A Test of a Cell Group Leader

For two years of leading cell groups now, I still haven’t chosen my disciples. Reason for this is because; I’m usually the weather type of a leader. I get myself back in and in sometime I still manage to pull myself out of the fire.

A few months before, as I blogged about this, I seem to have a lot of questions that turned into doubts about the vision and the church. I’ve been stumbled down because of the human flaws I can see around me but all my questions were then answered by God Himself.

So I went back in, this time having a stronger grip on the Vision. I now see the worth of having to complete my 12 disciples which many may not understand yet. I now desire in my heart forming my own close cell group but my problem was my old members. As I left the Vision, I seem to have left them behind as well. I needed to start new cells to meet my goal.

I started winning high school students, by myself as a challenge, entering classrooms and sharing the gospel. I now have two open cells in BCNHS, one open cell in PSHS (my old cell group) and one mixed open cell as well. Because I knew I had that desire, in a month I already have 26 members all in all.

So I’m very happy that the Lord is really helping me with my goal

But today, I’ve been tested, big time!

We had our One-Day Ignite Retreat today in the center. Out of those 26 members, I expected 8 of them to attend. I prayed a lot for them. I even asked my Christian friends to pray for them as well. I woke up with the strong wind. When I arrived in the center, I’ve been told that we don’t have classes because our city’s signal leveled up to #3 so I thought that was a good sign. But no one came, not one in those 26 youths….

I decided to just attend the ignite myself but I’ve been very depressed. Constantly asking the Lord why? How can they have such little faith because of the typhoon?

A few times I considered quitting that I really can’t do this, that I’m a failure and all. But of course, the Holy Spirit would always help me on times like this. My friends helped a lot too.

I completely understood that the Lord is testing my patience and faith. I don’t have to expect my members to have established within themselves the loyalty they must have for me as their leader considering the fact that we only started our relationship last month. Then I truly discerned on God’s time and trusted on Him.

And in that point in time, I knew my biggest reason of depression is because of compromise. It is true that we have to obey our leaders but God knows I did my best on my cell members. I put a lot of prayer and sacrifice for them to know the Word but having not to convince them to attend either the Ignite Retreat or the Encounter God Retreat wouldn’t mean I failed in meeting God’s expectations. I know in my heart that I’m doing my best to please Him. People’s way of looking at things that I have not done must not turn me down. I just have to pray, pray and pray and stay faithful and fruitful and God will soon reward me of my efforts.

This vision, as the Lord has revealed is not for the church or for anyone but for Him alone, thus I must only consider whether I pleased Him or not.

God’s time is perfect, thus, I will depend on Him alone.

Tomorrow, the Pessimist me

Tomorrow, I’m gonna see the results of my hardships on my studies

I’ve been letting others see how stressed I am in school well in fact, it is only partly true. I’m having a hard time on time management and focus. If only I knew how to keep myself on the book, I would have finished reviewing only in a few hours. Things, I mean, a lot of things have been bugging me.

Tomorrow, I might quit on what I think is my ministry in church

My doubts have been a meter which is going up each day. I truly believe that I need God and of course my heart will never deny that I love Him, but the system of religion has been giving me the question marks which make me more unconvinced of it.

Tomorrow, I’m not having that Cum Laude average anymore

I’ve been much generalized on my perceptions on grades. Laziness is an independent factor while my attitude of negative humility is the dependent one. I don’t want many compliments as I don’t want people to see me in such image. All I want now is to pass and have an AVERAGE life.

Tomorrow, I’ll live without Jake

Well, technically, now, I do. But sooner, we’re breaking up. He’ll get tired of me soon, admitting to himself that he doesn’t really like me. He’ll see someone else who can satisfy his emotional and intensive relational needs.

Tomorrow, I’ll never stop crying till I finally get it right

As for now, I’m still living on my perception of getting over Jake. Of course I’d always believe that I’ll never get over him when I lose him. For months, I will cry like I can never stop. He’ll be out there, searching for other girls and expose how in love he is. We can never be friends, I am sure of this. But then, after a few months of tired eyes, excessive use of tissue, failing grades, stupid love songs, heart break blog posts, friends’ cliché advices and bitterness on couples, my eyes will then be open for the many fishes in the sea. Those fishes that I once let go and might come back, even those fishes that kept on coming and insisting their ways to me. I’ll get over soon, just not sure how long the “soon” will be.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna be so different

When all these things happen, I’m gonna change and that’s for sure. I’ll be a stereotype. Weak with faith, without Jake but with some other guy whom I have to adjust with (except of course if I’ll still be with Ralph), no art, no music, same friends, probably with the license though and my new view of happiness found somewhere I don’t know.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna die

I’m guessing because of my Type 1 Diabetes or a car accident or in water, or suicide. I’m gonna have a family either with Benj, and we’ll live same here in Baguio, or with Ralph and I’ll be really rich in US, or any accountant/engineer/lawyer/doctor (since I see studious guy really Hawt LOL). We’ll have children, I’m not gonna be the best wife but I’ll be faithful. At an old age, I’ll quit practice and return to church. Then sometime later, I’m gonna die…

Well, if it does happen. I’m sure my life’s gonna be really miserable. Especially the part when I lose my faith. I still don’t believe in profession and I highly believe in salvation. Added to that, I still want to marry a pastor or a pastor’s son, just to be sure that I’m on track with God even when the worldly things keep on pulling me out. But things are gonna happen and most of them I can never control. I can’t control Jake’s feelings as I can’t control fate. God’s Will should always prevail. But I believe that success has always been a part of His plans for me. I just pray that even when I change perceptions, I’d never lose my grip on life as it should be. FAITH.

Inspire for self-inspiration

Last Sunday, 21^st of August 2011, the graduation for the latest Post Encounter students happen as well as our recognition as SOL 1 and 2 students. It’s a tradition that after the Word and before the presentation of the certificates and special awards of the delegates, a few from us are chosen to stand in front and give off our own testimonies.

I wasn’t chosen but not much of an issue to me. I’m not used to speaking in front of my leaders. In our batch (SOL 2), Tita Lourdes was the one chosen by our SOL Director/teacher.

It amazes me actually that I found myself close to my SOL classmates although they’re not even close half my age.

So she gave her testimony about her inspiration, first was one of Pastor Gaddy’s preaching, and the second, me.

These past few days I’ve been struggling with my faith about the structure and formal processes of the church. I’m quite ashamed of this actually to think that I am now one of the 144 leaders of the church and I still doubt in the formality of the G12 vision. Asking myself often, why do we have to account for every cell member, why do we always have to be in the church even when there’s no scheduled activity, why is it that my leader requires a lot from me when I don’t see them much of the effort they want us to perform. In short, I see the technical flaws of the vision.

I wanted to talk this over with some leaders but I suppose I’d know what they’d say. Jake told me I should pray harder, I do, I always did. But I still doubt about things.

Then came the waterfall vision. Once I get myself in, there’s no turning back. Just like taking up a course and you’re in the middle of the curriculum already.

It’s all about mindsets and passion, which I think I lack now because I’m starting to feel tired with my ministry. I’m having that perspective of an independent Christian who thinks only of “Loving God” and forgetting “Loving people”.

Back to Tita Lourdes’ testimony, she shared about that point of her life when she felt so weak and doubtful herself and that I was the one who gave her the word that inspired her to continue on with her ministry.

Her words were like the wind. I shiver as she speaks of my name attached to phrases of blessings. At that point in time, I knew the Lord was using her to talk to me. I knew the Lord wanted me to know that even in my own way, disregarding the formalities, the requirements and all, I can inspire people. I can win souls to God even when I don’t have my One Verse Evangelism with me. I can inspire people to love the Lord even when a conquest is not scheduled.

The Lord just talked to me that all I have to do is to be a true servant who walks in His ways and He shall make all things come along. I just have to know and live my purpose so that in times where it seem to be so tiring serving the Lord at the same time dwelling with the world, I shall know my stand and I will stay strong with my faith and in love with my ministry.

Inspiring people, especially when unintentional has always been self-inspiring. : )

Shop and Pose with Leane

I seriously can't believe what just happened today.

But I'm posting it anyway.

I love Candies by the way : D

FACES

I remember that odd thought I had when we had our classes merged on Ecol. Fin sat beside me. I can’t help but stare, I was thinking, I wish he was Jake, that right now I’m with him, that I’m so in love with.

See what this means.

I seemed to have acquired that habit of seeing Jake in every man I meet.

Considerations, considerations

He looked me in the eyes. He said I was lonely. I felt it was awkward to laugh. I begun to have that kind of rush. This is so not happening. Then, “What if kaya kong baguhin emotions ng mata mo? What if I can do better pala? I-coconsider mo ba ako para palitan siya?”

I am so over boys. I know I am. I am sure when Jake and I won’t work, I’d never let anyone work on me with a relationship till I reach what I want. I am very certain of that. So what made me think too much on this for days? I’m not even sure myself.

I never thought I’d be friends with Fin. Melanie knew I have this highschool crush on him but it’s far from the boarding line. I am very serious about my relationship with Jake. I was never pretty enough to be someone’s girl friend, someone like him at least. He’s that perfect guy type (except when he won his title, guys joining pageants always turn me off), but why me?

That I presumed myself, that guys like girls who are very fragile. They want girls when they know they can take care of her. Guys like girls when they’re naturally funny and quite smart enough to joke with. They like girls who are unusual in a way that they’re pretty, simple and unique. So maybe that can be me. Such characteristics Jake never really noticed, or if he did, never really liked about me. Sometimes I feel like he’s in love with me only for the sake of compliance, but whatever, he’s mine.

In summary, Fin likes me. What makes this an issue? I wouldn’t really consider taking a chance on him. He’s too much for me and I don’t deserve someone like him knowing my deepest darkest secret with Jake.

Well…

It’s not Fin, maybe it’s not Jake either. It’s all on me.

I’m unreasonably wary about Jake, that sooner or later, maybe after a few months after our 2^nd anniversary, he’ll find someone in the internet, or elsewhere, and cheat on me again. I can’t let go of the past knowing how much it hurts. These past few days he’s been trying to convince me that he loves me so much and that he’ll never leave me blah blah. On my part, I believe he loves me now, I just can’t be so convinced if how long that’ll last, I mean, those were the same things he told me before he cheated on me. We even had our best days together (as I think we did) during his pre-cheating acts (when I discovered he made a video for the Korean girl, I knew he was pursuing her already and those times, we were enjoying Panagbenga together, I even slept in his house). So my point is, that time I thought we had the perfect relationship, still he had his other plans on other girls, what difference would it make now?

Right that was really long, well, bottom line; I really can’t trust him that much.

Fin on the other hand gives me reasons to consider breaking up with Jake, well not because I want Fin, because I can’t be hurt again. Those nights were the worst nights of my life and I can’t let that happen again. But I still can’t let go of Jake.

Before the August 10, I’m really fighting with myself about that. Fin contributed a lot with these ideas.

If I were to focus on my studies, I know I should break up with him if I am certain that he’ll hurt me again and eventually its gonna be hard for to move on which takes me to bad grades.

And if I were to let my heart rule, of course I’d stay with Jake.

For days, I tried weighing these options until august 10…

Jake made a video for me. I have to be honest I was really on a cloud nine watching it. I thought, was it obvious that I’m considering ending the relationship? Because he’s seriously trying to make me feel loved, which I am.

So I decided, I’m cutting my connections with Fin. I’m staying with Jake and when that time comes, when he’ll be his self again, I’d kill my self

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Of course I was kidding. Things will happen as they come by. Just now I realized I am a Christian. Whatever happens, God’s plan is good for me. If he cheats on me again, or hurts me on any kind of his Jake-ish actions, God knows who’s fault it will be, and that great things are waiting for me as a single person : D

Besides, being a single CPA would make me really rich, and guys are not that hard to find.

But if that happens… Jake wouldn’t be a part of my life.

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I still hope that doesn’t happen because as for now, Jake is my future. I want him to be.

Forced Insomnia

One Night Up, One Day Sobber, Next thing- Got the Feeling