Lord,

Rough day today. I mean, it was just soo heavy that the enemy threw it all at my back. I admit Lord that my little Faiths really a problem. Actually, that's the thing i worry about the most. I dont understand myself. Why am I so reckless? Why am I so unfaithful? Why am I like this Lord? I feel like I'm such a disgrace in Your presence  Lord, I am really trying hard here. I really wanna be radical with my faith, but why am I like this?

Truly Lord I would never EVER doubt You. But I do for myself. You kept on hanging there, but me, I feel like I'm such a criminal doing the wrong thing all the time knowing that You're just there sad watching me do it. I've been asking You for many many chances already and You just kept on giving it to me. But now Lord, I've grown tired of it, I just wanna cry for my imperfection...

I was keeping myself from thinking it's impossible to earn that much, I mean, I'm really trying Lord. Also, I'm fighting my heart and really trying to move on from my ex boyfriend, but I always feel like I really can't cut the string off with him and see myself teary as I pass by things that remind me of us before. It's just really sad Lord. Even school's been bugging me Lord for my irresponsibility and slapping it right on my face through my grades. Plus my family, of course, would always be part of the dilemma. I go home and hear curses.  And right when I thought I'm really doing a good job in starting again with my ministry, hearing one of my past daughters abandoning me indirectly and seeing my supposed cell members, whom I really fought for before just to really work, working with another leader in the church without me knowing is just really painful Lord..

So Lord, its cliche already and as a Christian, I know exactly what to do. Thing is, as Your daughter, I really dont know how to start....

Lord, wisdom. Please. I know You got my back. You always do... Just please remind me of that all the time. cause right now, I'm really lost....

Amen.

Lord, lahat ng problema ko.... nahihirapan po ako, di ko alam gagawin ko
Pero Lord, Kayo alam nyo di ba po?
Kayo na po bahala ha

또봐요

It’s all done I guess. This time it actually happens. This is not the worst case we ever had as a couple. It’s pretty shallow actually and we both know it’s something we can easily forget and go on with our love story. But it’s been way different already.

He could have regretted coming up with the idea. The fact that he thinks we’re not fit together brought me to thinking that maybe he’s right though he knows he didn’t mean it. 

Truth is, Jake, must be, the only person on earth that I loved this way. Maybe, the only person there is, ever. I love him too much that I myself can’t contain it anymore. I’ve given him too much of me. And honestly I don’t regret it at all, because I do love him.

But its time I move on. 

Many people might think I’m crazy for this. Giving up the Aquinos, Benj, all of my shadow friends along with the band and the crew and of course my passion for music and dance. But I don’t see it relevant to post my reason here. It’s all done. It happened already.

I did have this vision that we’re gonna be together in his ministry. I did see myself as his partner. And I do believe it somehow came from God. I asked for signs. Many times I did, and they were almost all positive. This was one reason why I never gave up on Jake. I believe he was really the one.

But regardless of how sudden this all happen, it just ended that easy. I’m not sure how strong I am to handle the coming days knowing that I’m no longer a part of his life. Can I bear imagining him loving someone else the way he loved me? Can I keep myself focused on things with the doubt in my mind that God might have changed His plans and keep us strangers forever?

Answer: I don’t know, but I have to.

I’m still hoping. 

I am quite optimistic about this actually.

Many may not understand what has actually happen, or why this is happening. One thing’s for sure, the Lord won’t put us on a situation without a purpose.

I’m all on His plan now.

……….

And maybe, if ever the guy I love the most in my entire life come to read this post (I’m sure that won’t be so soon)

I want him to know that I love him beyond words. Every memory we had those I will always treasure. I want him to know that if I was to compare him to any other guys; I kept my self in love with him because he was the best I ever met.  I will always believe in him because he’s got full potentials. One day we’ll meet, hopefully I’m the successful CPA I dream of, but no doubt he’ll be a great pastor, a very talented one actually hehe. So if there comes a time when he feels like the whole worlds against him, he must know that there’s me who has always believed in him.

I love him so much and counting the times I mentioned that four-letter word in this post will never be enough for me to express how unconditional my feelings are for him. I want him to know that I’ll still be waiting. I may be moving on not apart from him or from my love for him. I will be moving on to be ready that if that day comes that the Lord sees that we’re both ready for this, then I will be. 

I know I can’t assure myself that he, too, will wait. Perhaps next month or next sem, or after he graduates, he finds someone else. That would really hurt me of course, but that’s part of the risk I’m taking. I’m letting God decide on everything now so if that happens, thats when I know that I’m not supposed to be in this direction. So, I want him to know that I wish him the best whoever there is who is planned for him. I hope she would love him the way I did or better.

So this is it…

I love the state of falling in love. But now, I understand clearly where I was falling really. I hope this will be the last time my heart will ever be hurt this bad.

I surrender it all to God.

P.S.

I removed some of my friends in facebook. I hope they understand that I’m really trying to heal. It may look unreasonable but I hope they bear with me. They are really good people I met, and I will always keep their goodness in my heart.

Esp:  ate adri for being that friend I needed. I love her so much despite the awkward situation we had in the past.

        shadows for always having the right understanding. i love you guys so much.

Chess

The moment you start a move, the one who is wiser gets the vision of what’s gonna happen next. In the game, only one loses and the other wins. Very rarely that it would end up a draw, especially when the other one plays stupid.

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I didn’t see it coming myself. He was with me for a long time and just when he left I realized I didn’t use the time we were together efficiently, instead, I indirectly ignored them and got used to his presence. And now that he’s gone, guess the proverbs hit me the worst. “You only get to appreciate something when you lost it”.

________________________________

Despite me ignoring the thoughts of Ralph, I still get to see him in my dreams. In my dreams, only Ralph and Jake get to be so real. Only by dream I get to see my bestfriend like we were before we had that awkward intimacy. I always loved RJ as my brother; I don’t understand why people don’t get that.

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There has been quite aloofness in Jake the past few days. I always considered he was busy, pressured in school and all. But me missing him too much brought me stress. I felt like I needed more from him, but he’s more often unavailable.

________________________________

I know I wasn’t supposed to entertain Ralph’s messages, till I got hit by the news of his engagement. I know I decided to cut of myself from him since they left the country, but I knew this was coming. Everything else about us has to end because he’ll be taken away by fate through his forced marriage. I needed company in my down times in my family, school and church. Ralph was there, I took the chance.

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I was upset about not seeing Jake this Christmas, but Ralph’s gonna be here… right when plans were set, Jake knew I was communicating with him again. That’s when he intensified his detachment over me. And in some point, I knew he wanted to quit on me already.

On the other hand, Ralph’s family had their eyes on me again. I had exams the next morning when they started hitting me by their calls blaming me for Ralph’s efforts of going back to the Philippines by his own expense. Moreover, Jake couldn’t resist his self but to burst out of anger.

________________________________

I didn’t know what to do…

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I quit the Aquino family. I’m cutting off all my connections with them. I blocked them in all my accounts and even deleted my skype account.

And since I was told by my leader about submission, I’m also running away from Jake by communication.

I am bound to lose them both. Good news is, there will be a greater chance that Jake would stay with me if I let go of the other, but that would still not guarantee me because I know him too much that gives me lesser hope of letting him stay with me.

I just didn’t know what to do so I’m running away from the problem.

________________________________

Jake will reach me soon when I get myself fixed already, but this time, I know Ralph’s not gonna be there anymore.

________________________________

So, to sum things up. In the end, either I lose my bestfriend and still have my boyfriend or I lose them both…

In the game, when the one who plays stupid loses, there’s still another chance of winning by trying it again and again.

________________________________

I may not do things right, I know I’m trying.

A Test of a Cell Group Leader

For two years of leading cell groups now, I still haven’t chosen my disciples. Reason for this is because; I’m usually the weather type of a leader. I get myself back in and in sometime I still manage to pull myself out of the fire.

A few months before, as I blogged about this, I seem to have a lot of questions that turned into doubts about the vision and the church. I’ve been stumbled down because of the human flaws I can see around me but all my questions were then answered by God Himself.

So I went back in, this time having a stronger grip on the Vision. I now see the worth of having to complete my 12 disciples which many may not understand yet. I now desire in my heart forming my own close cell group but my problem was my old members. As I left the Vision, I seem to have left them behind as well. I needed to start new cells to meet my goal.

I started winning high school students, by myself as a challenge, entering classrooms and sharing the gospel. I now have two open cells in BCNHS, one open cell in PSHS (my old cell group) and one mixed open cell as well. Because I knew I had that desire, in a month I already have 26 members all in all.

So I’m very happy that the Lord is really helping me with my goal

But today, I’ve been tested, big time!

We had our One-Day Ignite Retreat today in the center. Out of those 26 members, I expected 8 of them to attend. I prayed a lot for them. I even asked my Christian friends to pray for them as well. I woke up with the strong wind. When I arrived in the center, I’ve been told that we don’t have classes because our city’s signal leveled up to #3 so I thought that was a good sign. But no one came, not one in those 26 youths….

I decided to just attend the ignite myself but I’ve been very depressed. Constantly asking the Lord why? How can they have such little faith because of the typhoon?

A few times I considered quitting that I really can’t do this, that I’m a failure and all. But of course, the Holy Spirit would always help me on times like this. My friends helped a lot too.

I completely understood that the Lord is testing my patience and faith. I don’t have to expect my members to have established within themselves the loyalty they must have for me as their leader considering the fact that we only started our relationship last month. Then I truly discerned on God’s time and trusted on Him.

And in that point in time, I knew my biggest reason of depression is because of compromise. It is true that we have to obey our leaders but God knows I did my best on my cell members. I put a lot of prayer and sacrifice for them to know the Word but having not to convince them to attend either the Ignite Retreat or the Encounter God Retreat wouldn’t mean I failed in meeting God’s expectations. I know in my heart that I’m doing my best to please Him. People’s way of looking at things that I have not done must not turn me down. I just have to pray, pray and pray and stay faithful and fruitful and God will soon reward me of my efforts.

This vision, as the Lord has revealed is not for the church or for anyone but for Him alone, thus I must only consider whether I pleased Him or not.

God’s time is perfect, thus, I will depend on Him alone.

Tomorrow, the Pessimist me

Tomorrow, I’m gonna see the results of my hardships on my studies

I’ve been letting others see how stressed I am in school well in fact, it is only partly true. I’m having a hard time on time management and focus. If only I knew how to keep myself on the book, I would have finished reviewing only in a few hours. Things, I mean, a lot of things have been bugging me.

Tomorrow, I might quit on what I think is my ministry in church

My doubts have been a meter which is going up each day. I truly believe that I need God and of course my heart will never deny that I love Him, but the system of religion has been giving me the question marks which make me more unconvinced of it.

Tomorrow, I’m not having that Cum Laude average anymore

I’ve been much generalized on my perceptions on grades. Laziness is an independent factor while my attitude of negative humility is the dependent one. I don’t want many compliments as I don’t want people to see me in such image. All I want now is to pass and have an AVERAGE life.

Tomorrow, I’ll live without Jake

Well, technically, now, I do. But sooner, we’re breaking up. He’ll get tired of me soon, admitting to himself that he doesn’t really like me. He’ll see someone else who can satisfy his emotional and intensive relational needs.

Tomorrow, I’ll never stop crying till I finally get it right

As for now, I’m still living on my perception of getting over Jake. Of course I’d always believe that I’ll never get over him when I lose him. For months, I will cry like I can never stop. He’ll be out there, searching for other girls and expose how in love he is. We can never be friends, I am sure of this. But then, after a few months of tired eyes, excessive use of tissue, failing grades, stupid love songs, heart break blog posts, friends’ cliché advices and bitterness on couples, my eyes will then be open for the many fishes in the sea. Those fishes that I once let go and might come back, even those fishes that kept on coming and insisting their ways to me. I’ll get over soon, just not sure how long the “soon” will be.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna be so different

When all these things happen, I’m gonna change and that’s for sure. I’ll be a stereotype. Weak with faith, without Jake but with some other guy whom I have to adjust with (except of course if I’ll still be with Ralph), no art, no music, same friends, probably with the license though and my new view of happiness found somewhere I don’t know.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna die

I’m guessing because of my Type 1 Diabetes or a car accident or in water, or suicide. I’m gonna have a family either with Benj, and we’ll live same here in Baguio, or with Ralph and I’ll be really rich in US, or any accountant/engineer/lawyer/doctor (since I see studious guy really Hawt LOL). We’ll have children, I’m not gonna be the best wife but I’ll be faithful. At an old age, I’ll quit practice and return to church. Then sometime later, I’m gonna die…

Well, if it does happen. I’m sure my life’s gonna be really miserable. Especially the part when I lose my faith. I still don’t believe in profession and I highly believe in salvation. Added to that, I still want to marry a pastor or a pastor’s son, just to be sure that I’m on track with God even when the worldly things keep on pulling me out. But things are gonna happen and most of them I can never control. I can’t control Jake’s feelings as I can’t control fate. God’s Will should always prevail. But I believe that success has always been a part of His plans for me. I just pray that even when I change perceptions, I’d never lose my grip on life as it should be. FAITH.