having not to convince them to attend either the Ignite Retreat or the Encounter God Retreat wouldn’t mean I failed in meeting God’s expectations. I know in my heart that I’m doing my best to please Him. People’s way of looking at things that I have not done must not turn me down. I just have to pray, pray and pray and stay faithful and fruitful and God will soon reward me of my efforts.

This vision, as the Lord has revealed is not for the church or for anyone but for Him alone, thus I must only consider whether I pleased Him or not.

God’s time is perfect, thus, I will depend on Him alone.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Tomorrow, the Pessimist me

Tomorrow, I’m gonna see the results of my hardships on my studies

I’ve been letting others see how stressed I am in school well in fact, it is only partly true. I’m having a hard time on time management and focus. If only I knew how to keep myself on the book, I would have finished reviewing only in a few hours. Things, I mean, a lot of things have been bugging me.

Tomorrow, I might quit on what I think is my ministry in church

My doubts have been a meter which is going up each day. I truly believe that I need God and of course my heart will never deny that I love Him, but the system of religion has been giving me the question marks which make me more unconvinced of it.

Tomorrow, I’m not having that Cum Laude average anymore

I’ve been much generalized on my perceptions on grades. Laziness is an independent factor while my attitude of negative humility is the dependent one. I don’t want many compliments as I don’t want people to see me in such image. All I want now is to pass and have an AVERAGE life.

Tomorrow, I’ll live without Jake

Well, technically, now, I do. But sooner, we’re breaking up. He’ll get tired of me soon, admitting to himself that he doesn’t really like me. He’ll see someone else who can satisfy his emotional and intensive relational needs.

Tomorrow, I’ll never stop crying till I finally get it right

As for now, I’m still living on my perception of getting over Jake. Of course I’d always believe that I’ll never get over him when I lose him. For months, I will cry like I can never stop. He’ll be out there, searching for other girls and expose how in love he is. We can never be friends, I am sure of this. But then, after a few months of tired eyes, excessive use of tissue, failing grades, stupid love songs, heart break blog posts, friends’ cliché advices and bitterness on couples, my eyes will then be open for the many fishes in the sea. Those fishes that I once let go and might come back, even those fishes that kept on coming and insisting their ways to me. I’ll get over soon, just not sure how long the “soon” will be.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna be so different

When all these things happen, I’m gonna change and that’s for sure. I’ll be a stereotype. Weak with faith, without Jake but with some other guy whom I have to adjust with (except of course if I’ll still be with Ralph), no art, no music, same friends, probably with the license though and my new view of happiness found somewhere I don’t know.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna die

I’m guessing because of my Type 1 Diabetes or a car accident or in water, or suicide. I’m gonna have a family either with Benj, and we’ll live same here in Baguio, or with Ralph and I’ll be really rich in US, or any accountant/engineer/lawyer/doctor (since I see studious guy really Hawt LOL). We’ll have children, I’m not gonna be the best wife but I’ll be faithful. At an old age, I’ll quit practice and return to church. Then sometime later, I’m gonna die…

Well, if it does happen. I’m sure my life’s gonna be really miserable. Especially the part when I lose my faith. I still don’t believe in profession and I highly believe in salvation. Added to that, I still want to marry a pastor or a pastor’s son, just to be sure that I’m on track with God even when the worldly things keep on pulling me out. But things are gonna happen and most of them I can never control. I can’t control Jake’s feelings as I can’t control fate. God’s Will should always prevail. But I believe that success has always been a part of His plans for me. I just pray that even when I change perceptions, I’d never lose my grip on life as it should be. FAITH.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Inspire for self-inspiration

Last Sunday, 21st of August 2011, the graduation for the latest Post Encounter students happen as well as our recognition as SOL 1 and 2 students. It’s a tradition that after the Word and before the presentation of the certificates and special awards of the delegates, a few from us are chosen to stand in front and give off our own testimonies.

I wasn’t chosen but not much of an issue to me. I’m not used to speaking in front of my leaders. In our batch (SOL 2), Tita Lourdes was the one chosen by our SOL Director/teacher.

It amazes me actually that I found myself close to my SOL classmates although they’re not even close half my age.

So she gave her testimony about her inspiration, first was one of Pastor Gaddy’s preaching, and the second, me.

These past few days I’ve been struggling with my faith about the structure and formal processes of the church. I’m quite ashamed of this actually to think that I am now one of the 144 leaders of the church and I still doubt in the formality of the G12 vision. Asking myself often, why do we have to account for every cell member, why do we always have to be in the church even when there’s no scheduled activity, why is it that my leader requires a lot from me when I don’t see them much of the effort they want us to perform. In short, I see the technical flaws of the vision.

I wanted to talk this over with some leaders but I suppose I’d know what they’d say. Jake told me I should pray harder, I do, I always did. But I still doubt about things.

Then came the waterfall vision. Once I get myself in, there’s no turning back. Just like taking up a course and you’re in the middle of the curriculum already.

It’s all about mindsets and passion, which I think I lack now because I’m starting to feel tired with my ministry. I’m having that perspective of an independent Christian who thinks only of “Loving God” and forgetting “Loving people”.

Back to Tita Lourdes’ testimony, she shared about that point of her life when she felt so weak and doubtful herself and that I was the one who gave her the word that inspired her to continue on with her ministry.

Her words were like the wind. I shiver as she speaks of my name attached to phrases of blessings. At that point in time, I knew the Lord was using her to talk to me. I knew the Lord wanted me to know that even in my own way, disregarding the formalities, the requirements and all, I can inspire people. I can win souls to God even when I don’t have my One Verse Evangelism with me. I can inspire people to love the Lord even when a conquest is not scheduled.

The Lord just talked to me that all I have to do is to be a true servant who walks in His ways and He shall make all things come along. I just have to know and live my purpose so that in times where it seem to be so tiring serving the Lord at the same time dwelling with the world, I shall know my stand and I will stay strong with my faith and in love with my ministry.

Inspiring people, especially when unintentional has always been self-inspiring. : )

Friday, August 19, 2011

Shop and Pose with Leane

I seriously can't believe what just happened today.
But I'm posting it anyway.
I love Candies by the way : D

Thursday, August 18, 2011

FACES

I remember that odd thought I had when we had our classes merged on Ecol. Fin sat beside me. I can’t help but stare, I was thinking, I wish he was Jake, that right now I’m with him, that I’m so in love with.

See what this means.

I seemed to have acquired that habit of seeing Jake in every man I meet.

Considerations, considerations

He looked me in the eyes. He said I was lonely. I felt it was awkward to laugh. I begun to have that kind of rush. This is so not happening. Then, “What if kaya kong baguhin emotions ng mata mo? What if I can do better pala? I-coconsider mo ba ako para palitan siya?”

I am so over boys. I know I am. I am sure when Jake and I won’t work, I’d never let anyone work on me with a relationship till I reach what I want. I am very certain of that. So what made me think too much on this for days? I’m not even sure myself.

I never thought I’d be friends with Fin. Melanie knew I have this highschool crush on him but it’s far from the boarding line. I am very serious about my relationship with Jake. I was never pretty enough to be someone’s girl friend, someone like him at least. He’s that perfect guy type (except when he won his title, guys joining pageants always turn me off), but why me?

That I presumed myself, that guys like girls who are very fragile. They want girls when they know they can take care of her. Guys like girls when they’re naturally funny and quite smart enough to joke with. They like girls who are unusual in a way that they’re pretty, simple and unique. So maybe that can be me. Such characteristics Jake never really noticed, or if he did, never really liked about me. Sometimes I feel like he’s in love with me only for the sake of compliance, but whatever, he’s mine.

In summary, Fin likes me. What makes this an issue? I wouldn’t really consider taking a chance on him. He’s too much for me and I don’t deserve someone like him knowing my deepest darkest secret with Jake.

Well…

It’s not Fin, maybe it’s not Jake either. It’s all on me.

I’m unreasonably wary about Jake, that sooner or later, maybe after a few months after our 2nd anniversary, he’ll find someone in the internet, or elsewhere, and cheat on me again. I can’t let go of the past knowing how much it hurts. These past few days he’s been trying to convince me that he loves me so much and that he’ll never leave me blah blah. On my part, I believe he loves me now, I just can’t be so convinced if how long that’ll last, I mean, those were the same things he told me before he cheated on me. We even had our best days together (as I think we did) during his pre-cheating acts (when I discovered he made a video for the Korean girl, I knew he was pursuing her already and those times, we were enjoying Panagbenga together, I even slept in his house). So my point is, that time I thought we had the perfect relationship, still he had his other plans on other girls, what difference would it make now?

Right that was really long, well, bottom line; I really can’t trust him that much.

Fin on the other hand gives me reasons to consider breaking up with Jake, well not because I want Fin, because I can’t be hurt again. Those nights were the worst nights of my life and I can’t let that happen again. But I still can’t let go of Jake.

Before the August 10, I’m really fighting with myself about that. Fin contributed a lot with these ideas.

If I were to focus on my studies, I know I should break up with him if I am certain that he’ll hurt me again and eventually its gonna be hard for to move on which takes me to bad grades.

And if I were to let my heart rule, of course I’d stay with Jake.

For days, I tried weighing these options until august 10…

Jake made a video for me. I have to be honest I was really on a cloud nine watching it. I thought, was it obvious that I’m considering ending the relationship? Because he’s seriously trying to make me feel loved, which I am.

So I decided, I’m cutting my connections with Fin. I’m staying with Jake and when that time comes, when he’ll be his self again, I’d kill my self

.

.

.

.

Of course I was kidding. Things will happen as they come by. Just now I realized I am a Christian. Whatever happens, God’s plan is good for me. If he cheats on me again, or hurts me on any kind of his Jake-ish actions, God knows who’s fault it will be, and that great things are waiting for me as a single person : D

Besides, being a single CPA would make me really rich, and guys are not that hard to find.

But if that happens… Jake wouldn’t be a part of my life.

.

.

.

I still hope that doesn’t happen because as for now, Jake is my future. I want him to be.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Forced Insomnia


One Night Up, One Day Sobber, Next thing- Got the Feeling

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Losing Subs, Losing inspiration :(

Last night, I was up till 2am reviewing for my Part 2 Exam on 202. I didn’t do well with my part 1 so I really need to make effort on this.

So today we took the exam. Jen exchanged sits with me so I was sitted on the very front middle row just in front of Sir Silvestre. Before we started with the exams he announced already that there’ll be some changes which he shall reveal after we finish the exam.

Despite being so conscious that Sir Doms was like, almost staring at my paper while taking it, I did well I guess. I mean, I review much and I know I answered the questions well but that part came…

We passed our papers. He told us he’ll be posting our grades near the faculty room of SABM and next meeting he’s no longer entering the room…

Of all instructors, why him?!!, I thought.

He said his substitution is over and there is no other way for him to take our class and finally, Mr. Alabanza is taking over.

I can’t help but feel bad. I know he does too because I see his reactions every time he looks at me when I react on things he say.

What now? Will I ever survive accounting 202 with the kind of instructor who just enters the room, sits around and give incredibly impossible exams?

I know I will.

But I’m really pissed about the news.

Sir Silvestre’s not entering the room anymore, neither will Ma’am Mendoza next week.

Aside from his charms and good looks (if those are the same I don’t care). I’m really sad because I’m really gonna miss him. He’s really a good instructor. Not only that, he inspires me. Same with Ma’am Mendoza.

That’s what happened today, and I really don’t feel the optimism. I’m really gonna miss him.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

It all ends

I was on my summer getaway shorts with an ordinary t-shirt, went on skates to SM to see Harry Potter and all I get is “Bat ganyan suot mo?”, “Ilayo mo nga ako sa kanya, baka isipin ng iba pareho kaming pokpok”.

Well I’d shout it on her “THIS IS THE CITY GIRL! KUNG HINDI KA SANAY NA NAKIKITA MGA KASAMA MO NA KATULAD ANG SUOT NG MGA NAKIKITA MO SA MALL, PWEDE KA NANG BUMALIK SA PROVINCE MO!” No one can blame me. Who can ever say such a terrible thing right? To think that I wasn’t wearing a really short shorts. I mean, she’s the kind of girl who would give her number to random strange people and she’ll say that in my face?

Well, that didn’t really spoil my day. I thought this day, without having exams had lessened the burden of the coming ones tomorrow.

So I saw Harry Potter today. As always, they have to revise the book so they can fit it into a 2-hour movie. I guess I’d understand that. It was kinda depressing though. That movie that we’ve been anticipating on since I was in elementary is already over. Well, as it was said in the posters “It all ends”. So yeah, not really much of a big deal LOL

So yeah, that’s what happened today. Now I’m bound with studies again and I really have to review.

This post has been really really random LOL

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Turning Tables

Maybe it’s about time for me look unto maturity

Maybe this time it’s his turn to need me

Maybe it’s too much love I’ve given

Maybe this means both must be even

Maybe I must focus myself on the real deal

Maybe its life, without him, I must soon heal

- 걱정하지 마십시오 : )-



Monday, July 18, 2011

Greater sign


This could be more like a dream to me...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

It sucks a lot

"I'm fine" has always been the biggest lie.
I'm bored. with everything.
I don't feel angry about most of my disappointments anymore.
I just expect them to happen and then I feel bored about it.
It sucks a lot....

Friday, July 15, 2011

AFTER COLLEGE

“Magiging CPA din kayo, hindi nga lang natin alam kung kelan”

This statement gave the whole class a big laugh, but I thought of something else. My future.

These past few weeks I’ve been encouraged too much about being able to graduate and pass the board exam. Planning is actually a bit easier than reality. Here it goes…

I graduate BS Accountancy exactly 3 years from now. I enroll in either CPAR in Manila or I’d rather stay in Baguio for ACE. But I think the second one’s more probable. After 5 months of review, on October of the year I graduate I will be taking the exams and pass it already by Faith. Then, I find a stable job. It will take me maybe 3 years to look for one but I prefer working for the government and stay in Baguio. If I don’t get myself “ringed” to a husband before the age of 26, I’ll continue on law and be a lawyer of course for the sake of bringing honors for the family. And then I die.

Of course attached to that will be my ministry for the Lord. I dream of winning the government officials of Baguio to Christ. I always imagined myself with a title and being able to speak to God’s people for His glory.

Easy as I read it, I know there are more revisions to this compared when I publish it. One day I’ll be reading this, successful or not, I’ll be asking myself, how naïve can I be at that age?

With the love I feel for my current boyfriend Jake, I can’t continue on with my future without him in my list of plans. As Jully, Jacob’s girlfriend, of course I’ll scratch the lawyer dream, the not-leaving-Baguio part and being a pastor’s wife, I’d also scratch the government part.

So then I thought, Jake would be the only reason of me holding back. But no. I know it’s not him.

Living in my world means survival of expectations. I want to be a lawyer to bring honor to my family. I want to be a CPA to help my mother to provide for the family.

But the truth is…

I don’t want much success. I want happiness. And that is to live an average life, to see my mother and my father happy living together and not working, to see my siblings finish their studies, to have my own baby and to live a life of serving the Lord.

I want nothing else but these, which leads me to my goal. So to summarize:

VISION: to be able to live a life of happiness according to what my heart defines it to be

Mission: to be able to serve the Lord in accomplishing my goals

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Isogashii time out :)

I just got myself hit by a car. Literally.

Not much with the details but I just had a part of my legs colored violet.

Anyway, I guess I I just needed to look at myself again right now through this blog.

Yes, I’m miserable, but who cares? Since this sem started, I never went off that state.

Jake can’t talk to me, I don’t see Melanie around anymore and I’m stuck with my books and the only thing I talk to is my Calculator.

Well, it sounds cliché already, so what’s the point of elaborating?

I miss my boyfriend soo bad. This is funny actually. When my days are almost over, I know I’m losing hope. Thinking of things like, he’s gonna meet someone eelse, or or, he might pursue on someone he liked before, or or, he’ll just get rid of me coz he’s tired of us this way, those things (and more). And when I wak up in the morning, after dreaming about him, I just know there’s those words of LOVE and FAITH, which I’m strongly holding on right now. And i'm very sure that I'm still unconditionally inlove with him.

Melanie on the other hand, kept bugging my thoughts. This is weird, I thought. Why would I want to think about her a lot? Her skype’s not on. Perhaps she’s busy touring around the world. I’m guessing she’s in Paris right now LOL. I wish she was here, painting my legs back.

RJ, I don’t think I should blog about him but I will anyway. I just saw her girlfriend the other day and I thought, I wanna blog about the night she bullied me hahahaha, well soon.

ACCOUNTING ACCOUNTING ACCOUNTING ACCOUNTING ACCOUNTING ACCOUNTING ACCOUNTING

So yeah, I’m really keeping myself busy with studies. Ignoring the agony of missing my boyfriend and that dude who can’t understand that I have a boyfriend (esh).

I’m actually enjoying it. I’m still not topping the exams but I don’t see competence much with what I’m doing. I’m just doing this for the sake of knowing it.

I don’t know but I already have this desire that I want to pass the board exam soo bad that I have to know a lot.

My instructors inspire me a bit, though right now, all they do is to scare us about board exams. About people going crazy, literally, in taking the exams. But on the other hand they are bragging us about the wealth that a CPA would have.

I’m not into getting rich actually but I thought, my family would expect that. Jake would like that. (I was even thinking that was a factor why Jake wouldn’t leave me and marry me haha). But really, I just want to engage myself with a profession and face the world with a title.

I know it’s not that important to me, my faith is still there and I have no plans to let go of it. but still, right now, I just want to be a CPA soo bad as I want to be Jake’s wife hahaha.

*********

It’s 8:15 and I have to get ready for my 10:30 class J

--- see the transformation? I really want thissssss!! =))

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Stage 4: Tolerance

This entry is gonna be very broad.

My boyfriend, Jake, seems to be at his worst state as a boyfriend.

I do have to understand that he’s busy and all (kahit naman nung hindi siya busy, he's still taking me for granted), but I see it unfair kasi naman hindi lang siya ang napapagod sa mundo. Hindi ko na kailangang ipaintindi sa kanya na mabigat ang sem na ito para sa akin, and the fact is obvious that I am in deep depression for losing Melanie and Shadows. But despite all that, I still manage to be the same in approach to him. I still text him in the middle of my studying hours. I even find ways to talk to him between my class hours kasi alam kong kapag free time nya, he’ll only consider sleeping instead of talking to me while me, on the other hand, would do anything to catch his free time. But I still fail. He’s bored of me kaya mas pipiliin niya na lang matulog, kung natutulog man siya.

He’s also very demanding. Hindi naman sa sobra akong nagrereklamo. I just thought, he could be a little more considerate about me when all he thinks siya lang ang in state of recession knowing na siya ang rason kung bakit hindi na ako nagtututor at sumasayaw which was before my source of financial needs. Hindi niya naiintindihan yon. Kahit kelan hindi niya sinubukang intindihin ako.

I feel bad kasi ayokong magsawa sa kanya. Kaya ko naman magtiis pero lahat nang bagay may hanganan. Last night, I was praying n asana bigyan pa ako ni Lord ng patience but I thought, hindi imposibleng maubusan ako nun kasi alam kong sarili ko n lng sinasaktan ko.

I wish someone was here to talk to me about these things.

sana, siya din ang gumawa ng paraan para ayusin to... kung hindi man, mukang alam ko n ang kalalabasan...

ayoko ng break-up. gusto ko ng refresh

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Goodbye SHADOWS

I was very excited to go to Manila this weekend when Jake just told me Melanie lied to me about ADMU and flew back to San Diego. Of course I didn’t want to believe that even when he’s actually my boyfriend. I gave her messages on her blog, pretend facebook, YM and skype that I’m gonna be waiting for her.

But on my way, I realized, Jacob was right. I tried connecting things. And yes, maybe she was gone.

I lost hope and focused on the Conference instead. But when it was all over, my church mates wanted to stroll around MOA so I have no choice but to join shopping.

When I saw Ice Skating Rink, I felt the sudden rush and hope of seeing them. Maybe, just maybe she read my messages and did come back for me, like what she always does. Surprise me.

I wasn’t allowed to stay but I did anyway so I was seriously out of my mind having them leave me when I know I don’t know how to get away from manila by myself. Whatever.

So I stayed in Tokyo Café where I always meet them when I’m with Melanie.I said I’ll meet her 5:30 in my messages, and she was never late. I waited for 2 hours, and that moment I always wanted to cry. I never felt so alone. Not even Jake knew that for he’s having some stomach ache or something. Could have been easier if he actually cared but he didn’t so whatever, not gonna be an issue anyway, as always.

I have no choice but to wait, I don’t know Manila and how can I ever get home.

After those 2 hours…

Surprisingly, Ryan came.

Alone.

I assumed Melanie was waiting for me at Starbucks. I blamed myself for choosing Tokyo Café. Not until he started on with his words. He first asked to eat at another place. We went to Tanabe. Too much Japanese for a day I thought and ate. I didn’t want to ask Mel yet. We talked about why he was late, how’s film school, how I’m handling my sem, things like that.

After eating, I knew this time we have to break the awkward moment.

I knew something was wrong.

Ryan never looked haggard as he was today. He looked like he broke up with Mel.

Ryan gave me two letters - one from Ralph and another from Melanie.

(I’m gonna keep both letters for myself instead of blogging it)

Ryan was almost crying as I was while reading both letters.

I first read RJ’s, I thought it was hilarious and stupid and actually it made sense after him joking around the letter. I felt even more comfortable with him, to think he’s gone. I enjoyed reading it more than his first letter last last year though.

I was quite terrified to Melanie’s letter.

Before opening it, Ryan told me everything about ADMU, Melanie’s papers being processed and them migrating to CA. they planned this, they just didn’t want me to know yet because they all can’t tell me. Melanie can’t.

Ryan said they all know the plan except for me. I didn’t feel stupid though. I was even grateful because they all did things for me.

Words can’t reflect what I feel right now.

I just lost them.

I know they’re never coming back. Ryan may follow Melanie there but as for me, I’m gonna be alone. I just lost her. I lost Nikki. I lost Lots. I can’t believe I’m even sad for losing Ralph.

No, I really can’t express it in words.

Now I’m alone like I’ve never been in years.

It’s 4:21 AM. I’m in Ryan’s apartment with Ate Che and Soo-jun. in 30mins, Ryan’s driving me back to Baguio.

I don’t even know how to face Baguio knowing they really are gone.

I have Jake, I thought. That should be enough but…

I have this feeling he’s almost he getting tired of me. And I don’t know why. I can’t lose him though. Pessimistic much…

I can’t hate them now, especially Melanie.

They earned many memories with me. They kept all the pictures from me. They’d still do things for my sake. But as for now, they have to step out and face their world without the fantasy of me.

On the other hand, I have to face the world as only Jully, without them, everything normal, but still without them.

Now I pity myself even more.

I’m with my faith. But I still feel incomplete.

Soon to overcome.

But never to forget…

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

No more walking in Quezon Hill

I have nowhere to go yesterday. I was supposed to stay home and read the next chapters on Law and Acctg 202 but Ange invited me over their house so I did. We finished cooking around 7:30pm so I went home around 8.

Their house is just a couple of blocks away from mine so I decided to walk. But that really was a stupid idea…

I was walking around Quezon Hill on my way to Upper Fairview when the streets were empty. I thought it was a good thing at first but when I reached the street near Phases school, I knew someone was following me. I wasn’t scared at first then on the shadows he was already walking towards me faster than he was earlier so I started walking faster, almost running actually. He was already running and I knew I was also panicking. He was already chasing me.

Thank God I reached a store near the road to Fairview and a guy, an architecture student I guess, already noticed us and shouted on the guy. And so the guy ran away. I was still in the state of panic when I realized, it was kind of embracing. The guy asked me a few questions and told me that the part of Quezon Hill is not a very safe place for girls like me to walk through alone. He offered to walk me home but I said I was fine.

The funny thing about the whole thing that happened was I was on headset while panicking :))

Well, lesson learned. I’ll never walk along Quezon Hill anymore.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Defy reality

They say things like what we have never last

As a Christian, I have faith

That should be helpful for optimism

I need that

But I’m not perfect

I doubt

I know I do

Because I still cry every night for one same reason

- That this will soon end

NO

I don’t want us to end

I’d make an effort to hold back the tears when that comes to my mind

It just can’t happen

I want him

Forever

I want him…

Not another 5days

I can never be so sure.

I needed him as much as I need to breathe.

But as the time went on,

I realized what I needed most

was to survive our situation,

to love him even in distance in consideration

to trust him despite his world I’ve never intended to enter.

I am very sure that I love him and that I can’t continue on living with losing him.

Day 1

sandali na lang, malapit na ako. Magsasama na tayo.

My best friend Melanie just left me that morning. The agony didn’t give me a mark because I anticipated too much on the chance of spending time with my Jake.

I waited for almost two hours in the terminal. But I wasn’t very impatient. I have the Marilyn Monroe book, taking the advantage of reading it because I know I can’t put my attention on it while I’m with Jake.

I was almost stunned to see him in front of me. He gave me a hug that I longed for how long and then the kiss I was dreaming about almost every night when he’s far away.

We spent the whole day together. We went out only to eat. We tried on our night plans of roaming Baguio but we only found ourselves back home and enjoyed myself staring at him, cuddling and taking advantage of him sleeping. He had a good sleep, basing it on his snore, which made me stay up all night :))

Day 2

Masaya akong pumapasok sa mundo mo, mas lalo ko lang nararamdaman na iisa lang tayo.

I woke him up imitating the way he always does in interrupting my sleep. I didn’t have about morning breath, I know that’s the first thing I’d do for this morning that I will always keep in mind when all these are over. And I do.

We went to church together, hand in hand. i love the way he speaks of me as his girlfriend without hesitation. For most of the time, I always stare at him and just realize how in love I am with this guy. I’d cry only because I am very happy to have him love me back.

I finished my class in SOL in my church and went straight to him. Unfortunately, I had to be back home so I didn’t spend that night with him.

As the day ended, I was quite terrified because I know; he’ll be leaving the next morning.

Day 3

Talaga naming you’ll do anything for love ano? Maghahanap ng kahit anung paraan para makasama ka lang.

I woke up 4 in the morning to cook breakfast for my siblings but intentionally to cook also for my Jake. I went to him 7 in the morning to find he was still sleeping. Of course I had to interrupt. We watch the game and the movie awards together. We were almost quarrelling about the remote but I actually found that very sweet.

We roamed around Session Road and SM until we met with Ptr. Alvin for Jake’s recording gig requested by his church when we went there yesterday. That was the first time we went out together without having a single cent with us but the best part was, we were together and we didn’t spend anything, not even fare.

After his recording, we roamed around SM making memories, doing our favorite hubby – looking for free tastes haha till we decided to meet with my mom and then again, we didn’t spend on our dinner.

He was suppose to leave Baguio this day but of course neither of us want that yet so he ask Ptr. Alvin earlier to accommodate him at his church for the night. And he did. That night, he stayed in his church postponing his leaving. That day, we had fun and I realize to what extent he can do just to be with me, and that I was even more in love with him.

Day 4

I imagined this once and so it’s happening.

We were suppose to meet 8.30 in the morning but I woke up late there was no one in the house so I invited him to come over for breakfast thinking my father wont be home until noon so we stayed for a while. After breakfast while watching Nanny MacPhee, we suddenly heard his footsteps outside and I was terrified he might think of something else upon seeing Jake in his house so Jake ran up to the stairs towards my room with his house.

We stayed in my room for more or less 6 hours waiting for him to leave. He left the house while we were sleeping so when I woke up, we hurried to get out of the house. That was indeed quite a rush.

I didn’t regret much because I was with him once again in my room.

We met with my mom once again and had dinner with Tito Noel and then going back home together. This time, no more hiding :D

I am very happy that we are still trying on any ways for him to stay. Our money ran down to 700, to include his fair. There are no other choices for us. This is his last night in Baguio for now…

Last day

Isipin mo na lang kasala na tayo.

Hinding hindi kita iiwan, mahal kita, hindi ko nakakayanin.

Magsasama din tayo….

I know waking him up without a kiss will be a burden to me. I was almost guilty for not coming to school for 2 days now so I know I have to be there. But I can’t take the chance of being with him for granted so, we both went to my school as an opening for me for one of the heaviest semester I’d have, with him.

This, I think is the last time he’ll ever enter my school and weird because for those many times he can enter the school with his fake ID, this time he was caught. I was the one who regret the most on his ID. I always wanted to keep that.

So we were in school on our last day together, it sucks to have it this way. We were still thinking of ways of how he can stay but we’re all out of options, he has to leave.

We went back home for his things and then SM again making more memories.

We ate at our favorite place and looked for his “taking-my-boyfriend-away-from-me” bus and by 7, he had to leave.

I tried my best not to cry but as he kisses me I feel like a huge pipe in my eyes is about to explode with tears. I waited until the bus left and then, as my usually scene, I walked session road raining and now without him.

I feel stupid because the agony was like he was totally gone. I tried to convince myself that this is only for a short time and so, I had to stop crying.

It was weird because his whole stay, the sun was up and only now that he left, the whole sky was gloomy as I was.

The original plan was for him to stay one night here in Baguio for his birthday and then went on for 5. I am still very happy for having one of the best days of my life with him. but I am missing him more and more as the days pass by.

My subject and related instructor are indeed making it hard for me but I’m making myself busy as the time passes by.

He may be far away from my now, but who would ever thought we’d make an effort on working this out. i, for one, am sure that I love him and that I cant take the possibility that this might be over soon. I cant imagine him loving someone else as I cant imagine myself with someone else. I want him. I don’t want anything in the world but him.

-end-

**he left me with this note in my phone.

.hey babe we wont b seeing each odr fd idunno hw many months imsurely gona miss u a lot.irily dnt wnt to leave but wla n taung pera eh.sad db.i love u so much babe w8 fr me ha and mg uSap tau everyday tx,tawag,and skype.babe try nt to b so pretty wyl im gone ayt.d n kta iiwan babe coz dt wud b a very s2pd decision at wla ndn akong balak na mkipaghwalay sau kea mainggt nlng ung mga fans naten hahaha.jst rmembr dt ur very strong u have God and I will go home to u soon ayt.i will also try to c u as many tymS as possible ayt.ur d best wife evr God gave me a gr8 partnr in lyf and im so thankful about it babe and I wont stop loving u as in I love u I wil miss u a lot babe I’ll miss ur kiss ur hug ur warmth and evrythnp u knw wt I mean teehee I love u so much babe as in no othr guys allowd ayt! Hahaha I love u jully amme duque mwah! And oh wg k mxado kakain ng sweets ha I love u so much babe!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Doing my best to avoid the drama

Can you do the same?

Updates

I didn't have the chance to get back with RJ because my heart said it was unfair for Jen, now his ex-girlfriend.

That day we were suppose to talk about clarifying things about us
well
it'll all end up to getting back together I thought
Melanie set me up on a date with Jake

That day I expected to have a boyfriend again
but I thought it's gonna be RJ
yet
I still fell for Jake.

So yeah
me and Jake are on again

People should think I'm stupid
I think I am
But Hell I care

Now
I know I love Jake but
I really don't trust him

I do regret
sometimes when I see Jake hitting on other girls
(at least this time not on my face)

I sometimes think
I deserve something...
someone better
But that chance was already given up
when I decided to give my whole life to Jake since last year of April


I'm still hurting. And I wish RJ knew how hard it is for me.

Hurting...


Why can't I be enough for Jake when I was everything RJ could have ever wanted...
Why can't they have same hearts to relate with mine
I'm not asking for RJ's perfection to be imitated by Jake
I want him to feel the same for me as RJ did

I love Jake, that I want myself to feel
But what about RJ?
I know he's hurting but what else can I do

I'm stuck with Jake
forever I'll be
I want to be
I want him to be
but not like this



I just wish this was easier