2011

Too much drama, I can’t even blog it myself.

I’m serious about the whole New Year’s resolution thing. And I’m starting it now. I’ll still have this blog activated. This is after all my diary.

Last active post. HAIT!

Curiosity suicide

At times I feel like I’m restricted to many things. The other night I tried drinking and that was pure curiosity but it seemed like I knew there was something else. I need someone, apparently it’s not him anymore.

- RJ

Wag ka nang umiyak sa mundong pabago-bago
Pag-ibig ko ay totoo
Ako ang bangka
Kung magalit man ang alon at panahon
Sabay tayong aahon


Kung wala ka ng maintindihan
Kung wala ka ng makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan

Wag ka nang umiyak mahaba man ang araw
Uuwi ka sa yakap ko
Wag mo nang damdamin
Kung wala ako sa iyong tabi
Iiwan ko ang puso ko sayo
At kung pakiramdaman mo'y
Wala ka ng kakampi
Isipin mo ako dahil
Puso't isip ko'y nasa iyong tabi

Kung wala ka nang maintindihan
Kung wala ka nang makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan
Hindi kita paba-bayaan (di kita paba-bayaan)
Kapit ka... kumapit ka...

Wag ka nang umiyak sa mundong pabago-bago

Pag-ibig ko ay totoo
Ako ang bangka
Kung magalit man ang alon at panahon
Sabay tayong aahon


Kung wala ka ng maintindihan
Kung wala ka ng makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan

Wag ka nang umiyak mahaba man ang araw
Uuwi ka sa yakap ko
Wag mo nang damdamin
Kung wala ako sa iyong tabi
Iiwan ko ang puso ko sayo
At kung pakiramdaman mo'y
Wala ka ng kakampi
Isipin mo ako dahil
Puso't isip ko'y nasa iyong tabi

Kung wala ka nang maintindihan
Kung wala ka nang makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin (kapit ka sa akin)
Hindi kita bibitawan
Hindi kita paba-bayaan (di kita paba-bayaan)
Kapit ka... kumapit ka...

I can never be against God's will

I'm on process of accepting it.

The Bar

I had this gathering with my high school friends today which caused me to miss the Christmas party at my church. Ugh. Well all’s fine because I enjoyed it.

And it’s like my first time also to drink, well not like shots and stuffs. We did “Lasing Bobo” and I participated well because I lost like 4 times so I had the Bar 4 times as well :)). Yeah that was my first time. The thing is, am I getting prettier or guys just make me feel like it? I had this high school love affair. Well we’ve never been a real couple but there was something. He was quite surprised and concerned about me drinking because he knows I don’t, I never did. That gave me a bit of the red cheek. I felt like I like him again or something.

When we left, I was separated with the girls because they weren’t that conscious with the time so I had the guys with me and I tell you, it is that faaaaaaaar. I mean, like walking from bakakeng to main campus and no exaggeration! So I was with them and we hitched except that I was in a fancier car. I was with him and the guys and he intentionally helped me out with the gifts and sat beside me on our way to town. (yes, the hitching didn’t reach the town so it’s that far). We were having a good time. They, him in particular, asked me a couple of questions, including me and my Jake. I didn’t like the fact that because I was with Mel and I’m letting him show off something familiar from the past, that I was cheating over my Jake. No. that’ll be bad and I don’t lke it either. I stayed silent and smiled like we were fine. I saw the look in his eyes and I saw a little hope and he then asked me “Maguunli ka ba mamaya?”. I ignored that though. They asked me about debut, I know he was expecting me to make him a part of my 18 dances but they laughed when I told them I wanted a Mcdo Debut.

I changed the topic and asked him about his church life, he said it’s not like it was before. And then he went back to the Jake question. I told him, “Ewan ko, ok ata kami except that lilipat na siya ng school sa Pampanga”. Cam in joshua with “Panu ba yan, iiwan ka na niya”. That stopped me and they then started teasing me with “Uyyyy bitter! Masisingle-an na naman si Jully”. That’s when I stopped talking.

By this time, he’s texting me and I’m ignoring him. I don’t want Mel to expect that because my boyfriend’s leaving me, doesn’t mean there’s gonna be us.

That bothers me though. I can’t stop God’s will. Jake will indeed leave me hanging here alone. Traum…

Timothy

There’s this dude, he was my classmate before and he’s I think making the moves. I do remember having a crush on him before I was officially in love with my Jake. And now that we’re about to get off, this dude then comes in. the thing is, I can’t be like as serious as I have been for Jake, I mean, I don’t even think I’d fall in love with someone else as I did for Jake. And lastly, I don’t see relationship as something my heart seeks for right now. But the thing is, this dude’s really hawt, apparently, I’m not that interested anymore sooo… SCRATCH :p

yeah, like I choose to be happy :)

Still...

I'm not in conclusion yet, but for now, i know i am still profoundly and irreversibly in love with my Jake.

Christmas Shopping :)

Presents. Presents. Presents. I feel like Santa today. My favorite day of the year is coming!!! I am really excited but my Christmas spirit is being spoiled a bit by my coming exams. But I won’t worry much. I know I won’t have the best results for this prelim so I guess I really have to start over next year.

Giving gifts is like my theme this year since I really love 2010. But the thing is I spent like a lot, I mean A LOT for Christmas shopping. I already did last week but it seemed not enough so we continued Christmas shopping earlier today. Here’s some of the list

• · For my mom, I spent 200+ for the blouses
• · My father, 200+ also for the polo (really huge, hope it fits him)
• · For April, 200 for the sandals
• · For Armel, 150 (exact) for the bag
• · For Alvin, 100 (the cheapest yet) for the CP case
• · For my SSG mom, 350 for the belt (she’d love that)
• · For my exchange gift thing, 200 for the jacket
• · And for my Jake, 550 for the bag (I’m still thinking about that shirt I’ll be painting so probably 800 for him, hope he’d put effort on his gift for me)
• 
  

So all in all, I spent more than 2k. I feel broke but I think those people would love such gifts. I’m not really expecting much from them (except for my mom and cousins), especially Jake. I mean, I don’t know. I just feel like spending a lot for him. Besides, I’m not sure if he’d like the bag, but I do, but it’s a guy thing.

Most of my gifts are from UK (you know) haha, I wanted all things to be branded and I thought I’d be having someone in the same gift if I was to buy in the mall. But just now I realized, I would have spent less if I have chosen the mall =))

Merry Christmas y’all.

Conversation e :)

JA (12/16/2010 2:59:07 PM): jkae

jake duque (12/16/2010 2:59:13 PM): hey wats up??

JA (12/16/2010 2:59:28 PM): i heard uuwi daw si dana

jake duque (12/16/2010 2:59:38 PM): yah januar daw

jake duque (12/16/2010 2:59:41 PM): january**

JA (12/16/2010 2:59:49 PM): bihin mu daan xa dito ha

JA (12/16/2010 2:59:56 PM): i wanna see him, sana with ate

jake duque (12/16/2010 2:59:56 PM): ahh yah xur

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:04 PM): ahhh rayt

JA (12/16/2010 3:00:28 PM): wat tym ka uuwi?

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:43 PM): after ng party cguro 9pm

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:46 PM): u can see me rught?|

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:52 PM): i mean for like the last time

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:00:53 PM): haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:00:55 PM): gusto mo hatid kita?

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:01:03 PM): ksama ko cla kuya im fine hehe

JA (12/16/2010 3:01:06 PM): pero maxado ata late un

JA (12/16/2010 3:01:13 PM): ok lang

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:01:26 PM): ahh join the party nlng

JA (12/16/2010 3:01:40 PM): christmas party din namin bukas sa roa e

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:01:55 PM): ahh okeii so ill just text u tomorow ne

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:02:01 PM): pabaunan mo narin ako ahaha

JA (12/16/2010 3:02:19 PM): hehe, broke ako dahil sa chrismas shopping

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:02:30 PM): ahh u have gift for me na\|

JA (12/16/2010 3:02:41 PM): oo

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:02:46 PM): ahh yey

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:02:56 PM): wat?ahh nevermind surprise nlng haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:03:06 PM): uhm oo, magagamit mu un

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:03:18 PM): liek what?

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:03:19 PM): haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:03:31 PM): youll know

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:03:44 PM): ahh yah like february ahaha

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:03:53 PM): ill sing your universe for u haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:04:17 PM): bkt un?

JA (12/16/2010 3:04:29 PM): tnx jake

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:05:11 PM): just i think its good for you

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:05:17 PM): the message of the song

JA (12/16/2010 3:05:34 PM): salamat

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:05:44 PM): walang anuman hehe

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:07:35 PM): hey ill c u tomorow ha

JA (12/16/2010 3:07:47 PM): behave jake huh hehe

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:08:02 PM): haha u know i will

JA (12/16/2010 3:08:12 PM): i trust you then

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:08:23 PM): tnx jully!

JA (12/16/2010 3:08:43 PM): wow u spelled them all

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:09:01 PM): yah atleast i spelled itright diba haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:09:11 PM): a ya

JA (12/16/2010 3:09:41 PM): jake what tym tomorrow?

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:10:07 PM): ill be in baguio before 6 pa ill text u kay ate tin ha just keep in touch ne haha

JA (12/16/2010 3:10:37 PM): may exam ako nun e. mga 6.30 pa nga ako makapnta ng church

JA (12/16/2010 3:10:45 PM): d ko alam what tym matapos party namin

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:10:51 PM): yah its ok lng naman hehe

JA (12/16/2010 3:10:53 PM): plus ihatid ko pa mga anak ko sa dorm nila

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:11:07 PM): waw then jsut keep in touch ne

JA (12/16/2010 3:11:23 PM): cge jake

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:11:43 PM): yah thats beter

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:15:12 PM): ill go na ja

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:15:18 PM): c u tomorow yeah tnx

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:15:21 PM): bbye

JA (12/16/2010 3:15:53 PM): cger jake bye

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:16:01 PM): ok bye

JA (12/16/2010 3:16:09 PM): love you

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:16:15 PM): hugs and kisses from me i loveyou too

jake duque (12/16/2010 3:16:19 PM): bye

Never Lose the CHRISTmas spirit

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

I am actually weirded out more than others do. I came in Litt earlier than the teacher (I tell you, that’s way beyond my usual thing haha!). My smile reflected on everyone’s mind and they we’re like “JA abot hangang 10^th floor ngiti natin ah”. Others were even joking me “Ano ulit sa Philo yung smiling involuntarily?!” Haha I didn’t care much but I am happy for such lovely Christmas songs :D

So I had this headache for sleeping when I got home early this afternoon. Men, it hurts. And then I heard fireworks and children’s voices. I suddenly felt this morning’s Christmas spirit again.

I am happy. And I chose to be one. I envy most of them though. Today’s their last day in school. My mom’s enjoying Christmas parties here and there. And I’m stuck with my exam. Ugh. But nevertheless, I still choose to be happy. I mean, it’s Christmas! :D

Reminiscing, I saw myself with Jazell one night when we were around 7 or 8? we were too excited in caroling that we did it just the two of us. At the end of that night, we had a fight over the distribution of the money we collected. Haha! I always thought was more of an accountant than he was haha. Well memories. I asked my Armel and April if they would like to experience caroling, I decided to let them along with Jazell’s siblings too. That would be fun. Hope they’d get to agree with me with that one.

No Jake drama today, though he’s leaving tomorrow. i just have to stop thinking about him, which I think is uhm, impossible. But who says that? Men, I miss him. I hate it when I have to face that fact that he’s soon gonna see someone else. I was even imagining myself getting dumped by him over some other girl. But I don’t know. I don’t want to miss this Christmas spirit.

I feel like a little girl, and I love the way I anticipate on Christmas. Despite all my drama, I can always choose happiness over some thoughts.

I do love Christmas

10-min goodbye

The Lord never gives me something I can’t handle.

It may be cliché but I felt that today. The Lord is shaping me and until now, I’m still in such a starter level. I still find it hard for me to lead me heart, but I’m really trying and holding on to that.

Last night was a tough night with me and my mom. We had this fight and I do admit that it was my entire fault. I kept on crying for the cutting words they uttered. I couldn’t help but to get livid at my parents, but then, my friend, Charmain texted me. She, I think, is in the same situation. She was asking me if she can stay with us this Christmas because she hated her parents that bad. I felt like the Lord talked to me or something. He reminded me of His love. I continued crying not because of their continuous words, but I just had to pour it all out to Jesus. In my playlist was “By Your Side”. That’s when I can’t stop crying.

This morning was like a continuation of last night’s clash. I kept myself strong for I knew I was going to face another drama.

Jake

He’s been in my mind for the past few days. Today was the last day I saw him for this year. This year actually had been one of the best years of my life and I’d say he was one of the reasons. Sad that it didn’t end quite the way it did last year.

It was far from drama. We met in like, less than 10 minutes? I knew I should have asked him if he had classes later after we met but I was scared of being rejected again. I just let it all pass. I would regret but I thought, there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’m still sticking on my plan of separating myself from him for a while, maybe until my birthday. But I don’t know. This doesn’t make sense anymore.

Anyway, I’m good with my family now. It’s just him that bothers me. What would happen next to us?

crush

It's really true when you're crushing on someone, you feel like he's staring back at you :))

Genesis :)

Last thing I heard, “It’s not about me”. I know it will never be about me. I am becoming selfless every time I grow in Him. I consider that as the best thing that could ever happen to me. I love the fact that I am indeed in a process of having this intimate relationship with Him. I love the actuality that His love is changing me.

But one thing I’ve learned, as I become a new person, I must never go back to my old self and wish I was that person again. I do. I love who I am now. And being in the state of devoutness, the Lord keeps me strong.

I am keeping myself from most of the social means in forty days. In the Bible, people like Moses, David, Elijah and even Jesus was given forty days. I believe I also have to make use of those forty days of my life in more for my self-discovery, moreover, my search of myself as God’s daughter. I don’t mull over this as identity crisis, but it is so much more than that. I don’t want to change; rather, I want to be changed.

Keeping me away from my Jake can be really hard. It doesn’t affect me much really but the holiday couple spirit thing usually hits me up and gives me the conscience saying, “He would love it more if you were there to remind him that you still love him that much despite this new Faith thing”.

I pray that he will understand. I kept myself waiting, I thought. I miss him though but I know I would keep myself from loving Jesus more than I do for him if I would just leave him for a while. I still pray he’d wait. I know my heart and now I’m leading it. Even more, I pray that he too would see us as an opportunity and a blessing given by the Father for us to grow more spiritually. I do believe that the moment I texted him, the moment we saw each other the day he transferred from his place to mine, it was all planned by the Lord. Of course as an opportunity, the purpose though is not for me to state but I believe and trust in God’s will.

This blog will reflect some of my insights in this journey. The secular world is still very demanding but I can never give up my time with the Lord. I cannot commit myself to this blog though. But this entry is a start. Well, for all the readers (if there were) hope you guys could also reflect with my thoughts, objection is accepted, I consider that as correction