Thursday, December 3, 2009

12-03-09 the LAST of 2009 (walk, talk, silence, love)

Awful, worst, what else can you describe my December 3, 2009? But someone made it better, until the last part, I think he really hated that.

Okay, to start with the boring blog post on my not-so-worst December day ever, 10 degrees I think? I had wind burn under my lips! Ugh great thing to start my day.

Accounting 101, the first subject of the day; I really tried to prepare myself with this though I'm still sleepy as usual. And then the instructor came, with the test papers with her. I know I didn’t have the best mood to have a test the day we got it so I’m sure the results would be worth heavy tears for me. I didn’t expect the score I got. It’s worse. It’s really that low, that made me have the frown line the whole day, and everyone noticed that. I don’t know, I'm really having this give up already attitude since this sem came. I started thinking about shifting to another course.

The next major thing that gave me more frown line than expected is Jake. He texted April. I remembered, I was suppose to see him tomorrow, I think that’s the one I’ve been waiting for this week not to be the best opening for my December. I expected more like, April tell Jully I’ll meet her tomorrow. I was still pissed off that time with all that had happen just this morning. And then he said we’ll meet today. I'm totally full loaded today, not with school. I just have to do things today. Fetch those brats, clean people’s rooms, cook for dinner, and go to Melanie’s and get rich (haha kidding). I was really thinking about fixing scheds but I thought he might be captured with one of my powers to influence people to feel the same way I’m feeling. I already said I cant, and then he was all, ”after new year na kami na lang ulit magkikita”. I mean really, its not like it’s the longest time we haven’t seen each other if ever, I’m guessing in the future, we might even break the record to three months (no, I wish not!). But the thing is its Christmas and New Year. Having these events, it would feel like I won’t see him in a year. What? These events are supposed to be celebrated with your love ones. And I SOO consider Jake as a major “love one”. But reality check, we’re technically, kids. Back to his words, it turned more like a warning to me, or whatever. I hated that. That made me so irritated that I didn’t pay any attention to my next subjects. But I want to see him really, and I was planning to do something with the sched until his text. Uh!

So whatever, I did what I have to do. I went out of the school 2 and went to Abanao to meet kuya Mj for the laptop. I think I was too early, so I tried abanao’s wifi, I hesitated actually. I think that would be a best time for Jake to go OL since we’ll not meet unless he has class. But then again, I wanted to greet Karl for his birthday, and I kinda wanted to talk to Ralph. I also opened my accounting book while waiting for it to load and then I focused more on the assignment. I forgot one thing, YM in my lp signs in automatically. I was really planning on hiding myself to everyone in my ym list, especially Jake. I was really pissed off with him that time though I really want to see him. He caught me fine. And the whole conversation turned out to be fine, I’ll be seeing him. Kuya MJ’s there and then Ralph turned OL, just for a while I guess, he was checking if I was okay. I guess he was irritated when he saw Jake OL so he signed out. I know he noticed I wasn’t paying much attention on his undefined words coz Jake’s there and I’d always prefer to talk to the boyfriend rather than the best friend. Its fine, I might not talk to my best friend today, at least I’ll get to see the “love one” which is so much better, but I was still thinking about the sched and then he mentioned “basta kasama ka”. Fine, that made his early annoying statements better, which made me better. Its really easy for him to make me ease such irritation on him even when he doesn’t know.

Kuya mj left with the lp, I waited. With more anticipation this time, not to see my bed at home but to see him. I'm not a very patient person; I was bored so I focused on my accounting. I was almost getting the answer, and then he was there. I still paid more attention on the assignment; I just have to get that before the idea slips away. And really, I'm not in the mood to be sweet and all, I'm still not okay plus the focus turned to the assignment. But he was too sweet for me to just ignore him. That would make him feel bad. Well, I warned him! I'm not in the mood to anything. Fo some point, I don’t even want to see him. I don’t want I'm to see me like this.

I ate skyfakes with chuckie for lunch, like I said; I'm not in the mood to anything, even eating. He was all, what do you want to eat. I rejected everything he offered, that made me guilty for a while. We waited for the time for dismissal. I always hated going to their school, I hate their school. He was getting sweeter but I still ignored him, more guilt.

We went to their school together, this will be the first time those brats to see him with me, in their school. They know Jake as the name they always see in my notebooks, the one I always talk to in the net and the name I was mentioning while sleep talking. Yah, they know him. I don’t know, I still hated the aura of their school, but there was this scene. My sister, who’s wearing her birthday pajamas in school (hahaha!) can’t carry her bag (brat, maybe like me) so I gave it to Jake. And we were all like, father, mother picking up their kids from school. Hahahah! I liked that actually haha!

We went home, he’s still with us. The plans were: we’ll be going home and leave the brats go to Mel’s and that’s it. Well in the end, we didn’t really follow that.

And on with the walking, he always tease me with “gustong gustong maglakad” thing, well, it varies in circumstances really. I hate to walk when I'm alone and in a hurry. I want to walk when I'm with some one. And I LOVE to walk when I'm with him.

I was starting to enjoy the moment, though I have to admit, I still have fake smiles on him, just to maintain his mood. Really enjoyed the moment until he started with the problem thing. Seriously, long posts would be very impossible for Jacob Duque to read, as the laziest person I’ve ever known. I didn’t know he would even read any of my posts. Anyway, my smiles were really reaching my eyes until he started with that. And came in the worst kind of guilt. I felt sad again for a moment. But there was a line, not exact words but he was like “sana sakin na lang mapunta ang mga accusations sa kanya”. I know it was just a part of his art, but I believe that. But it somehow made me feel more cheerless. It was like, pity on me.esh!

We were waiting for the sun to set, that would be a dramatic sign for me to leave already. He knows I can’t stay longer as much as I wanted to. But as usual, our plans of leaving weren’t always followed.

Talk, walk, laugh, eat, more talk, more walk. This would have been soo perfect despite everything that’s been bothering me. Just to be with him, with out consciousness of the time. It was so fascinating to see myself happy in another way. It felt fascinating. Talk, walk, laugh, kiss, hug, Jake’s with me, so perfect.

We were about to go Mel’s house until I suddenly changed my mind. I’ll be cooking what’s in the ref, not to waste money. And I’ll be using the P200 left in my wallet for tomorrow’s expenses, I'm not eating much so guess I won’t spend too much on anything. Besides, she’s still not home, plus the fact that she’s not really voted for the JAkob tandem; of course she would always want her cousin for me.

It felt so perfect until I have to leave. This time, I was more conscious of the time. I was thinking about those people left at home rather than enjoying myself for once this month. But his blank face attracted me in another way. I was poignant about leaving him. Again with this annoying feeling, too many things are going inside again. I just stayed quiet. We both stayed quiet for a long time. And then he started with letting me go. I haven’t fixed my mind yet but his face made me worst.

I hate goodbyes. Cant I just leave him there not saying anything? That would be easier. Of course that’s not fair. I just cant leave him there. I walked and then came with the plan of letting him come with me. I like the plan. He’ll go home to my house, cook dinner for everyone including him, by that, he’ll be meeting Kuya, my mother. I want that plan. At first I was confident about it, but fear stroked in. there are some possibilities that I wont like, I didn’t take the risk.

He walked me home. I was still silent. I'm not sure what I was thinking but I know I'm really sad, with goodbyes, with leaving, with Christmas without him, with home, with family, with everything. He was really trying hard to hold my hand. I know I should hold his hand, its really cold and he’s just on with his shirt. I felt so guilty but depression overpowered me. I was cold and selfish to not share the warmth I had to him. I was still thinking. We were silent; he makes some sounds to have my attention. He would try and try to reach for my and, I would hold his and the let go again. I don’t know what was with me. I'm just sad. And it was so obvious, what was I thinking?

And then he started with another topic, something that had bothered me more. He was right, but I won’t consider that as a disadvantage. Not seeing him may result to the difficulty of leaving him. and then with the very annoying blog statement “kaya lang kayo nagtatagal kasi hindi kayo nagkikta”. By that, I really ignored everything he said, though I was listening. He was asking questions, I wouldn’t answer. It was like I was affected or something. My face was blank, almost frowning this time.

The blades street, as I call it; I remember the last time I walked this street with someone with similar affection, and similar feeling, misery. It always had to be a cold dark street. This is the first time I would have this walk with him in my favorite street. I always dreamed for this scene with him, but it’s the other way around, we’re silent, no talking, no hands even touching, no blades. Walking…, I just stared on our shadows. It was almost perfect except for the gap between us. It was like were having fight or something. I want to stare at him, but we’re walking and I didn’t have the courage to even look at him. It felt like I was going to cry.

The most humiliating TV scene. We reached the “hill”. I suppose to leave him there for his ride. I was rude, I didn’t even wait for his ride to come before I left him. I was going up walking backwards to see him, I ordered him to stay. He did. He just stared at me. I shouted “Bye Jake!”, tried to put some enthusiasm, thou it was obvious, I know what happened tonight won’t be a good memory for us both to have in Christmas. I was still walking and he was still staring. His eyes were begging for me not to go yet but it seemed like he can’t do anything with it. Faster now, I still walked backwards to see him and I was getting further away from him as he stares. I planned for that, I don’t want him to see my face that’s about to cry, my body didn’t even warn me about that, I was almost turning red if not just because of the coldness of the wind. I tried my best to smile but he’s not, still with the begging face and then he started speaking, finally. He was all “no, no, no”. I can hear him, he was about to shout it while he was hurrying towards me. I didn’t stop walking. I even almost tried to run away but he got me. “It’s cold, I’m not leaving until I get my hoodie back”, he said. He’s really making it happen. And it’s a very stupid thing for me not to think about that, its really cold, I'm leaving him cold. But I was still not taking the risk. Instead of saying no, I gave him my jacket. He tried to refuse but I insisted, then he knew I'm not letting him. We were almost in the middle of the hill. i can still see his face, I cant help it, I can feel my eyes watery but I bet he did not notice that. I can still handle it, I guess. I continued walking backwards. I’m really exerting so much effort on smiling at him, just to hide it. He’s very still. I heard him say “so that’s it?”. I ignored that, I just continued walking. He’s still not moving as he stares at me. I would turn around to walk all the way but I would then turn back on walking backwards to see him, he’s still staring at me. and then something hit my head, the whole time I was with him, I never told him “I love you”. It was very simple but turned all those guilt to action. I ran down to him and kissed him. i can really imagine how I looked so stupid that time. I didn’t even think of the fact that my force plus the direction of my velocity with the hill downwards would have make us fall. I really think I look so stupid! It was so thwarting. But I didn’t think about that, that time. I know I made his night dreadful. I am responsible for his “frown line” tonight. I am really guilty about that. I just have to do that, that’s what at least I thought. And then I let go and said “Bye Jake” in a hurry. I heard him say “I love you”. I ran away from him as fast as I can, I knew what I did was really stupid, he might have laughed inside, but I don’t care, I can feel tears, that was the last kiss for this year.

I did not look back until I reached the top and then I looked back. He was already walking away. He was already wearing my jacket. I want to cry. Just to let it out, and I did.

I went home, tried to hurry or something. I did what I had to until its all finished. Time now is 11: 43. Its really cold, I was trying to imagine him walking away. I am exactly where I was earlier.

Technically, that will be the last time I’ll be seeing Jacob Ruven Duque this year. I would shiver when I mention “the last time”. sad as it seems, but i was happy I saw him today. It didn’t ended with a happy ending, but at least I saw him.

(he might as well read only the emphasized ones)

I forgot to tell you… I love you..

Kung totoo man na ang hindi natin pagkikita lang ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nagtatagal, okay lang sakin, kahit habang buhay tayong hindi lagi nagkikita…

(this is really long, I bet no one, not even him would read heheh)

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