It’s been two weeks since I last talked to you, if you even consider that a conversation. Obviously, you deactivated all your personal accounts aside from your blog. But since you don’t seem to update it since last month, I really don’t know what’s going on anymore. I don’t also see anyone from shadows. No one seemed to stay here in Baguio or in the church. Since I deleted their numbers before and they’re not texting me anymore, I am totally unaware of their whereabouts now. I guess it happened, huh?
I heard RJ’s getting married on my birthday. More reason to forget about February 10. Surprisingly, this was the first Holiday he didn’t seem to greet me. Actually, as hard it is to admit, this has been a very lonely Christmas.
I’m hoping I hear your annoying “I told you so”. You were right. Actually you’ve always been right. Yes. He did it again.
I wonder Melanie why Jake’s like that. Yes, I know. I know exactly the answer. Logically I know everything, but I feel so stupid. We’ve gone through this for almost 7 months and I still play stupid. I’m tired of it really, I’m seriously tired of it but no matter what I do, I still turn around for him. If I were in his shoes, I’d never do that to Jully. I’d recognize everything she’s sacrificed, everything she’s done, everything we’ve been through and treat her better. But it’ll never be enough, because he’s a jerk.
And as far as I know, being a jerk is something that can be avoided when you want to change, especially when you’re called to be a pastor. Seriously Melanie, what is with him?
Moreover, what’s with me? I’m sure for a fact that I don’t like him the way I did before. I am sure that I don’t see a need for him as well. Actually, I know the answer to that too.
I can’t lose something that I fought for and sacrificed my closest friends for, even the biggest job opportunity that must have had in my life. Naghihinayang ako? And perhaps after how Benj dumped me when he knew about me and Jake gave me the fear that every guy would react the same if they knew. I also made him a huge part of my life I don’t really imagine myself apart from him.
Melanie, will I ever get over it? I wish it was just puppy love. I wish it was just something I can forget, but Mel. It’s been 7 months already.
I know also the answer.
It’s called HOPE.
I wish it was something that I can just erase easily. But I guess it’s gonna be easier this time. He’s already decided. That should mean, I must go on with it as well.
I think I can do that, though I can’t determine when, I think God has allowed this to happen so I must believe that there’s something He wants to happen that I will look forward to.
I can’t tolerate the fact that I lost you for him, that I lost RJ, Ms. Nikki, shadows for him. I lost Pfyzer for him. More importantly, I lost myself for him to enjoy when I see it as something we both must hold on to, but he didn’t. Instead he looked for ways to get rid of me and catch someone else’s attention.
I wish I can forgive like Jesus did. I wish I get into accident and forget every moment since I met him. I must be travelling the world with you now…
Melanie, I really want to give up now. And frankly, I know that’s the right thing to do.
I don’t expect you to read my blog. But I guess this is the only way I see myself talking to you. Well, I felt like I did. I miss you.
I know we wont be together anymore, or any of my friends. It was all clearly my fault. Nevertheless, I want you guys to know that I will be fine. I got Jesus.
I hope one day, I’ll see myself not losing everything for one mistake.