Tomorrow, the Pessimist me

Tomorrow, I’m gonna see the results of my hardships on my studies

I’ve been letting others see how stressed I am in school well in fact, it is only partly true. I’m having a hard time on time management and focus. If only I knew how to keep myself on the book, I would have finished reviewing only in a few hours. Things, I mean, a lot of things have been bugging me.

Tomorrow, I might quit on what I think is my ministry in church

My doubts have been a meter which is going up each day. I truly believe that I need God and of course my heart will never deny that I love Him, but the system of religion has been giving me the question marks which make me more unconvinced of it.

Tomorrow, I’m not having that Cum Laude average anymore

I’ve been much generalized on my perceptions on grades. Laziness is an independent factor while my attitude of negative humility is the dependent one. I don’t want many compliments as I don’t want people to see me in such image. All I want now is to pass and have an AVERAGE life.

Tomorrow, I’ll live without Jake

Well, technically, now, I do. But sooner, we’re breaking up. He’ll get tired of me soon, admitting to himself that he doesn’t really like me. He’ll see someone else who can satisfy his emotional and intensive relational needs.

Tomorrow, I’ll never stop crying till I finally get it right

As for now, I’m still living on my perception of getting over Jake. Of course I’d always believe that I’ll never get over him when I lose him. For months, I will cry like I can never stop. He’ll be out there, searching for other girls and expose how in love he is. We can never be friends, I am sure of this. But then, after a few months of tired eyes, excessive use of tissue, failing grades, stupid love songs, heart break blog posts, friends’ cliché advices and bitterness on couples, my eyes will then be open for the many fishes in the sea. Those fishes that I once let go and might come back, even those fishes that kept on coming and insisting their ways to me. I’ll get over soon, just not sure how long the “soon” will be.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna be so different

When all these things happen, I’m gonna change and that’s for sure. I’ll be a stereotype. Weak with faith, without Jake but with some other guy whom I have to adjust with (except of course if I’ll still be with Ralph), no art, no music, same friends, probably with the license though and my new view of happiness found somewhere I don’t know.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna die

I’m guessing because of my Type 1 Diabetes or a car accident or in water, or suicide. I’m gonna have a family either with Benj, and we’ll live same here in Baguio, or with Ralph and I’ll be really rich in US, or any accountant/engineer/lawyer/doctor (since I see studious guy really Hawt LOL). We’ll have children, I’m not gonna be the best wife but I’ll be faithful. At an old age, I’ll quit practice and return to church. Then sometime later, I’m gonna die…

Well, if it does happen. I’m sure my life’s gonna be really miserable. Especially the part when I lose my faith. I still don’t believe in profession and I highly believe in salvation. Added to that, I still want to marry a pastor or a pastor’s son, just to be sure that I’m on track with God even when the worldly things keep on pulling me out. But things are gonna happen and most of them I can never control. I can’t control Jake’s feelings as I can’t control fate. God’s Will should always prevail. But I believe that success has always been a part of His plans for me. I just pray that even when I change perceptions, I’d never lose my grip on life as it should be. FAITH.

AFTER COLLEGE

“Magiging CPA din kayo, hindi nga lang natin alam kung kelan”

This statement gave the whole class a big laugh, but I thought of something else. My future.

These past few weeks I’ve been encouraged too much about being able to graduate and pass the board exam. Planning is actually a bit easier than reality. Here it goes…

I graduate BS Accountancy exactly 3 years from now. I enroll in either CPAR in Manila or I’d rather stay in Baguio for ACE. But I think the second one’s more probable. After 5 months of review, on October of the year I graduate I will be taking the exams and pass it already by Faith. Then, I find a stable job. It will take me maybe 3 years to look for one but I prefer working for the government and stay in Baguio. If I don’t get myself “ringed” to a husband before the age of 26, I’ll continue on law and be a lawyer of course for the sake of bringing honors for the family. And then I die.

Of course attached to that will be my ministry for the Lord. I dream of winning the government officials of Baguio to Christ. I always imagined myself with a title and being able to speak to God’s people for His glory.

Easy as I read it, I know there are more revisions to this compared when I publish it. One day I’ll be reading this, successful or not, I’ll be asking myself, how naïve can I be at that age?

With the love I feel for my current boyfriend Jake, I can’t continue on with my future without him in my list of plans. As Jully, Jacob’s girlfriend, of course I’ll scratch the lawyer dream, the not-leaving-Baguio part and being a pastor’s wife, I’d also scratch the government part.

So then I thought, Jake would be the only reason of me holding back. But no. I know it’s not him.

Living in my world means survival of expectations. I want to be a lawyer to bring honor to my family. I want to be a CPA to help my mother to provide for the family.

But the truth is…

I don’t want much success. I want happiness. And that is to live an average life, to see my mother and my father happy living together and not working, to see my siblings finish their studies, to have my own baby and to live a life of serving the Lord.

I want nothing else but these, which leads me to my goal. So to summarize:

VISION: to be able to live a life of happiness according to what my heart defines it to be

Mission: to be able to serve the Lord in accomplishing my goals