11-26-09 the traunt and his pride

Blood. I woke up with one of my biggest fear. I looked for the tissue paper with my eyes closed. I really hate it when I this scene come in, especially when people see me with this. Two consecutive nights, I dreamt about him. But because of the astonishment that opened my morning, I forgot all about it.

10:30-11:30 break, I opened my mail for a while, checking champ’s post about the glorietta gig. I haven’t seen any of his latest posts instead I was shocked about R’s offline message. I think it’s gonna be too exposed if I would blog his exact words but generally, it was all about his worries about my health. (Melanie just can’t shut her mouth about the nosebleed thing). He just cant stop bugging me, in a nice way though. He really internalized that “kuya” role. I was invisible (in ym). I didn’t think about what would be the time there but I replied “I’m fine, you’re not in the right place to worry, thanks for your concern though”. (looks like he’s gone really fluent now, he cant speak straight tagalong already). After a few seconds, he then replied. I should’ve known he always appear invisible to catch me, ugh. As expected, we ended our conversation with an unsolved fight. He can’t listen, or even believe everything that I say. And to look at the situation, I don’t even find any reason why I still entertain his nonsense (rude much?). The worst part was when he started insulting Jake. I mean, he doesn’t even know my guy yet he talks like a father who kept on insisting he’s like everyone else. Very insulting in my part of course, he even dared to infuriate Jake, which scared me a bit. He’s always been so competitive at times, and as well as I know about Jake, its either he keeps quiet or never give up on a “talk-insulting-and the like” fight. (I mean, they won’t see each other so I guess no violence). I mean, talking about violence, I cant imagine them both physically hurting each other. It’s a nice concept though, to be the reason hahah! Joke!. But seriously, I don’t want ANY fight at all. If Ralph meant what he said, I’d never let that happen.

Before going home, I stopped by the net shop. I was worried he might have started bugging Jake already. but I realized I didn’t know Jake’s YM password so I cant stop Ralph. Fortunately, Jake’s OL. I asked him and he said no, whew, big relief. I was still irritated this afternoon. Lots of reasons actually, in school, with my friends (or friend), Ralph's drama. But im very happy about Jake’s “presence”. Plus, he knew what time I would come in online. Very sweet. Hehe.

I brought up the whole Ralph's bugging plan, as expected he won’t give up on Ralph’s taunt. I tried to convince him about ignoring his words though they will be very potent especially when he starts to speak of it like in debate. He’s really creative with coming up with such prevailing words. That’s what I’m scared of. And the thing that’s really very humiliating is that I know Ralph more than I know Jake. But I guess the time span would explain that. Anyway, I’ve been thinking and I think (?) Ralph won’t do it anyway. He knows how affected I can be whenever a person I love would be hurt. It maybe over reacting or worst. I know he thinks right for my sake.

But not in relation with Ralph. I saw Jake’s pride. I don’t know how to think about it whether that would be positive or negative. Though we have this commitment already, I'm still trying to go deeper in him to know every aspect of my boyfriend. But it’s nice to see one part of him. haha, can you just imagine Jake fighting for me hahahaha! That would be the sweetest thing, except the part where he gets hurt. I’d never like to see him struggle or whatever. Its gonna be very sweet though :DDDD

Haha and one last thing. Family of the other part can be very tough to handle. In other words, I cant meet his family without worries. Not that I’m already thinking about that always. He just mentioned that this afternoon hehe. Ralph’s family- I didn’t have the chance to meet the parents because of the R and J thing, though his sister really likes me. The first time I met her, I was all very anxious, worried about everything, but it was fine. As for Karl’s- I met her mom, she was nice, I think she likes me haha! She calls me whenever he’s really sad and does things she doesn’t like (maybe because the often reason would be a fight with me hehe). I also met his brothers. I didn’t feel fear because it was all a surprise but I felt a little conscious about my weird personality.

I don’t know with Jake’s. I feel more timorous about it, haha lets say, more love means more fear haha!

That’s it for the day. I hope tomorrow’s not gonna be a typical day for me. I can see, these days are getting boring.

Because I’m crazy for you…

11-25-09 the REM

This “scared” thing is getting too much in me, even in REMs. Last night I dreamt about him but I didn’t like it. It was very blurry except for some parts- the only ones that I can remember. The first scene I remember was him running really fast and I was trying to cope up with his speed. I was just following him when everything went blurry. And then some girl stood in front of me. And then it was blurry again but there’s something I remember, something like this girl’s staring at me and I feel a bit of intimidation. And then I forgot what happened next.

In the next stage of my sleep, another REM occurred, he’s still there and this time, I’m crying. This is the clearest scene I remember. I was wearing a ring that time and I removed it from my finger and a girl suddenly took it from me. I didn’t see him there and then blurry again.

Maybe because I slept too early last night, 9pm I guess, because I had another stage or maybe it’s just a continuation of the last REM. This scene was blurred but he’s there. Its weird, I’m staring at him and its like, every time I blink, he changes his clothes, and all are in blue. And then I forgot what happened next, and the last scene was I was hugging someone while I was crying; I’m not really sure who and then I woke up.

Strange, very strange. The meaning might be obvious for someone reading this. There is one theory of dreams that can be applied here (psych 1). I’m not worrying that much am I? I mean, its not like I’m really scared that would happen, and I believe that won’t happen. This is the cons of being such a deep thinker haha, I still think it’s a positive attribute though, for me not for someone, especially him.

Time in my clock is 9:25. Sana mapanaginipan ko siya ulit.

I need you here tonight

I need you here inside

I need you here tonight

I really really need you here..

Tonight

-this is not the only Hale song in my playlist, but listening to Roll’s voice with this song, more memories, but I always want to relate him with this. Like, I want to speak of him with the lyrics in a normal romantic conversation haha but actually the lyrics is like for a girl leaving Roll in a relationship and he’s trying to take it all in except for the chorus that he still admits that he needs her, something like that. Fine, ONLY the chorus will be for Jake haha. Ugh, ill be making a blog post for the songs in the playlist. No net means more and more blog posts haha. No ones reading but its nice looking at one of your blogs with lots of posts, I mean I don’t expect anyone to read anyway, for personal use only haha.

(ahy oh, shooting star ang next hehe, Hale manen. Well, sabi niya nga, stop na ang pagiging Haler haha)

11-24-09 crazy for you

I see you through the smoky air

Can you feel the weight of my stare

You’re so close but still a world away

What I’m dying to say

Is that im crazy for you

Touch me once and you’ll know its true

I never wanted anyone like this

Its so brand new

You feel it in my kiss

Im crazy for you, crazy for you…

-haha, the first song in my playlist. its shuffled, and yah I found the mp3 haha, I’ll be giving this back when Kuya wants it back, but he’s not looking for it for like 5 months already, since I lost my other one, so I guess this is mine haha. Anyway, yah the song. i was thinking about him, as always, and I can really relate to this haha. I’m playing this over and over and I’m actually starting to memorize this already haha.

Crazy for you, yeah I’m crazy for you, and you know its true

Anyway, I just got home from school where I first dropped by the internet shop to find the telephone no. of Digitel to update them with our Net connection’s status. Apparently, he’s online. I was actually planning to like, log on just to ask my friends for like 15 or 20 minutes? And then he was there.

I told him about me buying my phone, and then it all ended “wag mo papaalam sakin pag nagka-fown ka na ha”. By that right now I’m having so much doubts about buying one. But I have my sim already, not that I’m excited and all, I was just with my friend who bought her globe sim also. And now, I don’t know how to use this because I think I wont be buying a phone anymore.

Relating this with my intro for this post. People who might read this might think I’m “crazy” for not buying one just because he doesn’t have one. But really how would a phone be as useful as it will be if I still can’t communicate with him? like I said, it’s the “primary reason” of having one.

Let’s see. I’m planning on having a phone when:

1. I reach the total of Php 8,000.

2. When I’m home and my mother’s not there, and when I really need her help.

3. When Jake got his phone.

4. If I need it already in terms of studies.

Reasons of having a phone:

1. To at least know how’s Jake even when I don’t see him.

2. for jake not to text other girls else cause I’m there (yah that’s counted haha).

3. to text jake. Fine the first three would be counted as one! Haha. Yes im crazy! Haha.

4. keep up with my friends (not really, they still see me).

5. for academic purposes, yah I know laptop wont provide some things phone would do haha.

6. to text my family if and when I’m not coming home or when I need something or, fine!, when I miss them. Haha!

7. everybody has one haha! (but really, I want to keep that “different” image haha)

And since the “primary reason” would not be possible for now, I guess I just don’t have to buy one yet.

Possible things that might happen when I would have one are:

1. food + transportation + more food(haha) + savings + LOAD!

2. should be more careful, yes that’s something negative.

3. I WILL regret because, you know, when I look at a phone, I always expect someone, I mean him, to text me.

4. past people would eventually get my no. and text me. That’s something Jake should worry about haha jape.

But seriously, while I was online, considering he was OL also, I was talking with jumeh and he got my no. (what? I gave it to him because I missed him, not like I miss jake, but he’s been my friend before strange.

Ugh, its not final yet but for now, I’m not buying a phone till I fix my mind hehe.

This post is senseless ahaha

Here’s the drama

No, you won’t let go of me. No, I’d never let go of you. But if letting go and leaving be relative with what we have. I’ll stop writing,

!!!

but might not stop loving… ~♥

*I still think he wont read everything I’d be writing. But if he does…

Don’t scare me with your jokes XP

11-23-09 communication

I’m home but my mother’s not here so I don’t know if this would still be the perfect place. In one way or another, I felt like I really need a phone already. Actually, this is the only time I thought about that. Yes, I need a phone and I’m buying one. Don’t have enough money for XM but I just have to buy even the cheapest one. Tomorrow I guess. I can’t wait for Christmas; for sure I’d still spend money everyday so I cant save that much. And my mother wants me to hehe

But actually, the “primary” reason for me having a phone is to have at least communication with him. But he lost is phone so how’s that? Weird, he got his when I got none. And now I will be having one, he’s got none. I’m not sure about God’s purpose with this, but I trust Him. Hmm, for our relationship to last longer? As in longer? Would that mean, if we communicate or see each other everyday, bigger chance of separation? That has to be wrong if I spell LOVE correctly.

Haha, really weird. We started through texting and now that we’re together, we’re both phone-less. Uhh, this is really hard, or am I just thinking about everyone else’s opinion about it? People would say “kaya kayo nagtatagal kasi hindi kayo nagkikita”, very insulting actually, that they don’t believe in what we have. Well for me, or for some, I think its a positive one. People not seeing each other yet they’re still together. One reason is they love each other that they can resist themselves from liking someone else. Ours is actually more amazing to think that we don’t even communicate, yet we still love each other without each presence.

Past people may not believe this, or may have doubts about me being loyal to someone I’m not seeing for at least once a week. Well I guess, the so-called playgirl found love’s true definition. Its still the same, when I think about him (more often this time, even when I’m busy actually) that makes me “love him everyday” if they would say. And then wait till I sleep at night to see him perfectly present in my dreams haha!

I hope he’s okay and his parents would understand he didn’t mean to lose that. I really hope he’s fine.

11-22-09 : Scared is the word

Sunday,

It had been a busy day. But it did not stop me from missing him more. Still no connection. Im not grounded or whatever. I’m just preventing myself being seen “wasting money”. Its 5:55 in my clock. I’m waiting for nothing. I am suppose to print my notes for the exam on Tuesday, but I just cant get off the bed heehee.

It’s going to be so, redundant, yes that’s the word I guess, if I would just type and type “I miss him, I miss him, I miss him”. Well, I’m not forcing anyone to read this anyway. It’s for uhh, personal use. Haha makes sense!!

Anyway, I was just thinking about all his words. He really can’t stop talking so deep that I really have to think about it. Not that I don’t understand, its just that I have to conclude the thoughts he’s giving me every time he “talks deep”. its not normal for me to “talk deep back” at him. It’s kinda corny when I talk personally. I mean, seriously. Since when did you see Jully trying to emote on someone? Except for some instances of course, but really. Awkward!

He was like “don’t be scared”. And inside I was “of what? About people around us with their negative perceptions? Of course im not. Maybe, I am. Scared of loosing you”. I’m not really sure how he got that but I guess he saw my face the part when Edward’s saying goodbye to Bella. Esh! That’s something weird about me. It’s really easy for me to relate with what I see. Haha. I don’t know. When we were watching that scene he asked me (which I didn’t really like) “pano kung ginawa ko sa’yo yan?” Hearing him say this, I wanted humor but I remembered that part of the book when I read it. Bella was all “he’s gone. He’s gone”. I don’t remember my answer to his question but I guess I just laughed. Haha, well really the answer would be uhh, its gonna be POSSIBLE for me to be crazy when he does that. That was the first thing that came into my mind. I know, in any means, it’s wrong. But it is possible really. I never tried loosing someone REALLY special, you know, like a relative or the closest one.

So what if Cob leaves? What would happen to Ja? Well, I can really say I’m a bit vulnerable when it comes to guys, because of the past. But Jake’s different. He’s really different. His level of importance goes higher to extreme. I really love him, that much.

Near the lake, he mentioned the same thing. “Don’t be scared”. This time he gets it, or I did? I am scared of loosing him. And then he said. “You’re not trusting when you have doubts”. Not exactly but that’s the point. Not trusting would mean not loving. That statement would make me a liar. I love him. And trust has to be a part of it. And not just in his side. That would also mean I don’t trust my prayers, specifically, God.

Haha, thinking about this, still reasoning to myself. Maybe I was just too carried away by the scene. Or im being too imaginative that I’m really Bella. Hahah! That explains it.

Ja ♥’s Cob

Cob ♥’s Ja

11-21-09 : He left

Straight forward. And then turned. Tried to take pictures and then went on. Waiting for the next ride, I stared. It was like imagining, him being there looking back at me. And then do some funny poses as I stare. He looks back at me, and I’d stop. He comes closer now reaching for my hand. Closer now and then I’d refuse. I move and he stares. He comes closer again and tries to kiss me. A verb I can’t resist. Then I would somehow end it so sudden. Moving far away from him. For the last moments we’re together, no I don’t want him to touch me or either way. I just want to stare. See him perfectly present. I can’t make myself want his actions so I won’t get used to it and be so desperate to “want” him with me. There comes his ride, seeing the light means goodbye (for that instance). We started looking for my ride; it’s very hard actually, to be the one leaving. For the last time, he held my hand and I did not refuse. I pretended I was focusing on looking for an empty taxi. Here comes one, still pretending to focus. I heard him say “goodbye” and I hated it so I avoided the word by asking the driver if he can keep up to Avelino (my place). I was planning not to kiss him but really, the verb I can’t resist. He pulled me to his lips and then I immediately let go. I was all “don’t look back, don’t look back” but I did. I saw him wave and again I hated that.

I can’t smile, not for the reason that going home might not be the best idea or for the fact that I’m not seeing him again for the longest time. I was being selfish. I just hate missing someone so bad for that makes me sad, really sad. And that could actually cause some craziness in me when I want someone so bad (hahaha).

I’m home, and then came the battle (as I want to call it). And since I knew the words people were throwing and for the fact that I can’t talk back to them because that would be disrespectful, I wasn’t paying much attention. I was frowning, not because people were mad, I was thinking of him. And so craziness started (hahaha). I anticipated opening my laptop but I was disappointed because someone’s using the net connection.

Right now, I’m typing, just typing. Then blog this when I have the chance to go online. But uhh, I miss him already. That’s the only sense of this. I really miss him already. :((