Saturday, June 18, 2011


I was very excited to go to Manila this weekend when Jake just told me Melanie lied to me about ADMU and flew back to San Diego. Of course I didn’t want to believe that even when he’s actually my boyfriend. I gave her messages on her blog, pretend facebook, YM and skype that I’m gonna be waiting for her.

But on my way, I realized, Jacob was right. I tried connecting things. And yes, maybe she was gone.

I lost hope and focused on the Conference instead. But when it was all over, my church mates wanted to stroll around MOA so I have no choice but to join shopping.

When I saw Ice Skating Rink, I felt the sudden rush and hope of seeing them. Maybe, just maybe she read my messages and did come back for me, like what she always does. Surprise me.

I wasn’t allowed to stay but I did anyway so I was seriously out of my mind having them leave me when I know I don’t know how to get away from manila by myself. Whatever.

So I stayed in Tokyo Café where I always meet them when I’m with Melanie.I said I’ll meet her 5:30 in my messages, and she was never late. I waited for 2 hours, and that moment I always wanted to cry. I never felt so alone. Not even Jake knew that for he’s having some stomach ache or something. Could have been easier if he actually cared but he didn’t so whatever, not gonna be an issue anyway, as always.

I have no choice but to wait, I don’t know Manila and how can I ever get home.

After those 2 hours…

Surprisingly, Ryan came.


I assumed Melanie was waiting for me at Starbucks. I blamed myself for choosing Tokyo Café. Not until he started on with his words. He first asked to eat at another place. We went to Tanabe. Too much Japanese for a day I thought and ate. I didn’t want to ask Mel yet. We talked about why he was late, how’s film school, how I’m handling my sem, things like that.

After eating, I knew this time we have to break the awkward moment.

I knew something was wrong.

Ryan never looked haggard as he was today. He looked like he broke up with Mel.

Ryan gave me two letters - one from Ralph and another from Melanie.

(I’m gonna keep both letters for myself instead of blogging it)

Ryan was almost crying as I was while reading both letters.

I first read RJ’s, I thought it was hilarious and stupid and actually it made sense after him joking around the letter. I felt even more comfortable with him, to think he’s gone. I enjoyed reading it more than his first letter last last year though.

I was quite terrified to Melanie’s letter.

Before opening it, Ryan told me everything about ADMU, Melanie’s papers being processed and them migrating to CA. they planned this, they just didn’t want me to know yet because they all can’t tell me. Melanie can’t.

Ryan said they all know the plan except for me. I didn’t feel stupid though. I was even grateful because they all did things for me.

Words can’t reflect what I feel right now.

I just lost them.

I know they’re never coming back. Ryan may follow Melanie there but as for me, I’m gonna be alone. I just lost her. I lost Nikki. I lost Lots. I can’t believe I’m even sad for losing Ralph.

No, I really can’t express it in words.

Now I’m alone like I’ve never been in years.

It’s 4:21 AM. I’m in Ryan’s apartment with Ate Che and Soo-jun. in 30mins, Ryan’s driving me back to Baguio.

I don’t even know how to face Baguio knowing they really are gone.

I have Jake, I thought. That should be enough but…

I have this feeling he’s almost he getting tired of me. And I don’t know why. I can’t lose him though. Pessimistic much…

I can’t hate them now, especially Melanie.

They earned many memories with me. They kept all the pictures from me. They’d still do things for my sake. But as for now, they have to step out and face their world without the fantasy of me.

On the other hand, I have to face the world as only Jully, without them, everything normal, but still without them.

Now I pity myself even more.

I’m with my faith. But I still feel incomplete.

Soon to overcome.

But never to forget…

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