It's never about how good it looks. It's about the message, the faith, the reader and the Author.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
I was supposed to go to Manila today to inquire schools on transferees. I was really excited about this. I talked my mom through it. I told her I want to transfer school and live there for a year till I take the board exam.
Pero di kami natuloy for certain reasons. Well, they’re all valid naman.
But seriously, I really want to get out of Baguio kahit ilang months lang.
It may be partly emotional in sense but I also think it’ll make me get out of my cage. I’ve been accessing myself and I think the place is one factor. Well, yes I love Baguio city and all, especially now that the cold weather is back but, I really feel like there’s something good that’s gonna happen if I move out for a while.
But maybe now is not yet the time…
It’s been two weeks since I last talked to you, if you even consider that a conversation. Obviously, you deactivated all your personal accounts aside from your blog. But since you don’t seem to update it since last month, I really don’t know what’s going on anymore. I don’t also see anyone from shadows. No one seemed to stay here in Baguio or in the church. Since I deleted their numbers before and they’re not texting me anymore, I am totally unaware of their whereabouts now. I guess it happened, huh?
I heard RJ’s getting married on my birthday. More reason to forget about February 10. Surprisingly, this was the first Holiday he didn’t seem to greet me. Actually, as hard it is to admit, this has been a very lonely Christmas.
I’m hoping I hear your annoying “I told you so”. You were right. Actually you’ve always been right. Yes. He did it again.
I wonder Melanie why Jake’s like that. Yes, I know. I know exactly the answer. Logically I know everything, but I feel so stupid. We’ve gone through this for almost 7 months and I still play stupid. I’m tired of it really, I’m seriously tired of it but no matter what I do, I still turn around for him. If I were in his shoes, I’d never do that to Jully. I’d recognize everything she’s sacrificed, everything she’s done, everything we’ve been through and treat her better. But it’ll never be enough, because he’s a jerk.
And as far as I know, being a jerk is something that can be avoided when you want to change, especially when you’re called to be a pastor. Seriously Melanie, what is with him?
Moreover, what’s with me? I’m sure for a fact that I don’t like him the way I did before. I am sure that I don’t see a need for him as well. Actually, I know the answer to that too.
I can’t lose something that I fought for and sacrificed my closest friends for, even the biggest job opportunity that must have had in my life. Naghihinayang ako? And perhaps after how Benj dumped me when he knew about me and Jake gave me the fear that every guy would react the same if they knew. I also made him a huge part of my life I don’t really imagine myself apart from him.
Melanie, will I ever get over it? I wish it was just puppy love. I wish it was just something I can forget, but Mel. It’s been 7 months already.
I know also the answer.
It’s called HOPE.
I wish it was something that I can just erase easily. But I guess it’s gonna be easier this time. He’s already decided. That should mean, I must go on with it as well.
I think I can do that, though I can’t determine when, I think God has allowed this to happen so I must believe that there’s something He wants to happen that I will look forward to.
I can’t tolerate the fact that I lost you for him, that I lost RJ, Ms. Nikki, shadows for him. I lost Pfyzer for him. More importantly, I lost myself for him to enjoy when I see it as something we both must hold on to, but he didn’t. Instead he looked for ways to get rid of me and catch someone else’s attention.
I wish I can forgive like Jesus did. I wish I get into accident and forget every moment since I met him. I must be travelling the world with you now…
Melanie, I really want to give up now. And frankly, I know that’s the right thing to do.
I don’t expect you to read my blog. But I guess this is the only way I see myself talking to you. Well, I felt like I did. I miss you.
I know we wont be together anymore, or any of my friends. It was all clearly my fault. Nevertheless, I want you guys to know that I will be fine. I got Jesus.
I hope one day, I’ll see myself not losing everything for one mistake.
Friday, January 4, 2013
I don’t like this day very much. Sometimes, being able to resist not coming to school is very helpful on these circumstances.
This is the first day of school for 2013 to me and it is soo not a good start. I did not pass Tax for prelim. Its ridiculous. I know myself that Tax is way easier than any accounting subjects. Thing is, I’m a total consistent absent student that I actually missed all my CS, which I never thought would be 60% of my grade. K
I’m also broke today; I actually spent only Php 30 today. It’s not that it’s a bad thing; I just really have nothing to spend anymore LOL.
And I’m so disappointed with myself, seriously. I have problems with “that thing”. (I really don’t want to mention it anymore)
Anyway, I’m starting clinging to my face again just to sober up the BV. I really don’t like this day. I hope it gets better
Dear Etude, please make me feel better tonight…
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Last night I promised myself to wake up 4 am and attend the 90 day challenge. I prepared everything ready so I can just take a bath in the morning and go straight to church.
As expected, I woke up 7:30 K
I really have issues with time. I mean, serious issues with time. I’ve been late all my life in all my activities, shallow or important. I wonder why I can’t get this out of my system. Maybe I am stubborn and lazy. Maybe I am careless and irresponsible. But despite that I know I handle work properly, I can work with commitment and all, but why can’t I solve this time issues.
Anyway, in the bright side, I have the perfect hair today. I wish I get this shape every time I curl my hair.
I have nothing to do in the office. We were supposed to be rotated in offices already. Actually I was really praying hard for Cash Office. Unfortunately, I will still remain in the Accounting office for this week and wait for the next week.
Also, despite my PMS, I still find it a beautiful day. The sun is shining but God kept the cold weather that I want.
This is soo Baguio.