Stage 4: Tolerance

This entry is gonna be very broad.

My boyfriend, Jake, seems to be at his worst state as a boyfriend.

I do have to understand that he’s busy and all (kahit naman nung hindi siya busy, he's still taking me for granted), but I see it unfair kasi naman hindi lang siya ang napapagod sa mundo. Hindi ko na kailangang ipaintindi sa kanya na mabigat ang sem na ito para sa akin, and the fact is obvious that I am in deep depression for losing Melanie and Shadows. But despite all that, I still manage to be the same in approach to him. I still text him in the middle of my studying hours. I even find ways to talk to him between my class hours kasi alam kong kapag free time nya, he’ll only consider sleeping instead of talking to me while me, on the other hand, would do anything to catch his free time. But I still fail. He’s bored of me kaya mas pipiliin niya na lang matulog, kung natutulog man siya.

He’s also very demanding. Hindi naman sa sobra akong nagrereklamo. I just thought, he could be a little more considerate about me when all he thinks siya lang ang in state of recession knowing na siya ang rason kung bakit hindi na ako nagtututor at sumasayaw which was before my source of financial needs. Hindi niya naiintindihan yon. Kahit kelan hindi niya sinubukang intindihin ako.

I feel bad kasi ayokong magsawa sa kanya. Kaya ko naman magtiis pero lahat nang bagay may hanganan. Last night, I was praying n asana bigyan pa ako ni Lord ng patience but I thought, hindi imposibleng maubusan ako nun kasi alam kong sarili ko n lng sinasaktan ko.

I wish someone was here to talk to me about these things.

sana, siya din ang gumawa ng paraan para ayusin to... kung hindi man, mukang alam ko n ang kalalabasan...

ayoko ng break-up. gusto ko ng refresh

Goodbye SHADOWS

I was very excited to go to Manila this weekend when Jake just told me Melanie lied to me about ADMU and flew back to San Diego. Of course I didn’t want to believe that even when he’s actually my boyfriend. I gave her messages on her blog, pretend facebook, YM and skype that I’m gonna be waiting for her.

But on my way, I realized, Jacob was right. I tried connecting things. And yes, maybe she was gone.

I lost hope and focused on the Conference instead. But when it was all over, my church mates wanted to stroll around MOA so I have no choice but to join shopping.

When I saw Ice Skating Rink, I felt the sudden rush and hope of seeing them. Maybe, just maybe she read my messages and did come back for me, like what she always does. Surprise me.

I wasn’t allowed to stay but I did anyway so I was seriously out of my mind having them leave me when I know I don’t know how to get away from manila by myself. Whatever.

…

So I stayed in Tokyo Café where I always meet them when I’m with Melanie.I said I’ll meet her 5:30 in my messages, and she was never late. I waited for 2 hours, and that moment I always wanted to cry. I never felt so alone. Not even Jake knew that for he’s having some stomach ache or something. Could have been easier if he actually cared but he didn’t so whatever, not gonna be an issue anyway, as always.

I have no choice but to wait, I don’t know Manila and how can I ever get home.

After those 2 hours…

Surprisingly, Ryan came.

Alone.

I assumed Melanie was waiting for me at Starbucks. I blamed myself for choosing Tokyo Café. Not until he started on with his words. He first asked to eat at another place. We went to Tanabe. Too much Japanese for a day I thought and ate. I didn’t want to ask Mel yet. We talked about why he was late, how’s film school, how I’m handling my sem, things like that.

After eating, I knew this time we have to break the awkward moment.

I knew something was wrong.

Ryan never looked haggard as he was today. He looked like he broke up with Mel.

Ryan gave me two letters - one from Ralph and another from Melanie.

(I’m gonna keep both letters for myself instead of blogging it)

Ryan was almost crying as I was while reading both letters.

I first read RJ’s, I thought it was hilarious and stupid and actually it made sense after him joking around the letter. I felt even more comfortable with him, to think he’s gone. I enjoyed reading it more than his first letter last last year though.

I was quite terrified to Melanie’s letter.

Before opening it, Ryan told me everything about ADMU, Melanie’s papers being processed and them migrating to CA. they planned this, they just didn’t want me to know yet because they all can’t tell me. Melanie can’t.

Ryan said they all know the plan except for me. I didn’t feel stupid though. I was even grateful because they all did things for me.

Words can’t reflect what I feel right now.

I just lost them.

I know they’re never coming back. Ryan may follow Melanie there but as for me, I’m gonna be alone. I just lost her. I lost Nikki. I lost Lots. I can’t believe I’m even sad for losing Ralph.

No, I really can’t express it in words.

Now I’m alone like I’ve never been in years.

…

It’s 4:21 AM. I’m in Ryan’s apartment with Ate Che and Soo-jun. in 30mins, Ryan’s driving me back to Baguio.

I don’t even know how to face Baguio knowing they really are gone.

I have Jake, I thought. That should be enough but…

I have this feeling he’s almost he getting tired of me. And I don’t know why. I can’t lose him though. Pessimistic much…

I can’t hate them now, especially Melanie.

They earned many memories with me. They kept all the pictures from me. They’d still do things for my sake. But as for now, they have to step out and face their world without the fantasy of me.

On the other hand, I have to face the world as only Jully, without them, everything normal, but still without them.

Now I pity myself even more.

I’m with my faith. But I still feel incomplete.

Soon to overcome.

But never to forget…

No more walking in Quezon Hill

I have nowhere to go yesterday. I was supposed to stay home and read the next chapters on Law and Acctg 202 but Ange invited me over their house so I did. We finished cooking around 7:30pm so I went home around 8.

Their house is just a couple of blocks away from mine so I decided to walk. But that really was a stupid idea…

I was walking around Quezon Hill on my way to Upper Fairview when the streets were empty. I thought it was a good thing at first but when I reached the street near Phases school, I knew someone was following me. I wasn’t scared at first then on the shadows he was already walking towards me faster than he was earlier so I started walking faster, almost running actually. He was already running and I knew I was also panicking. He was already chasing me.

Thank God I reached a store near the road to Fairview and a guy, an architecture student I guess, already noticed us and shouted on the guy. And so the guy ran away. I was still in the state of panic when I realized, it was kind of embracing. The guy asked me a few questions and told me that the part of Quezon Hill is not a very safe place for girls like me to walk through alone. He offered to walk me home but I said I was fine.

The funny thing about the whole thing that happened was I was on headset while panicking :))

Well, lesson learned. I’ll never walk along Quezon Hill anymore.

Defy reality

They say things like what we have never last

As a Christian, I have faith

That should be helpful for optimism

I need that

But I’m not perfect

I doubt

I know I do

Because I still cry every night for one same reason

- That this will soon end

NO

I don’t want us to end

I’d make an effort to hold back the tears when that comes to my mind

It just can’t happen

I want him

Forever

I want him…

Not another 5days

I can never be so sure.

I needed him as much as I need to breathe.

But as the time went on,

I realized what I needed most

was to survive our situation,

to love him even in distance in consideration

to trust him despite his world I’ve never intended to enter.

I am very sure that I love him and that I can’t continue on living with losing him.

Day 1

sandali na lang, malapit na ako. Magsasama na tayo.

My best friend Melanie just left me that morning. The agony didn’t give me a mark because I anticipated too much on the chance of spending time with my Jake.

I waited for almost two hours in the terminal. But I wasn’t very impatient. I have the Marilyn Monroe book, taking the advantage of reading it because I know I can’t put my attention on it while I’m with Jake.

I was almost stunned to see him in front of me. He gave me a hug that I longed for how long and then the kiss I was dreaming about almost every night when he’s far away.

We spent the whole day together. We went out only to eat. We tried on our night plans of roaming Baguio but we only found ourselves back home and enjoyed myself staring at him, cuddling and taking advantage of him sleeping. He had a good sleep, basing it on his snore, which made me stay up all night :))

Day 2

Masaya akong pumapasok sa mundo mo, mas lalo ko lang nararamdaman na iisa lang tayo.

I woke him up imitating the way he always does in interrupting my sleep. I didn’t have about morning breath, I know that’s the first thing I’d do for this morning that I will always keep in mind when all these are over. And I do.

We went to church together, hand in hand. i love the way he speaks of me as his girlfriend without hesitation. For most of the time, I always stare at him and just realize how in love I am with this guy. I’d cry only because I am very happy to have him love me back.

I finished my class in SOL in my church and went straight to him. Unfortunately, I had to be back home so I didn’t spend that night with him.

As the day ended, I was quite terrified because I know; he’ll be leaving the next morning.

Day 3

Talaga naming you’ll do anything for love ano? Maghahanap ng kahit anung paraan para makasama ka lang.

I woke up 4 in the morning to cook breakfast for my siblings but intentionally to cook also for my Jake. I went to him 7 in the morning to find he was still sleeping. Of course I had to interrupt. We watch the game and the movie awards together. We were almost quarrelling about the remote but I actually found that very sweet.

We roamed around Session Road and SM until we met with Ptr. Alvin for Jake’s recording gig requested by his church when we went there yesterday. That was the first time we went out together without having a single cent with us but the best part was, we were together and we didn’t spend anything, not even fare.

After his recording, we roamed around SM making memories, doing our favorite hubby – looking for free tastes haha till we decided to meet with my mom and then again, we didn’t spend on our dinner.

He was suppose to leave Baguio this day but of course neither of us want that yet so he ask Ptr. Alvin earlier to accommodate him at his church for the night. And he did. That night, he stayed in his church postponing his leaving. That day, we had fun and I realize to what extent he can do just to be with me, and that I was even more in love with him.

Day 4

I imagined this once and so it’s happening.

We were suppose to meet 8.30 in the morning but I woke up late there was no one in the house so I invited him to come over for breakfast thinking my father wont be home until noon so we stayed for a while. After breakfast while watching Nanny MacPhee, we suddenly heard his footsteps outside and I was terrified he might think of something else upon seeing Jake in his house so Jake ran up to the stairs towards my room with his house.

We stayed in my room for more or less 6 hours waiting for him to leave. He left the house while we were sleeping so when I woke up, we hurried to get out of the house. That was indeed quite a rush.

I didn’t regret much because I was with him once again in my room.

We met with my mom once again and had dinner with Tito Noel and then going back home together. This time, no more hiding :D

I am very happy that we are still trying on any ways for him to stay. Our money ran down to 700, to include his fair. There are no other choices for us. This is his last night in Baguio for now…

Last day

Isipin mo na lang kasala na tayo.

Hinding hindi kita iiwan, mahal kita, hindi ko nakakayanin.

Magsasama din tayo….

I know waking him up without a kiss will be a burden to me. I was almost guilty for not coming to school for 2 days now so I know I have to be there. But I can’t take the chance of being with him for granted so, we both went to my school as an opening for me for one of the heaviest semester I’d have, with him.

This, I think is the last time he’ll ever enter my school and weird because for those many times he can enter the school with his fake ID, this time he was caught. I was the one who regret the most on his ID. I always wanted to keep that.

So we were in school on our last day together, it sucks to have it this way. We were still thinking of ways of how he can stay but we’re all out of options, he has to leave.

We went back home for his things and then SM again making more memories.

We ate at our favorite place and looked for his “taking-my-boyfriend-away-from-me” bus and by 7, he had to leave.

I tried my best not to cry but as he kisses me I feel like a huge pipe in my eyes is about to explode with tears. I waited until the bus left and then, as my usually scene, I walked session road raining and now without him.

I feel stupid because the agony was like he was totally gone. I tried to convince myself that this is only for a short time and so, I had to stop crying.

It was weird because his whole stay, the sun was up and only now that he left, the whole sky was gloomy as I was.

The original plan was for him to stay one night here in Baguio for his birthday and then went on for 5. I am still very happy for having one of the best days of my life with him. but I am missing him more and more as the days pass by.

My subject and related instructor are indeed making it hard for me but I’m making myself busy as the time passes by.

He may be far away from my now, but who would ever thought we’d make an effort on working this out. i, for one, am sure that I love him and that I cant take the possibility that this might be over soon. I cant imagine him loving someone else as I cant imagine myself with someone else. I want him. I don’t want anything in the world but him.

-end-

**he left me with this note in my phone.

.hey babe we wont b seeing each odr fd idunno hw many months imsurely gona miss u a lot.irily dnt wnt to leave but wla n taung pera eh.sad db.i love u so much babe w8 fr me ha and mg uSap tau everyday tx,tawag,and skype.babe try nt to b so pretty wyl im gone ayt.d n kta iiwan babe coz dt wud b a very s2pd decision at wla ndn akong balak na mkipaghwalay sau kea mainggt nlng ung mga fans naten hahaha.jst rmembr dt ur very strong u have God and I will go home to u soon ayt.i will also try to c u as many tymS as possible ayt.ur d best wife evr God gave me a gr8 partnr in lyf and im so thankful about it babe and I wont stop loving u as in I love u I wil miss u a lot babe I’ll miss ur kiss ur hug ur warmth and evrythnp u knw wt I mean teehee I love u so much babe as in no othr guys allowd ayt! Hahaha I love u jully amme duque mwah! And oh wg k mxado kakain ng sweets ha I love u so much babe!