Wednesday, December 23, 2009

12-23-09 runaway optimist before CHRISTmas

Four things before the best night of my year completed this odd day.

I miss Jake, I want Jake, I need Jake. I dreamt of him last night as blurred as I can’t remember. I felt so desperate to see or just talk to him. Not considering that I have nothing to do today; I’ve been online the whole day. I even slept in front of my computer and constantly wake up when the sound of an online person in YM pops out. All day, there was a blank presence of Jake. I guess he was busy or going somewhere for tomorrow’s event. And I’m guessing I may not be able to talk to him for a few days. Hmm, I’ll just make myself excited for next year to finally see him again.

Excited about CHRISTmas, but how, where and who will I be with to celebrate it? I never thought we’ll have to leave to manila before sunrise. I woke up looking at myself in the scene of the famous “Home Alone” movie. I called them and they still thought I’ll be going with Tita to Rizal, not just to have Christmas with Ralph (which they don’t know and Jake won’t allow so I decided to forfeit), but to visit some if the relatives there. They said they’ll be back tomorrow but it seemed impossible for us to celebrate it here looking at the refrigerator and the grocery bin empty or CHRISTmas. I was scared I’ll be celebrating this alone. I am and still the most excited person for CHRISTmas. With these things bothering me WON’T stop me from anticipating His Birthday. Besides, we don’t call prayer powerful if its for nothing. Faith!

Best friend no longer applicable since I committed myself. Ralph, I had 17 missed calls when I woke up. I’m sure he was really expecting me to be there before dawn yesterday. I still didn’t switch to globe because of the whole Home Alone thing. I wanted to, just to completely loose connection with him. 5 messages when I opened the phone after I charged it. One was, “what is it again? I’ll be waiting, please pick up”. After 5 mins of reading his messages, he called. I rejected the call. And then he went online. I was talking to Ate Adri that time with serious matters (which will be discussed more). I didn’t focus much on his words but I didn’t ignore him. I confessed I didn’t want to see him; he was in a bit hurry and went off already. After an hour I guess, I called. He didn’t pick up. I guess he was with some of his relatives already or with Mel spilling my nonsense. I was bored and I slept then I heard the phone ring, it was his no. with Mel calling. Melanie, who had been my friend for almost 7 or 8 months already, had to be affected. She’s leaving with Ralph. I didn’t think of any of those when I decided not to show up for Jake. My plans are still set (since they would eventually read this, not much of a surprise already) I’ll try to peak the time they leave. Of course I can’t just let them leave me without seeing them. 5 years is very long. Mel, almost shouting, gave me words that I think would appear how much she hates me for doing that but I didn’t care. I'm still not having second thoughts. And then Ralph got the phone already. That’s when I realized I was so weak to even talk to him with my straightforward words. I still imagined that Edward Cullen I saw in his first night here in Baguio. I didn’t think much of the real deal. I was imagining myself talking to an Asian version of Robert Pattinson. But that was way out of the topic. I felt a bit guilty of what I’m doing but I was looking at the point where I’m doing all of this for my boyfriend. Of course they thought of me so pathetic, I expected that. And I know they know I don’t care. Ate Dri said, Ralph’s wish for CHRISTmas is me, to spend it with me. I could just imagine how happy he was when I told him I’ll be in Rizal not until this decision.

I don’t know, I really don’t know now. The real deal I guess…

She still loves him, fact which she instantly denied after. I didn’t want to hear this but I liked the fact she had been so honest to me. I wanted to be very selfish that time. Thoughts were random.

Jake, loves me. Would he still choose me over her?

I shouldn’t have let myself gone this far for what I feel for him, for that, it’s easier to let go of him for Atedri.

She should’ve told me to not give him the chance before when she still loves him.

What must be Jake’s reaction when she confessed?

I'm here, they’re there. Some things are very possible

Optimism definitely didn’t go around much in my head in these cases; cases where the past is always involved. I know, Jake hates it when I get so affected about it. But I can’t help it. I always make my self consider things where they have started. And ours is something really inconvenient to put into record. Even Ralph would be very disappointed with my optimistic self’s absence.

She mentioned one thing, trust. (which I didn’t really understand how that was connected with our current issue). All the thoughts that came in my mind were against that word and I am very much ashamed about it.

adrienne maldupana (12/23/2009 1:19:28 PM): but not because i'm mad at you

adrienne maldupana (12/23/2009 1:19:37 PM): not because i'm jealous or whatever

adrienne maldupana (12/23/2009 1:19:44 PM): not because i'm insecure

adrienne maldupana (12/23/2009 1:19:49 PM): not because i hate you

jully14_amme (12/23/2009 1:20:05 PM): but because?

adrienne maldupana (12/23/2009 1:20:31 PM): parang kasing kaakibat natin ung 'problema'.

adrienne maldupana (12/23/2009 1:20:48 PM): that was one of the things the enemy is putting on my mind

By this, I still don’t get it why people think we’re not okay. This just clearly states that all the time I have been thinking about everything around us was fine is just so wrong. This is one disadvantage of being so sanguine about things, there are instances that one will be so insensitive, which had always been a part of my character.

I planned for getting myself back to my friends this vacation since I've been very busy these days but I guess I’ll be spending them more on thinking about everything. But there are things I’m sure about, I can’t just let go of anyone, not now, not ever, not Jake, not anyone.

I’m still excited about CHRISTmas even when things won’t go the way I want it to be.

Ralph wants me.

I want my family.

I want to think.

I want Jake.

For once, can we just stop the drama? :|

Let this pass first.

Some might think this blog post would ruin someone’s CHRISTmas. but I know one think, I should never worry about it, especially when I celebrate His day.

For now, everything’s okay.

Stop the drama, He will be very much delighted without this things bothering us. I’m fine.

I love you people.

Happy CHRISTmas :)

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