Trust Issues

At first his disciples did not understand all this. Only after Jesus was glorified did they realize that these things had been written about him and that these things had been done to him.

-      John 12:16

You are not expected to understand everything that happens in your life at an instant. Jesus’ disciples thought Jesus was so mysterious that everything He said was a mystery but had deep meanings to it. But apart from that odd thought, they chose to believe Him and follow Him.

This may sound cliché but it’s part of the truth and it’s also part of the very understanding of God’s Grace. Life isn’t fair. But God is. There are things that happen in our life that we truly do not understand. Some things happen beyond our understanding or somehow unexpected, such things which seems to never been a part of our lives. In my instance, I failed my board exam. All throughout my 5-year college life, I always thought I’d nail it. I even dream on topping it. But I ended up failing. Now, God has put me in a foreign land to me. I always hated the idea of living here. But here I am now leaving my family, church, friends behind and facing something I am never sure would be the outcome. I admit that life here isn’t easy. I am expected to exert more effort in all things I did in Baguio. I know I can live independently, but the fact that I am never sure of my own plans in my stay here makes it even more difficult.

Yesterday, God revealed to me His purpose of my stay here. I will know Him better and experience Him in a different way. God wanted me to see a different side of His grace and I can never be thankful of this opportunity. But on the other hand, not knowing concrete plans can be very vexing. But God never fails on giving comfort.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

-      John 14:1-3

Trust in God. It’s so easy to say. But what if your salary comes in short for your daily needs? What if your family back at home needs your support? What about those nights when you’re alone and just really want you friends to be there? What about your ministry in God? How are you supposed to serve Him in a foreign land where you are very much restricted?

        Practically, living independently can be very difficult. But just imagine life in the perspectives of Jesus’ disciples. They all had their own jobs, own family and own business before deciding to do God’s ministry. I’m not saying you do the same, leave school, leave work and just stay in church forever. No. God wants you to live out His glory. Show the world how His grace changed your life so that He can change others who see that as well.

        Evangelism isn’t always about doing cells or reporting every week the people you met or even setting quotas of how many people you will bring to church this week. The main goal of evangelism is showing off God’s glory. Thus, behind all these practical questions in life, you can then say that regardless of all these limitations, you have to serve God through your life.

Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going.

-      John 12:35

Where do I go now?

I’ve been constantly arguing with myself of my plans in life. How do get to align myself with God’s vision? How do I fix my eyes on Him? I’m not very sure if God has concretely answered that. But I’m pretty sure He talked to me on His word.

Put mud on your vision

“How then were your eyes opened?” they demanded. He replied, “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed. And then I could see.”

-John 9:10

                I am very sure I had my encounter with God in Baguio. I know the vision. I was doing the vision. I may not be the perfect leader in my church. I may not be the best spiritual mother my spiritual daughters could’ve had, but I know I was caught by the vision. Or was I?

                My pastor once said, “Being caught by the vision and catching the vision has a big difference”. It is very possible that I was doing the vision that I caught myself but didn’t catch me. I love God but I lacked love for people, thus I don’t love God enough. I had great encounters with the Lord back in Baguio, but now I believe the Lord has placed me in such a position that I needed to see the vision in a different way.

                Thus, I am blind.

I.                    How then were your eyes opened?

How do I find a clearer path to God’s vision in my life?

II.                  The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes.

You need to see a clearer view of why you weren’t caught by the vision in Baguio. You need to see how incomplete you are. You need to see all your imperfections. You need to see all the wrong things you did. You need to acknowledge all your compromises. You need to see all the things in this world that hindered you to see God in His most glorious appearance.

III.                He told me to go to Siloam and wash

You need to go out of your comfort zone and let God lead you to the way where you can wash off all these hindrances that keeps you from serving God the way you’re supposed to. Thus, Manila is not an accident.

IV.                So I went and washed. And then I could see.

I am now on my first month in my stay here in Manila and I’ve never been soi sure of going here. My heart is for Baguio but for God to truly conquer my heart, I need to leave that place for a while till I get to experience more of Hos glory in this foreign land. I need to wash off all the things that are not for me and see the true image of the Lord.

So what do you do now?

Now the day on which Jesus had made the mud and opened the man’s eyes was a Sabbath.

-John 9:14

                Pastor Carlo preached about honoring your church last Sunday. I remember him saying, “You honor your church by protecting what you love. Thus we need to protect the church by protecting our testimonies.” I left Baguio for the exact reason of failing something I thought I already had. I know God planned that for me to be here for such a great purpose which I now understand. Coming to Manila means becoming the better me which happens to include making a professional Christian out of me. I always told myself that in all the works of my hands, I will glorify the name of the Lord. That includes my profession. I am going back to Baguio with a better version of me. I may leave my friends, my family, my daughters, even my pastors there but I know in the end, everything’s gonna be alright. I trust Him. (LOL, I just realized I was out of the topic.

                Technically, I will focus on the CPA me here first, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to have a mild commitment with God. In fact, this is a bigger challenge. I will commit my Sundays for Him. I do not know my schedule yet in my weekend class but I will not miss a service because God has already given me His word. He will give me His answer as to my span of time here in this town on the Sabbath.

I am the good Shepherd; I know my shepherd and my sheep know me.

-John 10:14

Day 22: Deuteronomy 19-28

Distraction of the Now

However, in the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance do not leave alive anything that breathes.

-          Deut 20:16

I remember reading the same verses in the last 90 days of challenge and most of the highlight parts are from chapter 28 which talks about all the blessings and the opposite curses of each promise. But today the lord has shown me the root cause of disobedience, which is, the past.

                In the word the Lord was very particular about every nations that the Israelites were suppose to bring down on their way to possessing the whole land. He commanded them to kill anything that stands their way. Come to think of it, the thing from our past is the things that we should not just leave behind but for us to kill.

I remember the movie The Incredibles saying “The past distracts from the now”.  Our old self can be a distraction and a start of rebellion because if we truly are submitting to God, it has to be easy for us to submit to his laws and His leaders which He has assigned to us. Therefore I conclude that disobedience comes from our old self.

However, you may cut down trees that you know are not fruit trees and use them to build siege works until the city at war with you falls.

-          Deut 20:20

Nevertheless, we also need to understand that as we kill our past and all the distractions that will come our way, we don’t run away from it. There is a big difference between running away from it and killing it. Remember that it is through our experiences that we make our testimony out of.

Warning:

They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard.” Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and will be afraid.

-          Deut 21:20-21

Day 21: Deuteronomy 9-18

The Responsibility of Power

Understand then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are stiff-necked people.

-          Deuteronomy 9:6

To be called as Children of the Lord is a great privilege that comes with Royalty because He is after all the King of kings. But as what it was said in Spiderman, “Great power comes with great responsibility”. As leaders, we are not simply leading people but we are guidance to them. In fact we are only to be used by the Lord. Humility has to be evident to us when we know our real purpose.

1.     Servitude to God

Fear the Lord your God and serve Him. Hold fast to Him and take oaths in His name.

-          Deuteronomy 10:20

2.     Obedience comes with strength

Observe therefore all the commands I am giving you today, so that you may have the strength to go in and take over the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess.

-          Deuteronomy 11:8

3.     Set Priorities Straight

Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them.

-          Deuteronomy 11:16

4.     Kingdom Leadership not worldly sovereignty

The king, moreover, must not acquire great numbers of horses for himself or make the people return to Egypt to get more of them, for the Lord has told you, “You are not to go back that way again.”

-          Deuteronomy 17:16

5.     Wisdom seeker in the Word

It is to be with him, and he is to read it all the days of his life so that he may learn to revere the Lord his God and follow carefully all the words of this law and these decrees.

-          Deuteronomy 17:19

Day 20: Deuteronomy 1-8

“You have stayed long enough at this mountain. Break camp and advance into the hill country of the Amorites…”

-          Deuteronomy 1:6

It amazes me how much the Lord patiently gives us more and more opportunities to advance and grow spiritually. Truly the Lord has given us a fresh start from the beginning. He wanted to protect and bless us even in this world. But His grace doesn’t stop there. He wants each and every believer to advance and win this world over.

Level 1: The Mountain

                After the 40 years that the Israelites has been wondering around the desert and finally landing in the Mountain of Horeb, the Lord finally let them advance.

                Sometimes as Christians, we get to the point when we stay too long enough in one stage in our life that we became stagnant and thus we get bored of our life in Christ when in fact, living a life in Christ is more than exciting every day.

                This can be very complicated at times because the longer we stay in this mountain, the more we get comfortable, thus, driving then excitement and passion away. Thus, we get into level 2 J

Level 2: Break Camp

                Then we leave our comfort zone after the staggering boredom from that mountain. As a cell leader for more than 5 years now, I have stayed long enough in the mountain that now that I am handling more and more emerging leaders in my cell, I am feeling the challenge. My lifestyle in Christ is getting better because of the push of responsibility and the motivation of God’s victory.

Level 3: The Hill Country

                The stage of battle. Here’s the logic here. The Israelites took the chance to leave the mountain and thus leaving their comfort zone to advance with the knowledge that they will be fighting to conquest. Same as to this vision, I could have just stayed into becoming a church attender or just really a believer of Christ. But knowing God and loving Him more at the same time requires more to my title as a Christian. I need to be a disciple and a discipler. Thus, I need to enter into a battle not just for myself this time but for my cell, for my family, for my city and for my country.

Warning:

But the Lord said to me, “Tell them, ‘Do not go up and fight, because I will not be with you. You will be defeated by your enemies.’”.

-          Deuteronomy 1:42

In all our actions, God’s commands must prevail. We cannot move according to our own will and preferences because our own decisions can be very dangerous that can lead us towards our own fall.

Promise:

See, I have given you this land. Go in and take possession of the land that the Lord swore he would give to your fathers – to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob – and to their descendants after them.

-          Deuteronomy 1:8

Day 19: Numbers 30-36

Dream like a 10-year-old

If we have found favor in your eyes,” they said, “let this land be given to your servants as our possession. Do not make us cross the Jordan.

-          Numbers 32:5

When we were in elementary, we were asked “What do you want to be when you grow up”. My answer to that evolved over the years. First I wanted to be:

a teacher,

then a singer,

a dancer,

an astronaut,

a writer,

a theater artist,

a theater director,

a traveler,

a chef,

the President of the Philippines,

the Chief Justice,

the Mayor of Baguio,

a Senator,

the Commissioner for COA,

the Dean of SABM,

a college professor,

a CPA lawyer,

and to be a CPA.

Of course I don’t plan on achieving all that (LOL). But if you can notice, my dreams change over time. First I was too general until I began dreaming bigger and more specific until, I became more specific. But another observation was, as I was becoming more specific, my dreams were diminishing. I wonder, if I became a CPA, what would be my next dream?

See, in our journey in life to success, we tend to land in a green pasture and we suddenly decide to stay there and not anticipate on a greener one.

Being a child of the Lord guarantees us that we can reach our dreams. We need to understand that sometimes, God puts us in a test where we can be too comfortable, where we can say that it is already enough. Nevertheless, we need to dream bigger than our present situation because God designed us to be the head and not the tail. Certainly, there is more to us than what we are now. We can’t settle for something we know is temporary.

The only key is, to stay in God’s side always.

Day 17: Numbers 14-21

Rebellion

COMMAND:

Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them.

-          Numbers 14:9

I always wondered how much it was applicable in the vision of how rebellion works. Am I rebelling when I don’t ask for my leader’s permission for some of my actions even when I’m not doing anything wrong? Nevertheless, I admit that sometimes I am very clumsy about my opinion when people around me talk about negative things about my leader when I know they’re actually right. It is somehow clear in the Bible that when Moses went against the will of the Lord (Numbers 20:1-13), he was automatically denied of the promise land. Will I be denied as well of my “promise land” upon recognizing my leader’s abuse of authority?

Nevertheless, tonight I know my stand. I can never go against my leader when it comes to the vision and to the ministry that the Lord has given me. On the other hand, because Nanay Sophe is very close to my heart, I should keep on praying for her to be strengthened and be justly anointed as my leader and a leader of my church with a right heart.

Also, I have to keep in mind the distinction of people around me with God. Leaders are leaders. They are being used by God. When things get confusing, I also pray and consult the Word. All the time, that is.

PROMISE:

The Lord said to Moses,” Do not be afraid of him, for I have handed him over to you, with his whole army and his land….”

-          Numbers 21:34

WARNING:

“Aaron will be gathered to his people. He will not enter the land I give the Israelites, because both of you rebelled against my command at the waters of Meribah.

-          Numbers 20:24

AFTER COLLEGE

“Magiging CPA din kayo, hindi nga lang natin alam kung kelan”

This statement gave the whole class a big laugh, but I thought of something else. My future.

These past few weeks I’ve been encouraged too much about being able to graduate and pass the board exam. Planning is actually a bit easier than reality. Here it goes…

I graduate BS Accountancy exactly 3 years from now. I enroll in either CPAR in Manila or I’d rather stay in Baguio for ACE. But I think the second one’s more probable. After 5 months of review, on October of the year I graduate I will be taking the exams and pass it already by Faith. Then, I find a stable job. It will take me maybe 3 years to look for one but I prefer working for the government and stay in Baguio. If I don’t get myself “ringed” to a husband before the age of 26, I’ll continue on law and be a lawyer of course for the sake of bringing honors for the family. And then I die.

Of course attached to that will be my ministry for the Lord. I dream of winning the government officials of Baguio to Christ. I always imagined myself with a title and being able to speak to God’s people for His glory.

Easy as I read it, I know there are more revisions to this compared when I publish it. One day I’ll be reading this, successful or not, I’ll be asking myself, how naïve can I be at that age?

With the love I feel for my current boyfriend Jake, I can’t continue on with my future without him in my list of plans. As Jully, Jacob’s girlfriend, of course I’ll scratch the lawyer dream, the not-leaving-Baguio part and being a pastor’s wife, I’d also scratch the government part.

So then I thought, Jake would be the only reason of me holding back. But no. I know it’s not him.

Living in my world means survival of expectations. I want to be a lawyer to bring honor to my family. I want to be a CPA to help my mother to provide for the family.

But the truth is…

I don’t want much success. I want happiness. And that is to live an average life, to see my mother and my father happy living together and not working, to see my siblings finish their studies, to have my own baby and to live a life of serving the Lord.

I want nothing else but these, which leads me to my goal. So to summarize:

VISION: to be able to live a life of happiness according to what my heart defines it to be

Mission: to be able to serve the Lord in accomplishing my goals