Trust Issues

At first his disciples did not understand all this. Only after Jesus was glorified did they realize that these things had been written about him and that these things had been done to him.

-      John 12:16

You are not expected to understand everything that happens in your life at an instant. Jesus’ disciples thought Jesus was so mysterious that everything He said was a mystery but had deep meanings to it. But apart from that odd thought, they chose to believe Him and follow Him.

This may sound cliché but it’s part of the truth and it’s also part of the very understanding of God’s Grace. Life isn’t fair. But God is. There are things that happen in our life that we truly do not understand. Some things happen beyond our understanding or somehow unexpected, such things which seems to never been a part of our lives. In my instance, I failed my board exam. All throughout my 5-year college life, I always thought I’d nail it. I even dream on topping it. But I ended up failing. Now, God has put me in a foreign land to me. I always hated the idea of living here. But here I am now leaving my family, church, friends behind and facing something I am never sure would be the outcome. I admit that life here isn’t easy. I am expected to exert more effort in all things I did in Baguio. I know I can live independently, but the fact that I am never sure of my own plans in my stay here makes it even more difficult.

Yesterday, God revealed to me His purpose of my stay here. I will know Him better and experience Him in a different way. God wanted me to see a different side of His grace and I can never be thankful of this opportunity. But on the other hand, not knowing concrete plans can be very vexing. But God never fails on giving comfort.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

-      John 14:1-3

Trust in God. It’s so easy to say. But what if your salary comes in short for your daily needs? What if your family back at home needs your support? What about those nights when you’re alone and just really want you friends to be there? What about your ministry in God? How are you supposed to serve Him in a foreign land where you are very much restricted?

        Practically, living independently can be very difficult. But just imagine life in the perspectives of Jesus’ disciples. They all had their own jobs, own family and own business before deciding to do God’s ministry. I’m not saying you do the same, leave school, leave work and just stay in church forever. No. God wants you to live out His glory. Show the world how His grace changed your life so that He can change others who see that as well.

        Evangelism isn’t always about doing cells or reporting every week the people you met or even setting quotas of how many people you will bring to church this week. The main goal of evangelism is showing off God’s glory. Thus, behind all these practical questions in life, you can then say that regardless of all these limitations, you have to serve God through your life.

Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going.

-      John 12:35

Where do I go now?

I’ve been constantly arguing with myself of my plans in life. How do get to align myself with God’s vision? How do I fix my eyes on Him? I’m not very sure if God has concretely answered that. But I’m pretty sure He talked to me on His word.

Put mud on your vision

“How then were your eyes opened?” they demanded. He replied, “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed. And then I could see.”

-John 9:10

                I am very sure I had my encounter with God in Baguio. I know the vision. I was doing the vision. I may not be the perfect leader in my church. I may not be the best spiritual mother my spiritual daughters could’ve had, but I know I was caught by the vision. Or was I?

                My pastor once said, “Being caught by the vision and catching the vision has a big difference”. It is very possible that I was doing the vision that I caught myself but didn’t catch me. I love God but I lacked love for people, thus I don’t love God enough. I had great encounters with the Lord back in Baguio, but now I believe the Lord has placed me in such a position that I needed to see the vision in a different way.

                Thus, I am blind.

I.                    How then were your eyes opened?

How do I find a clearer path to God’s vision in my life?

II.                  The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes.

You need to see a clearer view of why you weren’t caught by the vision in Baguio. You need to see how incomplete you are. You need to see all your imperfections. You need to see all the wrong things you did. You need to acknowledge all your compromises. You need to see all the things in this world that hindered you to see God in His most glorious appearance.

III.                He told me to go to Siloam and wash

You need to go out of your comfort zone and let God lead you to the way where you can wash off all these hindrances that keeps you from serving God the way you’re supposed to. Thus, Manila is not an accident.

IV.                So I went and washed. And then I could see.

I am now on my first month in my stay here in Manila and I’ve never been soi sure of going here. My heart is for Baguio but for God to truly conquer my heart, I need to leave that place for a while till I get to experience more of Hos glory in this foreign land. I need to wash off all the things that are not for me and see the true image of the Lord.

So what do you do now?

Now the day on which Jesus had made the mud and opened the man’s eyes was a Sabbath.

-John 9:14

                Pastor Carlo preached about honoring your church last Sunday. I remember him saying, “You honor your church by protecting what you love. Thus we need to protect the church by protecting our testimonies.” I left Baguio for the exact reason of failing something I thought I already had. I know God planned that for me to be here for such a great purpose which I now understand. Coming to Manila means becoming the better me which happens to include making a professional Christian out of me. I always told myself that in all the works of my hands, I will glorify the name of the Lord. That includes my profession. I am going back to Baguio with a better version of me. I may leave my friends, my family, my daughters, even my pastors there but I know in the end, everything’s gonna be alright. I trust Him. (LOL, I just realized I was out of the topic.

                Technically, I will focus on the CPA me here first, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to have a mild commitment with God. In fact, this is a bigger challenge. I will commit my Sundays for Him. I do not know my schedule yet in my weekend class but I will not miss a service because God has already given me His word. He will give me His answer as to my span of time here in this town on the Sabbath.

I am the good Shepherd; I know my shepherd and my sheep know me.

-John 10:14

Considerations, considerations

He looked me in the eyes. He said I was lonely. I felt it was awkward to laugh. I begun to have that kind of rush. This is so not happening. Then, “What if kaya kong baguhin emotions ng mata mo? What if I can do better pala? I-coconsider mo ba ako para palitan siya?”

I am so over boys. I know I am. I am sure when Jake and I won’t work, I’d never let anyone work on me with a relationship till I reach what I want. I am very certain of that. So what made me think too much on this for days? I’m not even sure myself.

I never thought I’d be friends with Fin. Melanie knew I have this highschool crush on him but it’s far from the boarding line. I am very serious about my relationship with Jake. I was never pretty enough to be someone’s girl friend, someone like him at least. He’s that perfect guy type (except when he won his title, guys joining pageants always turn me off), but why me?

That I presumed myself, that guys like girls who are very fragile. They want girls when they know they can take care of her. Guys like girls when they’re naturally funny and quite smart enough to joke with. They like girls who are unusual in a way that they’re pretty, simple and unique. So maybe that can be me. Such characteristics Jake never really noticed, or if he did, never really liked about me. Sometimes I feel like he’s in love with me only for the sake of compliance, but whatever, he’s mine.

In summary, Fin likes me. What makes this an issue? I wouldn’t really consider taking a chance on him. He’s too much for me and I don’t deserve someone like him knowing my deepest darkest secret with Jake.

Well…

It’s not Fin, maybe it’s not Jake either. It’s all on me.

I’m unreasonably wary about Jake, that sooner or later, maybe after a few months after our 2^nd anniversary, he’ll find someone in the internet, or elsewhere, and cheat on me again. I can’t let go of the past knowing how much it hurts. These past few days he’s been trying to convince me that he loves me so much and that he’ll never leave me blah blah. On my part, I believe he loves me now, I just can’t be so convinced if how long that’ll last, I mean, those were the same things he told me before he cheated on me. We even had our best days together (as I think we did) during his pre-cheating acts (when I discovered he made a video for the Korean girl, I knew he was pursuing her already and those times, we were enjoying Panagbenga together, I even slept in his house). So my point is, that time I thought we had the perfect relationship, still he had his other plans on other girls, what difference would it make now?

Right that was really long, well, bottom line; I really can’t trust him that much.

Fin on the other hand gives me reasons to consider breaking up with Jake, well not because I want Fin, because I can’t be hurt again. Those nights were the worst nights of my life and I can’t let that happen again. But I still can’t let go of Jake.

Before the August 10, I’m really fighting with myself about that. Fin contributed a lot with these ideas.

If I were to focus on my studies, I know I should break up with him if I am certain that he’ll hurt me again and eventually its gonna be hard for to move on which takes me to bad grades.

And if I were to let my heart rule, of course I’d stay with Jake.

For days, I tried weighing these options until august 10…

Jake made a video for me. I have to be honest I was really on a cloud nine watching it. I thought, was it obvious that I’m considering ending the relationship? Because he’s seriously trying to make me feel loved, which I am.

So I decided, I’m cutting my connections with Fin. I’m staying with Jake and when that time comes, when he’ll be his self again, I’d kill my self

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Of course I was kidding. Things will happen as they come by. Just now I realized I am a Christian. Whatever happens, God’s plan is good for me. If he cheats on me again, or hurts me on any kind of his Jake-ish actions, God knows who’s fault it will be, and that great things are waiting for me as a single person : D

Besides, being a single CPA would make me really rich, and guys are not that hard to find.

But if that happens… Jake wouldn’t be a part of my life.

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I still hope that doesn’t happen because as for now, Jake is my future. I want him to be.

AFTER COLLEGE

“Magiging CPA din kayo, hindi nga lang natin alam kung kelan”

This statement gave the whole class a big laugh, but I thought of something else. My future.

These past few weeks I’ve been encouraged too much about being able to graduate and pass the board exam. Planning is actually a bit easier than reality. Here it goes…

I graduate BS Accountancy exactly 3 years from now. I enroll in either CPAR in Manila or I’d rather stay in Baguio for ACE. But I think the second one’s more probable. After 5 months of review, on October of the year I graduate I will be taking the exams and pass it already by Faith. Then, I find a stable job. It will take me maybe 3 years to look for one but I prefer working for the government and stay in Baguio. If I don’t get myself “ringed” to a husband before the age of 26, I’ll continue on law and be a lawyer of course for the sake of bringing honors for the family. And then I die.

Of course attached to that will be my ministry for the Lord. I dream of winning the government officials of Baguio to Christ. I always imagined myself with a title and being able to speak to God’s people for His glory.

Easy as I read it, I know there are more revisions to this compared when I publish it. One day I’ll be reading this, successful or not, I’ll be asking myself, how naïve can I be at that age?

With the love I feel for my current boyfriend Jake, I can’t continue on with my future without him in my list of plans. As Jully, Jacob’s girlfriend, of course I’ll scratch the lawyer dream, the not-leaving-Baguio part and being a pastor’s wife, I’d also scratch the government part.

So then I thought, Jake would be the only reason of me holding back. But no. I know it’s not him.

Living in my world means survival of expectations. I want to be a lawyer to bring honor to my family. I want to be a CPA to help my mother to provide for the family.

But the truth is…

I don’t want much success. I want happiness. And that is to live an average life, to see my mother and my father happy living together and not working, to see my siblings finish their studies, to have my own baby and to live a life of serving the Lord.

I want nothing else but these, which leads me to my goal. So to summarize:

VISION: to be able to live a life of happiness according to what my heart defines it to be

Mission: to be able to serve the Lord in accomplishing my goals