Thursday, January 28, 2010
“the criminals, the most wanted criminals, they kept on hiding their selves. But do you think they’re really happy? Or at least contented with their situation? They’re not, because there’s one thing they don’t have that keeps happiness for real, its freedom”
“what is this to do with what I feel?”
“you feel sad, you kept on hiding it, you think it’s easy to be one self-criminal?”
Everything seemed normal and typical.
People don’t hate me.
My name was printed over that overcrowded tarpaulin.
I am kept in track of love.
Regrets for some shallow request.
Doubts for someone I trust.
Boredom about typicals.
His constant absence.
I wish your name would just appear online even when you don’t talk to me. I wish you’d still read my hopeless e-mails. Don’t forget, that’s what you said. And I feel stupid.
You people just don’t get the idea that I don’t want to be the best. Being called a “dean’s lister” would bring so much contentment but why the bitterness? I still got one spot. And I’m not reserving it. Because I just don’t want to excel.
I hope you mean what you say. I hope it’s true you love me more like what we are. I was never the best you’d ever imagine but I’m true to you. I believe I never did something wrong and it’s your part to understand since you’ve given me one title in your life.
I’m looking for excitement and I thank GOD, my friends and the others who kept on insisting enjoyment in my existence. But still, I am bored.
I love you. To any extent my words would reach, I love you. And I miss you. I was stupid to think that it’s gonna be easier for me to adjust not to see you. But it was fire between pride and love. And fear overpowered me and now I can’t be my self-criminal. Prayer is the only one keeping myself up to what we have. I am waiting…
Keeping up, really keeping up! i am VERY STRONG!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Opening the door of 7-11, I saw this familiar guy who walked through the pedestrian. He was wearing one of those Edward Cullen coats I've seen in the movie. As he walks towards the walk way, the light opened his face to me and I was unbelievable not to respond with what I saw. He’s taller with his pale white skin like that of the Koreans. His eyes grew incredibly beautiful and with the smile that made them shape like the moon not to mention the dimples showing off in both sides.
He’s expression was blissful like a father who finally saw his lost daughter. I was just standing in front of the door. Very still I am that I didn’t even notice my mouth almost open. I just stared as he waited for me to respond.
Then I heard his enthralling laugh I've been longing to hear for months.
“Same old Jully”, he said.
By his voice that have uplifted my mind-set, I felt happiness that finally, God gave me one of my wishes in my list. Leophold
We went back to the secret hiding place, which now had been invaded by street vendors. He had his guitar with him serenading me like we were before –my favorite part of falling for a musician.
The hot topic was Pen Uni and my Jake. I’d ask more of Uni but he tries to run away from them but in opposite, I love it when we talk about my Jake. It amazed me how mysterious he was to me. His words for Pen, it was the same when it was me. I can see he really likes this girl. But I can still see how he envies Jake with my words. I know how he calculates my feelings and he knows I’m beyond what I'm saying.
“as Jully, not as a friend or a girlfriend, you’re pretty amusing to handle”
“mahirap kang i-let go dahil masarap kang alagaan”. He would always try to catch up with my tagalong but he still sucks in his own language.
“ano ako pet?!”
He still loves me because he knows I still need him.
-this I concluded with evidence through everyone else’s opinions.
His plans were sudden and I never expected the change of schedules.
In the taxi on my way home after the service, I heard this…
I cant back down; I’ve been loosing so much time… coz it’s you and me, and all of the people with nothing to do nothing to prove. And it’s you and me and all of the people and I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you
I remembered the prom on top of the hill attended only by two people. I ordered the taxi to immediately go back to Ralph’s place. But they weren’t there. I did not loose hope. We went to Mel’s and their car was just leaving. I thought they’ll be out 5pm?
Being the last to enter the car, I shouted Melanie’s name. There was Ate Nik with Kuya Kyle. They were very shocked as Mel hugged me tight as she can. I felt her tears on my shirt. Kuya Kyle grumbled with his derisive smile as I hugged him. Ate nik sitting by the front sit tried to ignore me but she wanted to save the best for last as she blocked the car. All the aloofness she had for me for the past few days turned out to be the normal ballet adviser I had before as she kissed and hugged me and allowed me to see her brother for the last time.
I waited, everyone stopped breathing, I think as they also anticipated. His silhouette was hesitating and trying to get courage as it appears from outside of the car. Then there he comes, the very most immortality he had with his charm intensified my beat. He gave me a grimace as I stood waiting for my blood flow through my veins and voluntarily get myself attached to him for the last time. For seconds, we stared at each other. I was memorizing him as he gazes only at my face. For the first time, I wasn’t intimidated with this act.
I smiled; I already felt the awkwardness of the scene. He smiled back. I was never amazed by it. It wasn’t the best he showed me but the fact that it was the last gave me the happiest remark. His dimples, his lips as it touches his eyes, his eyes, as perfect as a straight moon. Slowly he came closer as the beat of my heart went more rapidly.
I clinched in his arms so fervently. He was my father, my brother, my best friend and my past lover. I waited for him to talk but it seemed like he was focusing on what he feels. I can hear his heart beat. He was so warm and I was still calmed.
I closed my eyes, my mind was scanning the whole scene for me to remember and then one image came in. Jake.
I must had loosen up a bit for him to notice
“Don’t, yet. I’ll never have one like this for the next 10 years or forever”, he muttered but clear enough for me to understand.
“You’ll have more from Penelope”, the image I had gave me a bit of guilt. If Jake would see this, or if I would blog this and when he reads it without his name being mention in this scene, he might think of it as cheating, not to mention I haven’t talked to him about this.
“You are not Pen, you’re my only Jully”
I almost got irritated with the italized word but I realized one reason why he didn’t like to let go yet though my arms were completely on my side already. He was crying. He knows I would laugh to see him like that. I’ve never seen him cry, ever. I guess the last time would now be the first time.
“G-O-O-D space B-Y-E”, I wanted to see his smile again, that’s what I’ve been anticipating since I decided to see him.
Ate nik signaled that they have to go as they hugged me for the last time. They were already in the car except for Ralph.
More of my sweet talk as he responds then ate nik disrupted.
He came closer. It was a perfect pose for a kiss but I showed him my punch pose and then he laugh as an angel again. He kissed my forehead. That’s when I felt like a daughter letting go of his father.
That’s it. The last time I saw Ralph Jacob Aquino.
This time, until I get use to be alone and independent, I have to learn to be more dependent on Jake’s love, which I should’ve fixed before I committed myself to him. I have to admit, I sometimes think of RJ when I feel like I need care that should’ve been Jake’s role to me and mine to him.
Mel was right, the only way to let go is to be independent to him.
I love Ralph, and he will always be the best brother I’ll ever have.
A loving, self-sacrificing, unselfish friend he was and will always be.
I don’t regret much on this decision. I am never happier as he can be when I finally learn to be independent, and for him to finally learn to let go.
God’s purpose was clear. We both learned one of the greatest lessons we’ll always have for the rest of our lives.
For the last time, I love you Ralph J
Friday, January 1, 2010
Out of my depth, I wish I’d never wake up from a sleep. Things won’t slow down the way I want it to be so maybe just a stop. For a day of celebration that was suppose to applaud my real inside, gave me such monotonous attempt to be whatever I had to be for the rest of my existence.
There was nothing amusing about anything right now, but I still managed to be seamless sanguine to uplift anyone’s pose. I wish I’d make something out of nothing I have right now.
I wish I’d fall in love again.
I wish I was high school again.
I wish I’d see the same day I met Jake.
I wish I knew how to make a perfect tumbling again.
I wish I’d die with just God’s will for it to be evident.
I wish my head was above the clouds and then I’d fall.
I’d fall… and I know, tomorrow or the next day won’t be the same for the one who would always catch me from my reckless dreams would leave me. I wish, things would just slow down for us a bit.
I want Jake, I want him now. But what else can I do. as slow as I want time would be, I wish it would just fast forward till I see him… next week. Next week, and things would really change.
Why do I always have to see Jake the time Ralph leaves? I guess God’s perfect plans would make the uncertainty of the reason.
Ralph leaves, why am I terrified by imagining it? It was, after all my decision. But I wont get everything I want. Jake’s incessant absence would still linger and make me one crazy writer of my grief of missing him every now and then. Yes, I won’t have everything I want.
I feel more impatient by the time and more idiotic with my mindsets of slowing down and fast forwards of events.
I wish I could just sleep. Sleep all day till Ralph’s gone, till I see Jake, till I die…