12-01-09

Loneliness is being unaware of the One who is with us everywhere.

I am aware about this I guess. I know, I have nothing to worry, but why can’t I refuse myself to think on these things. It makes me involuntarily blank. I tried to be blissful, but I know I'm not, I'm still pretending. But this time, I failed some people with my “act as if”. Some people knew something’s wrong. I didn’t notice at first, my loud, happy and somehow irritating voice came to a very calm one.

I knew my eyes will show what I feel, what I can’t help to feel. I tried to hide it with my correctional. I don’t know if it worked but I’ll be using this until I get this all fixed.

Before, it was so awkward to be with people when we’re all silent, but today, it seemed normal to me. I'm not talking; I would only open my mouth to answer their questions. I also noticed, my smiles didn’t reach my eyes. My laughs didn’t seem to be as happy as before. I know, I'm still not okay.

I was really early this morning; I woke up as early as 4:30 I guess. I planned this. I asked God to wake me up really early; He did answer my petty prayer last night. I was talking to Him all night, it seemed like I didn’t have enough sleep. I can feel the sleepiness all day, but I didn’t care. I was busy thinking and pretending.

As much as how prayer gave me comfort, I still needed someone, just to empathize. First that came into my mind was my real best friend. I wanted to call him, but I thought, he must not know I have this phone, or I didn’t want him to think that he was right about me needing him in times like this. And then Jake, but how? I can’t even tell him what I really feel; it’s kinda awkward when I do all the drama on him. I feel a little conscious with my words, though I know he can help, actually I know what his response would be. And then Ate Dri, she knows me so well when I'm like this and I am free to tell her everything, but I don’t even know her no., plus I know her response, same with Jake’s. They’re both like the spiritual adviser, not considering ate Au, but they’re closer to me. Back with atedri, even though I know her words already, she has this, uhh, power to calm me in some point. I don’t know, she’s really good with that. I miss her.

I still cant find anyone. At school, I was really early; I was one of the first 10 to come in. I was waiting for April, I don’t know; tease with her or something, I can’t really tell her drama, same with Jake. And then she arrived, I was just staring at the door, obviously waiting for her or for Letty or JP. She went directly to her block mates, I don’t know. I wasn’t really shy but it’s gonna be so weird to pull her away from them for my own sake. So I just seated there.

After ditching the mass, I had plans to go home coz my next class is 11:30. On my way, I saw Janelle. She was smiling, and I felt a bit relieved to see her, like I wanted to tell her exactly what I feel. But she was I think in a hurry. But I cant help it, I was happy to see her. I suddenly hugged her, which is not really normal for us so I guess she didn’t hug back. And I whispered, I'm not okay. Seriously, not to be very dramatically mysterious or whatever for her to be bothered, or not, I just can’t help but say it to her. I'm really not okay.

I was home really fast. I can’t eat, I don’t feel like eating. I opened the TV. Myx, MTV, HBO, etc., didn’t see anything interesting. I don’t want to go online, I thought about that encounter with Janelle, it was very humiliating, made me decide to not show up to anyone. But I don’t have anything to do, I texted Melanie. She didn’t reply. So I opened the laptop. I was thinking, if I would open FB, I might not have the mood to reply on anyone’s posts, even with Jake’s posts. I went google, tried to look for some examples for entrep and then on with tweeting. I then opened YM. No one’s OL except for Ralph. I was invincible, I read his offline messages, Melanie was right, he’s coming home. I still didn’t reply. I signed out instead. I went yahoo mail to see any other interesting emails. Shoot! It automatically appeared Available. Ralph caught me. so I went back YM. I just asked him about his trip home. He read me already; he knows I'm not okay. He started asking questions, I didn’t reply. He started mentioning Jake; I said we’re good, best. And he knew it was about the family. I signed out. I just can’t do this with his help again.

Deep breath. I opened facebook. I don’t know why. Then I saw Jake’s post on my wall. He seems very fine. Started to give me more feeling, I really miss him. But I just can’t open up with him. I think he hates it when I tell him my problems. I can’t face him like this. I realized I cant face anyone like this. Its very humiliating in some ways, for them to think I’m too dramatic, or pity me with this, or I don’t know. Fine, I'm being too sensitive. I just can’t help it. By that I decided not to talk to anyone close to me until I get this fixed. This is not me and they cant see me like this.

And the thought came, what if this plan, me being silent and invincible and all would make them hate me? Make him hate me? Make him leave me? uhh! Again with the scared part. I just left him a message, cant help it really. Even with ate dri, really, I miss her.

I signed off. I focused on doing my entrep and then went to school already.

There will be things that I will do. Focus on things that should be done. Pretend I'm okay, but not to talk with the closest one’s coz I cant help but start the drama. And believe this will soon be okay, not now, but to hold on with my prayers.

Too much, really. I cant handle this. Pressure on my house, pressure on responsibilities, Jake’s absence, I miss my friends, ate dri, dana, Melanie, april, Janelle,nandry, bly,

myself…

*wrong. Keri ko toh,

but not now..

Cold dark night, really cold.